Anxious about not being anxious

I just tried to call T, and she's already out of the office for the holiday. I'm not going to call her on her cell phone. I know this is not an emergency, even though it kind of feels like one to me. So, I thought maybe I'd reach out here...or at least, get my thoughts out somewhere other than my journal.

I finally agreed to see a p-doc and after some trial and error, we found a med that is actually managing my anxiety really well. I haven't had a panic attack in 3 weeks!!! And, things that would normally cause my anxiety to skyrocket haven't. It's been really nice. However, this morning, I realized that in the next few days, I have all kinds of anxiety triggers occurring, and I'm not feeling anxious at all. Then, I started freaking out because I'm not freaking out. I don't actually know how to handle not being anxious. I know that normally I would be feeling very anxious about Thanksgiving - having to eat with family and spend time with family. I have company coming tomorrow - normally, I'd be panicking about making sure my house is perfect before they get here. I'm going out of town this weekend to some place new...huge anxiety trigger normally. But, right now, I'm just a little worried about these things...I'm not feeling the extreme physical anxiety reactions I normally would.

I honestly do not know how to handle this extreme lessening of anxiety. I almost feel like a part of me is missing or shut down (and yes, in a way it is, but that's supposed to be good, right?). I really, really wish I could talk to T about this!!!!!! I just need to hear that it's okay to not be anxious, that it's a good thing I'm not feeling anxious. This is what we've been working towards, I just wasn't expecting such a drastic change.

Try to just accept normality as the gift that it is. It is hard to adjust to feeling actually pretty okay; it feels unreal and "wrong" because we are so accustomed to the feelings of anxiety and chaos in our lives. Try to accept this gift and enjoy your holiday. So glad to hear your anxiety has been so well relieved. Enjoy the mental rest.

Congrats on not having had a panic attack in 3 weeks. That has got to feel awesome.

I can understand the anxiety about not feeling anxiety. I have my first pdoc appt in a few weeks. I can't imagine myself not anxious. I get kind of giddy on Ativan. Not because of the drug, but because it feels so weird to be NOT anxious.

I'd imagine it's quite a big adjustment & it takes time to get used to these things. I hope you find a way to enjoy it.

Chris - thank you. Your reply made me cry...in a good way. This is all so new to me. Wish I'd realized this might be an issue when I met with T last week.

Pbutton - Thanks. It took T 3 years to convince me to meet with the p-doc. I was terrified, but it has actually been a really good thing. I have not had good experiences with anti-depressants in the past, so the p-doc wanted to try really low doses of benzos. Klonopin relaxed me, but I was still constantly on edge and still very anxious. Ativan didn't do anything at the lowest dose, then at a slightly increased dose, it just made me super drowsy...to the point I could barely function. Xanax at a very low dose 3 times a day has been working really well for me so far. I'm just so not used to feeling not anxious, especially when it's about something I would historically would feel extreme anxiety about.

I totally understand.

I find that if I don't feel anxious in a situation that I'd otherwise feel really anxious in, I'm like bracing for the anxiety to come back rather than just going with the flow and accepting that, in that moment, I don't feel anxious.

It's surely a new feeling for you, but also a good one. What might also be adding to the strangeness is that if you're not anxious, what are you supposed to feel? It's like a challenge that now you have to figure out what will take the place of that formerly ever-present anxiety. It may take a bit of experimenting before finding the "new normal" state. Until that happens, you may feel good, but also a bit lost. It's ok.

I hate doing this...but I hate that I wasn't told this...so I am going to say it.

Benzos are extremely physiologically addictive. Taking them for longer than 2 weeks is dangerous. See sites like http://www.benzobuddies.org for more info. I went thru hell coming off of them, and I used them exactly as prescribed.

I am so glad your anxiety had diminished though. No one should have to deal with extreme anxiety, I honestly understand panic attacks and night terrors way too much.

Wiki - Thank you, and I appreciate the feedback.

I have done my research, and my p-doc and I have talked extensively about benzos and the risks around them. I'm on an extremely low dose - 0.125 mg. My p-doc has already told me that whenever I want to come off of them, he will work with me to taper off to prevent any withdrawal symptoms. For me, right now, the benefits outweigh the risks.

Hmm, is Sertraline a benzo-whatever? Just curious as that's what I'm taking and have been on it for a good while now.

I'm pretty sure Sertraline is an SSRI anti-depressant, and not addictive--though you'd still need to taper off when finished.

Way cool Rhi, I just hate that I was not informed. Glad it's working for you.