[franki_j]

A couple months ago, I told T about how attached I feel towards her and about my maternal transference for her. We haven't really talked about it since, unless it comes up (ie I began emailing her too much at one point and this led to talking about how I am anxious because I feel so attached to her and I am scared she will leave me.) So I guess we haven't talked about it unless the situation requires us to do so, which I am OK with because there is always a lot to talk about and our sessions are only 45 mins. a week.

However, after I told her about my maternal transference for her, she says things sometimes that suggest that maybe she feels the same way. For example, one time I came into session and I had been so busy that day that I hadn't really eaten a lot and was going to a class right after session, so I wasn't going to have time to eat until way later. I told her I hadn't really eaten before seeing her and she kept telling me to get something to eat after I left her office and suggesting different places I could go to get something quick and making me promise I would eat something. Then she said something like, "Wow, I feel like your mom." And then she asked, "Does your mom ever say anything like this to you?" (i.e. telling me I have to eat something even if I am really busy.)

And then a couple sessions after that, she had been bugging me about seeing a p-doc and she made me promise to bring in a list of p-docs in the area for her to see if she knew anyone that took my insurance. And I was sitting there kind of rolling my eyes, but I agreed to do it, and she said "Yes, mom," kind of jokingly, like kind of suggesting she was acting like a mother.

I mean, I guess these things don't sound like a big deal, but she definitely never used to say things like that before I told her about how I feel like she is very maternal. The thing is, is that she is 30 years older than me (24, 54) and doesn't have kids of her own, so I wonder if this could play a factor in it? What do you guys think?

[Wren_]

I think it's something that can come up naturally in relationships where we care about someone. You are both using the words mom; i wonder if that's because we've been taught certain things are motherly (whether a mother provides them or not) so if anyone else shows the same care it gets labelled such. I say things to friends online that are my age eg. when they are sick, and one teasingly said mom; yet I definitely don't feel motherly towards her

[autotelica]

I think it's something natural that develops between people separated by a big gulf in age. It's hard to relate as friends would when there are that many years between you. So what's the other relationship template left? A parental-type thing.

My psychologist is forty years older than me, and she gives me the "mother" treatment. It doesn't seem odd to me, though. Indeed, I can't imagine her relating to me in any other kind of way. It is both a good thing and a kinda-sorta not-so-good thing. It is good because the mother-daughter dynamic is one that I am familiar with--one that I understand and take comfort in. But it is kinda-sorta not good because I have a life pattern of only connecting with women who are considerably older than me. I need to mature and experience relationships that are more peer-oriented.

I've never thought that this was transference, though. My psychologist is nothing like my mother (who is a lovely person), and I don't want her to be.

[feralkittymom]

I would say that if you are comfortable with a maternal relationship, then there's no problem.

I wanted a paternal relationship with my T, and since he is 25 years older, it was natural for both of us. It's a pretty common counter transference for Ts to have, even without an age difference.

I see a tendency on the fora to always see counter transference (and maybe transference, too) as a problem, but many are neither positive nor negative, and some are quite positive. It's just something to be aware of and monitor for its influence.

[unaluna]

I have motherly feelings towards my t, and feel them back from him sometimes, and he's just a few years older than me, and I'm a girl. I think it's just part of the - what's the word - the possible repertoire of feelings.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by hankster

I have motherly feelings towards my t, and feel them back from him sometimes, and he's just a few years older than me, and I'm a girl. I think it's just part of the - what's the word - the possible repertoire of feelings.

I think that T's would have to be made of stone if they didn't have some kind of "tender" feelings towards clients at least some of the time. Those tender feelings may seem like maternal, paternal, friend-like, lover-like, etc. I regularly have some of these kinds of feelings towards the young lawyers I mentor, even though I keep my boundaries pretty well crystal clear. It's just hard NOT to feel tenderly towards people who work hard at doing something hard for them, and they have feelings about the work, and about you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by franki_j

However, after I told her about my maternal transference for her, she says things sometimes that suggest that maybe she feels the same way.

I can believe that. I think that is healthy and perhaps even inevitable in a good T relationship.

[Dreamy01]

It does sound like she is experiencing a maternal transference towards you and that doesn't have to be a bad thing as long as she keeps it in check. Hopefully she is aware enough of how she is reacting so that she doesn't allow her feelings to influence the therapy over time. Not saying this will happen but when a T reacts unconsiously to the client this can cause problems particularly as you have feelings about needing her to be your mother. But sometimes these feelings and situations can be very positive and healing too in opening the way to understanding what you need from others and what feelings you may provoke in them.

[Perna]

I think you are in kind of an inbetween time, too old to live at home with your own mother but not quite established in a household of your own and having someone like a mom who isn't your mom is a good thing. If there are things you didn't learn from your mom (how to take care of yourself) it's a time to learn them before you may be with partners or kids, etc. and helping take care of others and a T can be a good teacher in that way.