[gon3withth3wend]

I'm pretty sure I hate therapy. I like my T. She is very nice, but I guess I think of her more as a friend I talk to sometimes than my T. For some reason, I can't seem to talk to her about my real feelings, or anything that matters. I've been struggling with self harm lately, and people on PC tell me I need to tell her, but knowing myself and how I feel about her, there is zero chance I will. I just can't - no way. Every time I leave T, I feel worse. We don't even talk about anything so serious that should make me upset. There are so many things about seeing her that make me want to hurt myself badly. I could not escape extremely violent thoughts of self harm the whole way home, and still now, I'm fighting the urge not to hurt myself because I know I would do something worse than I've done before.

I have been wondering if I should see a different T, and if I should, how I should cut things off with this one. I kind of want to start fresh with a new introduction so I can talk about what matters, but I'm not sure if that's what I should do. I've started and stopped lots of times with therapy - I don't really think it helps me because I struggle with talking directly about things. The best thing one T had me do was write an essay about myself and my problems before starting, but I really disliked that T. I guess I'm also conflicted because going into therapy with this T, I kind of thought that she'd be able to tell that something in me was off, and I'd actually be able to get help with how I was feeling. I don't feel quite the same way I did when I started with her though (very low mood, angry, unmotivated, worthless, thought about suicide almost every waking moment), and she says my feelings are normal and rational. I don't really tell her everything though, and never could. I guess I used to think something was wrong with me, but I have a feeling I'm just a dramatic teenager that really needs to get over myself. Not sure how much therapy helps me. Should I stay with my T? Find a new T? Talk to my pediatrician? Just wait this out some more time and see if I get over everything?

[Sila]

How long have you been seeing this T? It takes a while to be able to even trust, let alone open up and talk about what's really at the core of the problem. But they can't help you if you aren't ready to try and help yourself, and tell them what's wrong. If writing an essay was helpful before, why not try journaling? Or free form writing. Just write whatever thoughts come to mind. You gotta tell 'em what's wrong and what you need.

I adore my therapist, but I hate therapy. Really hate it. Therapy is hard in general, I think. If you really, truly believe that you cannot talk about things that really matter with this therapist, then by all means, CHANGE! You don't have to worry about this therapist's feelings. Just explain, if you want, that it isn't working for you, and change to someone else. I tried quite a few people before I found someone I was able to really talk to.

It's talk therapy, you have to be able to be open and honest and feel non judged to make this work. Not all T's and clients click....maybe try a new one