[WikidPissah]

TRIGGER WARNING – SEXUAL CONTENT

Background/Catch up – I fired my therapist of 2 years back in June, and after a bit of a search ended up with a trauma specialist that I have been seeing since late September. I have a lot going on in my life right now, crazy stressful crap, but I could care less whether I go to see this woman or not. I don’t dislike her much, but I am not terribly fond of her either. So some weeks I trudge in there, some weeks I don’t bother.

We have sold my 84 year old mother’s home, and I have spent the last month cleaning it. She moved in with my younger brother, and the two of them have been hiding out while I have done most of the work myself. Big house, 40 years of crap. Meanwhile battling some icky medical crap and having to put my own home on the market.

Last Thursday I went to see the trauma lady after taking a stream of 37 abusive texts from my brother about a small wooden box my son took from the house. (my grandfather had made it). I sat in session with a steady stream of tears trickling down my face and tried to explain to her how important it was to me that mom/bro were taken care of and happy. It hurt so badly that they would not only drop the whole load on me, but criticize and humiliate me while I was doing it.

Segway. I told her about how as a child I was responsible for the two of them. I remembered times of them hiding under my bed when they heard dad’s car pull up, and I would have to deal with his drunkenness. Either by sexual favors or by taking a beating. I recalled him throwing me against the wall and pounding on me….while they hid. Brother is only 11 mos younger than I. Craziness.

I am realizing this morning that they are still “under the bed” and I am still “taking the beating”. I need to change that. I will change that. I will not die being the abused one, I refuse to.

[stopdog]

I am sorry you endured that growing up. I am glad to hear you are not going to be the one to take it any more. It is time to take care of yourself. I hope the trauma specialist helps.

[granite1]

wow wiki my heart feels for that little girl and what she had to muster up the strength to deal with and indure it truely does. yes you need to change that. and first is not taking your mom in with you GOOD JOB. i am so glad you are looking at this in this way. you need to be taking care of you.your mother and brother are adults.you have dealt with the house and stuff now focus on you if they want to join in on the wiki party great if not let it go as much as you can hon.as hard and as against what you believe it is best . hard ,but best .she is your mom and he your brother .but they are not helping

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

TRIGGER WARNING – SEXUAL CONTENT

Background/Catch up – I fired my therapist of 2 years back in June, and after a bit of a search ended up with a trauma specialist that I have been seeing since late September. I have a lot going on in my life right now, crazy stressful crap, but I could care less whether I go to see this woman or not. I don’t dislike her much, but I am not terribly fond of her either. So some weeks I trudge in there, some weeks I don’t bother.

We have sold my 84 year old mother’s home, and I have spent the last month cleaning it. She moved in with my younger brother, and the two of them have been hiding out while I have done most of the work myself. Big house, 40 years of crap. Meanwhile battling some icky medical crap and having to put my own home on the market.

Last Thursday I went to see the trauma lady after taking a stream of 37 abusive texts from my brother about a small wooden box my son took from the house. (my grandfather had made it). I sat in session with a steady stream of tears trickling down my face and tried to explain to her how important it was to me that mom/bro were taken care of and happy. It hurt so badly that they would not only drop the whole load on me, but criticize and humiliate me while I was doing it.

Segway. I told her about how as a child I was responsible for the two of them. I remembered times of them hiding under my bed when they heard dad’s car pull up, and I would have to deal with his drunkenness. Either by sexual favors or by taking a beating. I recalled him throwing me against the wall and pounding on me….while they hid. Brother is only 11 mos younger than I. Craziness.

I am realizing this morning that they are still “under the bed” and I am still “taking the beating”. I need to change that. I will change that. I will not die being the abused one, I refuse to.

Wiki,

That is alot of stress to go through alone.
I am so sorry this happened to you when you were younger, its not fair. Even though you are not fond of your trauma therapist, something great came out of seeing her. You are not going to let anyone abuse you again. This takes a lot of courage well done and good luck with your mother and brother- They need a good talking to.

[pbutton]

Great insight. I am glad that you are going to take care of yourself. You deserve it.

[rainbow8]

wiki, what you endured as a child is so sad. I'm sorry it happened to you. Then, today you took care of your Mom and brother by cleaning up and selling the house, which is a huge job, and they are totally ungrateful. That's awful! I'm glad you're going to stand up for yourself and not take it anymore! You have to take care of your own needs right now. It seems like the trauma specialist is doing something for you, if just as a sounding board to validate your pain and resolution.

[SallyBrown]

It's times like this I wish I could hit the "Hugs" button multiple times.

You're so strong and amazing, Wiki. I completely have faith in your ability to make it to the other side of this.

[Sannah]

Excellent insight Wiki ..............

