[Fixated]

So a lot of my posts/worries have to do with not believing my T cares about me in any real way. As more than just a number and a paycheck.

My T has said she doesn't believe it is her responsibility to reassure me about the relationship/her caring.

It all came up again today because I said that if I did something to make her care then it could be undone when so many negative things about me come to light. She said that's not how it works.

Long story short, she said she is still not going to continually reassure me but offered to tell me if she ever stops caring. I amended it to 'stop caring and/or not want to work with me'. She agreed.

At first, this seemed like a great solution, but I've very quickly fallen into doubt about it/her honestly.

Ugh...how do you get settled about these things? It is soooooooo frustrating and draining.

[feralkittymom]

I think you continue to work on whatever brought you to therapy, and through that process in time, your belief in her constancy grows. I don't think there's any shortcut, and before that time, if she were to reassure you every minute, it would still not be enough.

[Little Me]

I've had the same constant worry for the past 3 years about my T. I know she cares but it seems it will be never be enough. I do know that the past 3 years she has always been there for me and she is so reliable, constant, consistent and caring each and every week. She says that learning to trust will come through our relationship. I don't really understand it at all but I can see the progress from 3 years ago when I started. I am thankful for her patience because I have little.
Keep believing and trying and hoping. It is worth it.

[learning1]

I worried about that constantly too and my t did stop caring. I'm not sure he ever cared much, but he said he did at the beginning before he knew much of anything about me. Maybe I should have known better than to try to trust that. I didn't talk about being afraid he'd stop caring like it sounds like you did with your t, since I was afraid he'd think I was too needy. Maybe we are somewhat opposite of each other.

I think asking a t tell me if they stopped caring, or if they started to stop caring, sounds like a good idea, although I can understand why you feel like it's not enough.

[stopdog]

I don't think it matters if a therapist cares or not. And how does one ever know if any other person really cares or not? If thinking they care or don't care helps, why not go with it? I mean, I don't suggest relying on it or believing in it meaning the same thing to both parties, but if going around thinking a therapist cares is useful, I don't think I would then worry about it being true or not.

[elliemay]

How do you stop worrying about these things? I don't know if you ever do actually. It's scary.

The "do they care" part is embedded in a lot of relationships outside of therapy too.

The therapeutic one is a very easy target because there is a lot of emotion and money changes hands.

It's easy to negate the caring because of that money.

For me, the basic tenet of dealing with it came with acceptance that I'll never *really* know. There would be no amount of evidence that could ever convince me 100% so, well, I was just going to move forward anyway.

How do you prove the unprovable?

You can't, you have to go on the road of faith. You just have to go and see where that road takes you - good or bad.

One thing we have to realize in this life is that people cannot "prove" their love for us in words; it is through their actions that we can see the evidence of their caring. Your T is wise is telling you that she cannot continually reassure you of her caring because no matter how much she says it, you will not be reassured. That reassurance, that trust, that faith, has to come from within. At some point you have to take a leap of faith and trust your T to be honest with you. That has to come from within you; your T can't do that for you.

[Anne2.0]

Of course you know that the issue of whether your T cares, or cares at the level you believe you desire, is about you, not her.

I don't experience this with my T, but I do with my H. I do tend to believe he doesn't care whenever I'm not getting the reaction that I want or the reaction that I expect from him. Coincidentally I have these feelings of "he doesn't care" whenever there is something going on with me that I am having difficulty coping with. This really peeves me off, as it makes it quite clear that this is about me, not him.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think it matters if a therapist cares or not. And how does one ever know if any other person really cares or not? If thinking they care or don't care helps, why not go with it? I mean, I don't suggest relying on it or believing in it meaning the same thing to both parties, but if going around thinking a therapist cares is useful, I don't think I would then worry about it being true or not.

Wow, do you really think this? If I knew my therapist couldn't care less about me, I'd be outta there so fast. Therapy is about making a connection with another human being and allowing that connection to be a tool for growth, understanding, change and healing.

To think otherwise is, to me, unthinkable.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by learning1

I worried about that constantly too and my t did stop caring. I'm not sure he ever cared much, but he said he did at the beginning before he knew much of anything about me. Maybe I should have known better than to try to trust that. I didn't talk about being afraid he'd stop caring like it sounds like you did with your t, since I was afraid he'd think I was too needy. Maybe we are somewhat opposite of each other.

I think asking a t tell me if they stopped caring, or if they started to stop caring, sounds like a good idea, although I can understand why you feel like it's not enough.

How do you know he stopped caring? Did something happen? (I'm sorry if you've explained this before. I don't remember)

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Wow, do you really think this? If I knew my therapist couldn't care less about me, I'd be outta there so fast. Therapy is about making a connection with another human being and allowing that connection to be a tool for growth, understanding, change and healing.

To think otherwise is, to me, unthinkable.

I'm pretty sure that the thought of therapy being about making a connection is unthinkable to stopdog. It's not my main focus either.

[Lauru]

Unfortunately, my T of 7 years ended up showing quite clearly that she did not care at all. She only cared when I was doing well. When I needed her, she didn't return calls and shut down. She wouldn't let me talk about the real issues saying she didn't want to be negative. wtf?? Finally, when I was suicidal and called her and let her know I was suicidal, she told me not to call her again. Suffice it to say, I am no longer with her.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by Fixated

How do you know he stopped caring? Did something happen? (I'm sorry if you've explained this before. I don't remember)

I posted about it a little here and there but not much. He pushed me to come less or stop doing therapy over a couple of sessions. At the last session he was openly mean and made fun of me for being upset he was pushing me to leave. I had only been there twice in 6 months and he said, in a mocking way, would it be enough if I said you need to come twice a week or would it be enough if I said I always like talking to you.

[Little Me]

That makes me so sad to hear what happened to you. You deserve so much better. I'm so sorry. There are T's that care, that's why they do what they do. I am fortunate and hope you can experience real caring soon.