I think I nearly got hospitalised today (tw suicidality)

In therapy my T asked about my mood, as she usually does (I'm not sure whether I've been diagnosed with depression or not) and I told her it had been bad. I admitted I'd had some suicidal thoughts and had a plan and she took it a lot more seriously than I expected. She asked me if I was safe to go home and I was trying to say yes but panicking and freezing up. She told me it was very important and that she needed to hear me say aloud whether or not I was safe. I told her I was because I think at the moment I am.

But it's weird going about the rest of my day, socialising, working, exercising etc when I think I was so close to being hospitalised this morning. It's also scary because I'm terrified at the thought of being hospitalised more than I am of killing myself. I mean if I'm hospitalised I miss a week or so of uni that I can't get back (whereas if I kill myself it won't matter?). I want to talk about feeling suicidal but I think it makes me feel more suicidal and I am very scared of being hospitalised.

(nb right now I am feeling suicidal but not urgently, more a 'it will happen at some point in the foreseeable future' kind of way)

Welcome.

I am sorry you are in such a bad place right now. I have been there and it's really painful. Some t's will let you talk about those thoughts, and some won't. I think it depends on your history and how productive talking about them would be.

Can I tell you that sui is not better than hospitalization? Don't fear the hospital. It isn't much help, except for a med change and eval. A little group. A lot of crazies. But it's not always a bad experience at all for people. I think talking with your t about what would happen and which hospital would be best for you would be good though. Kind of a preventative plan. I know exactly where I would be if I fall down again, and the specialist I see knows as well. Take away the fear by putting a well thought out safety plan in place.

I have been there too... one discussion that has been useful to have with my doctors is for me to tell them how I know when I need to be in the hospital and when I don't. Then your T might feel a little more comfortable with you talking about suicidal feelings because they'll have a better sense of how dangerous it is. Does that make sense? Like for me, if I have a plan and I have done something (no matter how small) to start carrying out the plan, then I have to be in the hospital. But if the plan is is my head and I haven't done anything other than think about it, I know there is time and safety for me to work with my doctor before it gets out of control.
I hope things are feeling a little more manageable now.