[elliemay]

It is very sad the way we always end up carrying the burden. Others get to hide, we don't. Someone *has* to be there right?

It's total ********.

Good for you for declaring your liberation. You are entitled to anything and everything in that house. You've earned it. Tell him to go back under the bed. He'll know *exactly* what you are talking about.

You can live without your brother and his crap.

Be free Wikid. Be free.

[WikidPissah]

thanks everyone. I think the reason I sat there with the trauma lady and cried while I told this piece of my history is because I just don't care if she likes me. Really, I don't. I was just thinking about that, it's weird. I have never not given a crap what the therapist thought before. Maybe there is enough separation with this woman that I will finally be able to be honest. She said "that's horrid". I kind of thought about it and realized, yes, it is horrid. What a horrid way to treat a little girl.

Originally Posted by elliemay

I You are entitled to anything and everything in that house. You've earned it. Tell him to go back under the bed. He'll know *exactly* what you are talking about.

Wow. He would know. I may try this. Thanks elliemay.

[Anne2.0]

So it seems to me that a brave little girl stood up to a monster, because she was the only one willing to, and because her putting her own body in harm's way protected the brother and mother that she loved.

She grew up but she still protects them, and that's a noble thing. The impulse is lovely, and loving, but it can't be unconditional. Those that need to be protected are not entitled to become monsters. That is completely unacceptable.

You have realized that you need to stand up for yourself, and for your son. Your brother needs to understand in very clear terms that you will not accept this kind of treatment from him, and that your son is going to keep that box and he (brother) will have to accept that too. And that he will apologize for his abusive texts towards you and if he ever steps over the line again, he will not enjoy the consequences. You are done with taking this from anyone.

I am so sorry about the stress in your life right now. I think that just realizing what you need to do for yourself is a huge sign of healing. Wish you the best.

Oh Wiki... I'm so glad you are going to start taking care of you... you took care of them long enough...

You are so very brave and so very strong...you can do this... (and actually in the end you are helping your mother and brother because they need to grow up and take responsibility for themselves...

Wikid that is an amazing insight. I feel for you. I am so glad you are seeing your own worth and are not going to let this continue.

Wiki-what a breakthrough. I hate that you went through that and I hate what you are going thru now, but you are so brave and so strong. You deserve nothing but peace and happiness. Hugs to you.

[WikidPissah]

seriously JerZ...you make me cry every time. lol. You are so kind and loving, thanks for the response, I know that it's hard for you to read threads like this.

No words, Wiki, but lots and lots of love.

[WikidPissah]

I just want to really hug you all. Every post brings little tears, but not sad ones. I treasure your friendship and support. All of you.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I am realizing this morning that they are still “under the bed” and I am still “taking the beating”. I need to change that. I will change that. I will not die being the abused one, I refuse to.

Wiki - so awesome to 'hear' these words!

lots of hug for an awesome lady! (that's YOU, Wiki)

[sconnie892]

Wiki

I am sorry you went through that as a child. You are so strong and brave and insightful.

Incredible perserverance, WikidPissah!
How does a person such as yourself survive and "soldier on" in the face of the abuse and horror that is her life? . . . . Because of your inner strength and determination takes over. . . .Your father couldn't take that away one piece or parcel of your strength and determination with his abuse and boorish behavior, and no matter what, your mother and brother's fearful and frightened hunkering down didn't put you off or make you step down from your determination to protect them . . . This makes you a hero in most people's opinion!

I want to congratuate you for collecting the Childhood Metal of Honor. I can only wish such an award existed in our society. It should be one that children can collect for all that they have to put up with . . .all that they have to witness or see in their young lives. . . I know that so many children put up with such horrid childhoods and we as American's fail to recognize this fact. We talk about being a nation that protects and cares for children, but in reality, we don't. We pretend and then we turn our heads. I wish someone strong and caring had been there to protect you when you needed and wanted that protection! I wish that you didn't feel as though you still had to protect and shield your mother and brother. I wish you had someone to protect and shield you when you NEEDED the protection.

[lostin08]

Wikid, Thank you for sharing your little girls heart breaking story. How brave! Much love!

[Sunne]

You are courageous! I'm sorry for what you had to endure and that you were not protected. I admire your strength.

Wiki, I'm so happy you made that connection and now you can change the outcome...you don't have to be that little girl anymore. You are one of the strongest people I know and you give me strength just by sharing your story and wisdom. (((((((Wiki)))))))))))

[Luce]

That moment when you realize that everyone always let you take the fall
and they STILL let you take the fall
and it's now time to stand up and not be pushed down anymore
is a powerful one.

May your feet always stand strong beneath you, WP.

[WikidPissah]

geez friends....I don't know what to say. Just big huge HUGS! (except for stopdog and pbutton...you two get a huge thanks and a fist bump )