[BashfulBear]

Feeling so bad right now. I don't think I'm allowed (supposed?) to post/write about that here though, so I'll refrain.

I had session this morning and was totally useless. I needed to talk about how low I am right now and ask for help - I don't know what help, but help, you know - yet I just couldn't. I managed to say I felt bad, but that was the extent of it. T pointed out that I appeared fine and even smiled 'You say you feel bad, but you smile.' It's the same story any time I've tried to let her know I really don't feel well. I seem to lose my emotions when I'm in there and I wish I didn't. T knows this happens, but I want her to see the extreme distress that consumes me during the 167 hours a week I don't see her. Attempting to explain it isn't enough. She doesn't understand, and I don't feel taken seriously.

On one level I want to switch places with her for a while and let her deal with it all. Let her be the one who completely breaks down. Let her be the one curled up in a ball or in a heap on the floor absolutely crying her eyes out (like nothing you've ever seen) for 6+ hours at a time. Let her be the one who's spiralling more and more out of control. Let her be the one who's so distressed, out of it, and helpless that she's both inadvertently and compulsively scratching the hell out of her legs, picking her skin, and ripping her lips to shreds. Let her be the one that wants to talk to someone during the crisis, but is all alone and has nobody to talk to. Let her be the one that's desperate for somebody to hold her hand or hug her, and accept and want to help her. Let her be the one that nobody cares about, let alone wants to help. Let her be the one who manages to get even more distressed when she realises nobody's coming to listen, help, or comfort. Let her be the one who fights numerous bad impulses. Let her be the one who deals with all this simultaneously until she vomits and/or passes out. Let her be the one who wakes up just to ultimately do it all again.

I couldn't connect with her. I kept trying, and trying, and trying the entire time, but it just wasn't going to happen. It was futile. I couldn't even form coherent thoughts, never mind string together coherent, useful, sentences. The only remotely nice and/or soothing part of the hour was that she said she wants us to work. T asked me if I wanted us to work, because she really wants us to work. It doesn't help the immediate situation/crisis though...

I cannot even begin to express how horrific I feel right now. Everything's completely out of control. I need a do-over of today so I can get the session right this time - so I can reach out for help and get a response. I need (want?) T... It'll be a miracle if I manage to make it through the next week by myself.

Writing this likely won't help, but I just wanted to put it out there...

[Nightlight]

Your post made me cry because I relate so strongly to that level of distress....and for the first time in four years I asked for my T's help in between an appointment. I told her how desperate I was (and she seemed to really hear me, she gave me an emergency phone number), and her own life stuff got in the way and she forgot, forgot to call me back when she said she would. It had taken my whole life to be brave enough to ask...and even when I did...still no one was there for me (and I'd really thought for the first time that someone truly would be, I thought she'd come through for me and that I'd taken a huge step forwards in asking).

Just wanted to say, I really relate and you'e not alone out there living through that level of pain...with not a soul to help.

Can you share writing with your T? Your distress comes across so clearly here. I share writing with mine, and I think that's how she began to really hear me. It's so hard to hand over, because it's like it reveals all of me...but it has helped me a lot.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry things are going bad. Try to spend the week filling a chart like this so your T can see the real you.

[liveforfish]

I agree. Write it all down in a journal and show her at your next session. If she/he doesn't connect then find a new T. I have done this many times. No connection and I'm gone, I'm finding someone else.

[feralkittymom]

You really should try to print out your post and give it to her.

When she said that you were smiling, even though you were saying you felt bad, I don't think she wasn't hearing you. I think she was just sharing her observation that your expression and feeling didn't match. Like your expression was denying or covering up your feeling, not that she disbelieved you were feeling badly.

Give her another chance by showing her your post.

It sounds like she WAS trying to understand when she said your demeanor wasn't matching what you are telling her. That's an important point because what that is saying is that you are holding back and until you truly open up to her, in detail and description, it keeps her only knowing bits and pieces of what it going on with you.

She CAN'T understand you if you don't communicate all of this to her. So, if you can't get the words out, perhaps you need to write it down. Show her your original post. Give her a place to start at least because the connection won't come until you are open with her. She can't read your mind. She doesn't have the ability to just "know" what you are going through.

[~EnlightenMe~]

((((Bashful)))))))

I also suspect that when your T pointed out that your expression was different than how you felt, that she might have been trying to raise your awareness. I understand feeling distant, and I know it is frustrating and can lead to a feeling of being alone.

