[Chopin99]

I want to express how much I appreciate everyone's feedback on my two threads about my last session! Now that I've had time away from thinking actively about it and don't feel quite so reactive, I've formulated some questions and conversation starters that I feel would be beneficial. All I want is for T to be honest with me.

What is your off the cuff perception of last session?

Why did you react so strongly to my email and my statement that I no longer cared about the email? I spoke with several people about my session, and all thought your reaction bordered on personal offense. What do you think?

My colleagues and I do not ascribe to the "I only feel positive emotions related to my clients" theory. You state the only negative emotion you feel is frustration. My colleagues and I feel not only frustration; but disappointment, anger, disgust, and sorrow in relation to our clients. To state otherwise would be a falsehood. We control our emotions, but state them to our clients. They are real-life teaching moments; i.e. "I am disappointed in you. Do you understand why I would feel that way? No? Let me tell you so that you can understand." or "I am angry at you. Do you understand why I'm angry about this? Can you see my point of view?"

Most people I talk to about therapy and I think you are rather maternal with me and feel that is a good thing. Last session, I perceived you are scolding me. I saw my own mother in you. The way in which you spoke to me is exactly like several people in my life might react in a similar situation; my mother, my volleyball coach, and Barbara come to mind immediately.

I was in a very reactionary, yet careful (I proofed that email twice before I sent it) state of mind when I sent the email week before last. From now on, if I feel the urge to send such an email, I'll write it and send it to myself. I will not open it until the next day, at which time I will ponder how I feel about it. I will then wait another day. If it still bothers me so badly, I will either send it or make an appointment if possible. Is this reasonable or do I need to sit with feelings such as this for an entire week or more?

We've been handling appointment changes via email for months. I like this system, but we have to agree upon it. I also like being able to email you, especially if something particularly positive happens. Are you agreeable?

I've been talking about so many negative things in session for the past couple of months that I haven't shared many successes. I wonder if that colored your perception that I am sliding backwards. I do not feel I lost any progress of late. Your statement that I've lost 12 months of progress was shaming. In the two weeks leading up to last session, I was overwhelmed, having trouble sleeping, adjusting to once a week sessions, etc. I feel I made one isolated mistake.

I actively strive to be "special" to you and I don't know why. I've done some thinking, and I realized I have not and do not strive to be "special" to anyone else. Can you help me figure this out?

[struggling2]

these are all very good thoughts/questions chopin. you work so hard on your therapy, good for you..taking care of yourself! This part right here:

I actively strive to be "special" to you and I don't know why. I've done some thinking, and I realized I have not and do not strive to be "special" to anyone else. Can you help me figure this out?

I think thats a really good thing for you to talk about. Could it be because she IS maternal with you and maybe you didnt feel special to your mom so you are transferring that to her because she does respond to you in that way?

Let us know how it goes!

[stopdog]

For me, it would be best not to include the "others" or "most people" in conversation with someone. I am not certain how it would matter what other people think about the relationship between a client and therapist. It puts me off as an attorney and professor when clients or students do it. Just a thought.

[Wren_]

hi chopin,
my thoughts would be more to begin with the
"Why did you react so strongly to my email and my statement that I no longer cared about the email?" and then give your T time to share what was going on with her and see how things go from there

the striving to be special idea is something you could also bring up later in session ...

I hope it goes well

[mixedup_emotions]

My T tells me that his feelings aren't always relevant because his feelings are more about him than me....and that's not always important to my therapy.

I agree with stopdog - including others in your statement, I'd imagine could be seen as ganging up on her. It's not really important what others feel. It's between you and T. Although I understand the desire to make it known that it wasn't just your feedback that came into play - you took the feedback of others into consideration as well...

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by stopdog

For me, it would be best not to include the "others" or "most people" in conversation with someone. I am not certain how it would matter what other people think about the relationship between a client and therapist. It puts me off as an attorney and professor when clients or students do it. Just a thought.

I agree. Likely she'll only be interested in what your thoughts about your therapy are, not what other's think about it.

Good luck!

I agree with stopdog, elliemay, and MUE about mentioning what others think. Bearing in mind how your T responded to you last session, and how she seems to be taking things a little personally, some of this might put her on the defensive... I suggest treading with caution! (I speak as someone who's T perceived she was 'attacking' her... ) I think the perception of being 'scolded' is good to bring up, though, in relation to the maternal transference, how it made you feel, etc.

Hope you have a good session.

[unaluna]

You just sound so different, so well grounded. You say you strive to be special to her but that need doesn't come across. What does come across is a strong sense of self and of your peeps. Of you standing on your own two feet.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

For me, it would be best not to include the "others" or "most people" in conversation with someone. I am not certain how it would matter what other people think about the relationship between a client and therapist. It puts me off as an attorney and professor when clients or students do it. Just a thought.

I get you, but...

When you are arguing with the judge, which do you say:
a) "I think..." or
b) "The majority of the Supreme Court thinks..."?

But I've just realised that you only have to drag in other opinions if your aim is to win the argument.
If you want to achieve understanding, perhaps "I think..." is better.

So it looks like I agree with you after all!

PS:

When I argue, I play to win! Maybe that's why I'm making such slow progress.

[sittingatwatersedge]

this is brave Chopin. I know what it feels like to take courage in your two hands and say, please tell me what happened in here last week, from your perspective.
I must say that the response was surprisingly good, in fact I couldn't have asked for a better one. I felt as if I'd tried asking for something in a a foreign language, and somehow had gotten it right - and got what I was asking for. whew!!

Hope this goes well for you. ((((((((((((((( chopin )))))))))))))))

[sconnie892]

Chopin,
You are such a strong woman to be able to do this.
I like that you have made a plan for emailing that you can present to t.

[Chopin99]

Thanks for your replies. I've modified some of the questions for the session. I'm about to leave now.

[BashfulBear]

Good luck, Chopin, I know you'll do amazingly! I really admire you!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Thanks for your replies. I've modified some of the questions for the session. I'm about to leave now.

Good luck!