How much to expect from T?

I've been seeing my T for over 3 years now. When we started I'd never done therapy before and I was a total mess after a codependent relationship had ended. So I didn't have a goal or anything in mind. In the beginning I learned and improved a lot, but recently it's been just maintenance, or so I thought. It's been mostly relationship advice, since I struggle with friendships and connections with other people. She's never actually diagnosed me with anything. I use the words codependent and depressed but she never does.

I thought I was on the right track this whole time so it shocked me when my life fell apart about a month ago. I became codependent on a love interest and was completely obsessed with him. I acted out against all my friends and they called it quits with me. All this time I had been going to T, so why didn't she try and warn me I was going down the wrong path? Obviously I'm responsible for my own life, but isn't that part of why I go to T?

Is it unreasonable to expect her to stop me and say "hey you're getting codependent again." Or is it my responsibility to tell her I want her to stop me when I'm being codependent? Like I said we never set goals in the beginning, and my goals and situation have evolved over the 3 years we've been doing T. After everything went down the toilet I went to her and said "I'm really sick. I'm really codependent. I need help." And she said she was happy I came to this conclusion and that now we could start doing the real work. Is that how T works? I wanted help before of course even though I was in denial. I even asked her "why do I get so obsessed with people?" while I was in the midst of my latest codependent episode but she was very vague about it. "You need to identify your underlying need" she said I think. I guess I expected more direction from her - you should do this, you should stop this. I was in a way asking for help, asking if I was doing something wrong.

Also it really disappointed me when one of my friends did a better job analyzing my situation than my T did. My friend told me - you keep calling J(the guy I like) with crises because you want to talk to him but feel you need a reason to call him. She was spot on. I wish my T analyzed things like that for me rather than just listening. I almost feel like she supported my codependent behavior by giving me relationship advice. Is it unrealistic to expect her to realize when I'm being codependent?

So is my T just unequipped for my kind of problems or is it up to me to tell her what to do for me? Has our relationship just gone on too long and gotten weird? I have mother issues and I think I'm starting to react to my T in similar ways to how I react to my mother... I get pouty and passive aggressive and I want her to be sweet and kind to me but I'm unable to be sweet and kind to her... My parents were really meek and never gave me direction or discipline so that's probably why I want it from T. I guess I should talk about all this with her obviously. Maybe if I'm able to resolve my patterns in my relationship with the T then it'll be a step in resolving my mother issues.

My T gives me the opportunity to make the same unhealthy choices as I work through growing and evolving in T. After leaving my ex-husband and certain unhealthy friendships, T told me that he didn't expect me to make healthy new choices right away. I need to have the freedom of making the mistakes I need to in order to make my own path towards health. It can't be his path, or my path made by him...it has to be truly mine.

So, unless I'm in real physical danger, T will let me learn through my life experiences.

It doesn't sound like you would have taken her advice had she given it. You say you were in denial, and are pouty and passive aggressive. Until the client is ready to accept an interpretation, the practice is to not offer it as it is either wasted or damaging psychologically. Simply hearing an interpretation doesn't result in change of behavior--that's where the work of therapy is. It sounds like you entered therapy in crisis, the crisis abated, and therapy went into maintenance mode. Until you engage as ready to work, nothing else will happen. It's a process, not a fix-it shop.

It's definitely a process. My T has got to be the most patient woman on the planet to wait while I figure things out for myself when it would be so much easier for HER to just say Yo - Artemis - THIS! But bless her heart, she never does that. Even when I ask her to. I always end up thanking her later after I've figured out whatever it is I'm working on. I thank her, because it means so much more when it comes from inside me, than just being told something. She tells me all the time when I thank her - "You've done all the work!" I HAVE worked very hard, I don't deny that. It's been worth every bit of work too to be where I am now. Ferelkittymom is right, it's not a fix-it shop, it's a process, and yes it's a lot of work but when you're ready to do it, and you roll up your sleeves and dive into it, it can be pretty incredible. I'm living proof.

I like the way your T handled it. I don't think it's her responsibility to stop you from being dependent in a relationship. But if you go to her and say, "I think I'm doing it again, let's work more on this in therapy," then I would expect her to follow your lead and put that issue at the top of the list to work on.

On the one hand you wish your T analyzed your life and relationships. But on the other hand you didn't like it when she gave you relationship advice? It may be hard for your T to tell what you want.

All these little negotiations with your T, making your wants/needs known, clearing up misunderstandings, getting over the disappointment of their not being exactly the way you want them to be, etc.--the heart of therapy!

(((((Hezza))))))),
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. take care.

I was going to talk about my belief on therapists and interpretations, but it ended up being too long so I created a new thread.