My last session, I became acutely aware that I had been distant to start with, and that I became even more distant. I was able to mindfully notice it, and it was terrifying because I couldn't feel what my T was saying, and my feelings are my guage of whether or not something is safe. I told my T that I was distant and that I couldn't change it, and he said, I know. I think that there is.a.way to let down your guard, and I don't know what that is, but I suspect if you print your post that she will be able to help you with this. I am glad you posted and were able to articulate how you feel. Keep us posted, I know you can do this. Hugs to you.

I know that they are ethical concerns related to therapy.
But I believe it's time for the therapist it take an activist approach to eliminating the perception of indifference in the experience of the patient.

I once told my therapist that I feel totally naked outside therapy. 167 hours of total nudity in 1 hour where I get to work clothes only to be shoved back out into the world totally naked when the sessions over.
Anyone, even the therapist would crumble under such circumstances if that was their reality.
And guess what?
I bet that is exactly how you feel.

The only way we feel cared for sometimes is if our therapists treat our greatest vulnerabilities as if they were their own.
A therapist that can do that is an activist therapist working to eliminate forever the perception of indifference and the unjust shame we impose upon ourselves associated with the feeling that we are not loved even when a person knows us better than anyone has ever known us.

At some point in therapy the newness and unconditional acceptance turns into the idea that we are stale and rejected.

We often hear about the qualities of the"good patient" and I believe this is where the success pf the therapist becomes more important than the success of the patient and that is wrong.
Success in therapy is sometimes just getting that patient to realize how important their health is to the therapist. Even if the therapist does this 100 times it may have to happen 100 more times to help foster a healthier life for the patient outside therapy.
A therapist that can see therapy through the eyes of their patient is an activist.
A therapist that can communicate that back to a patient is neither a doctor or a therapist, but rather a good person.
Sometimes, the only one who knows the difference is the patient.
I I am so sorry you're going through this.

[BashfulBear]

Thanks for all the hugs and responses, I really do appreciate them.

Nightlight: I'm so sorry I made you cry! I'm also sorry about your T not being there for you - I know how horrific that must have been - do you still see the same T, or?

Miguel'smom: Thank you for the link to the chart! Worksheets and such really aren't my T's kind of thing, but I'll see what she makes of this one.

nothingtolivefor: Thanks for the interesting input. I certainly relate to the nudity/clothing concept, and the rest of your writing also makes a lot of sense, but I'm not quite sure what to do with it?! Hmmm...

General response: Again, thank you all for trying to be helpful. I'm afraid I wasn't at all clear in my original post - writing/posting when I'm that distressed and overwhelmed is never a great idea. When I wrote 'It's the same story any time I've tried to let her know I really don't feel well' and 'T knows this happens', what I really meant was that we end up having the same conversation (about the inconsistency between what I feel inside and what I outwardly present to others) any and every time I admit I feel bad. One time we really exhausted the topic - spent most of the session talking about it - and came up with no solution. Moreover, I've told her everything that's in the third paragraph on numerous occasions, but she just doesn't hear me. At all. She shrugs the topic off like it's nothing. I really believe she needs to see it or experience it, but (for whatever reason) it only happens during the 167 hours a week that I'm not with her. Argh!

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by BashfulBear

Thanks for all the hugs and responses, I really do appreciate them.

Nightlight: I'm so sorry I made you cry! I'm also sorry about your T not being there for you - I know how horrific that must have been - do you still see the same T, or?

Not in a bad way. I just really strongly related to the way you were feeling when you posted, and have been going through such a tough time too (posts don't usually make me cry ).

We've had so many similar incidents lately and I am still working with her, but it's been tough. I'm trying to sort through the mess. I have only one more appointment before the Christmas break. Not a great time for it!

Sorry you're feeling so unheard even though you try to talk about it too. I think sometimes my T hears and understands a bit...but I do think it's a bit different when someone hasn't spent a large amount of their own life feeling something similar to us. It's hard to truly understand how distressing and difficult it is to cope with, survive, and pull through. Particularly when the struggle is endless and exhausting. It takes a lot of strength to keep going all the time. I think many T's sort of get it and try to understand...but we are the ones living it.

[BashfulBear]

Aw, well I'm sorry you can relate to it - the thought of anyone else going through the same thing makes my heart hurt

Yikes, that sounds rough, Nightlight! I wish things with your T were better. Do you think working through it is doable? I don't ever know when to say enough's enough myself... it's hard.

I really do understand it's difficult for T, but I wish she wouldn't dismiss it. I desperately need some kind of support - or even better, help - to cope and ideally stop it happening...