[rainbow8]

This may not be triggering except to me, but just in case, it's about sex and anatomy, but not graphic.




I had the weirdest, riskiest, scariest session today! I knew I wanted to write and draw again, and I knew it was going to be embarrassing. I started panicking and told T not to watch me, so she doodled something on her own paper.

I had to get out "bad stuff", but it wasn't about abuse. It's my own version of "bad stuff", which was a lot of four letter words I don't use, and also anatomy words, and some sexual stuff. I wrote it all down, and drew some pictures. Then I couldn't show it to her. She said I didn't have to, but the point was I wanted to be told "I was okay and not weird for what I wrote and drew." Of course she asked where did I feel the embarrassment and fear, and I said "my stomach, my breathing, and my face (was flushed)." I said, "you're not going to think I'm weird, are you?" She said "no". I said: "because it's your job, right?" She smiled.

So, I showed her and read my list of "bad words" and anatomy words, and talked about the pictures and other words I wrote down. Something from the past bothered me and I said "why can't I let this go?" (not abuse) so she said "why don't you?" and I said "okay", and put an X through that picture.

After I was done with the page, she asked how I felt. I wrote down "safe", "relieved", "calm", and told her I wasn't embarrassed anymore. I could look at her and feel normal. It was good. I felt a lot better. Before we started, I said I felt like I had to "throw up" but not physically. I had to get this "bad stuff" out and I think I did. Later, at home I wondered if I'm going through a stage of development I missed, a teenage stage. Could be!

The session was also weird because I brought in some of my artwork that I framed and set up an art show on the couch! She loved it but of course asked how I felt, so I said I was proud of my work! I stood next to her since the couch had my paintings on it, and said "I wouldn't have been able to get back into painting without you" and hugged her, right then and there. I also hugged her after the session.

It was about ME again, but I feel closer to my T. I also read her something about why I don't want to ever quit therapy, and why the relationship feels so GOOD to me. I said it wasn't exactly my pattern but more "normal" reasons, and she agreed. She also believes that I can give those feelings to myself, though I said "it's not the same". I think this was an important, productive session in many ways.

[adel34]

Hi Rainbow,
Sounds like another productive and good session!
I think you guys are on the right path with the drawing and writing thing. It seems like it's working for you really well.
I'm also glad you could show your t your paintings!
Thinking of you.

[CantExplain]

Excellent news!

((Rainbow8))

[Sannah]

Good work Rainbow!

Excellent rainbow

[SallyBrown]

This is pretty cool, Rainbow. Especially this:

It was about ME again, but I feel closer to my T.

That's therapy at its best. I hope things continue to feel this way for you.