Contemplating Therapy

I really like my therapist, he is very skilled and compassionate in session. I have called him twice, and he has called me back.

Calling him, though, isn't recommended, it is a last resort kind of thing.

I'm fine with that. Until I start feeling vulnerable/distrustful or I start feeling that he is the only one in the world who can relieve my stress.

I get it, I understand. I have to be responsible for myself. I have to find people outside of therapy.

I HATE myself, and I HATE the part of me that becomes attached. I despise it, it has caused me nothing but pain. I didn't ask for it, and I don't want it. I have tried acceptance, tried taking care of myself, and in the end I end up failing and getting angry as hell. I am so angry at all of this. I totally depleted my last therapist, and I am now desperately trying to push down any anger, feeling like I want to have another session, feeling like I want some kind of contact. I don't want to feel this way. Who would?

Others are talking about losing faith in their therapists, I am starting to lose faith in myself. Seing a therapist is pain. I am losing faith in the possibility that I might get better. I can't see it. I regret that this is the person I have been. So many regrets.

Is therapy worth the pain? I guess for some it gets better, but I don't think it will for me. I am tired of being in pain, which only begets pain. There is no answer to my problem that I can fathom. Hopelessness is rushing in. . .

Anti
Please don't ever doubt yourself or have regrets. You are a person who has feelings, needs and becomes attached to people. This is a lovely quality- I mean that you have so many feelings. You are always there to comfort everyone else and I for one am grateful to know you.
I get what you are saying but I have known lots of people who don't have any feelings and I know feelings can be a pain in the butt but they are there for a reason to let others know you care and to tell you to take care of yourself. Sometimes I wish I didn't have any feelings and that I had never started therapy because I was terminated by t1 after 1.5 years and it hurt like hell but I learned lots about myself through the process.
I really hope you can try and trust this t because he sounds like a genuinely great t.

((((Button))))))
Thanks, I think so much of you I don't know if it is a matter of trusting this therapist, as much as it is a matter of wondering if this whole week of pain is going to be the normal. Is this the goal in therapy, for people to be in and tolerate in between session pain? It is depleting my soul. This is for the birds.

I know therapy is suppopsed to be hard but painful I dont know Anti. I imagine it is painful reliving events from our past but the pain that we have is different.
Its a pain that we shouldn't have maybe. A pain from abondenment and fear of it. I am terrified of becoming attached, yet it happens everytime.

It is okay to feel this way AMatter (it might not feel good). Are you thinking that you can't have issues? Are you thinking that you are going to ruin this relationship with your T because of what happened with your last T?

I am afraid that it isnt okay to feel this way, so I am trying not to do so. I am thinking that it is not okay to allow T to help me feel relief. Because.then I am depending on him to ease my pain, and I am afraid to give him that much power over me. Too late, it isnt a conscious choice. I am afraid to call him instead of dealing with it myself because what if.he is.too busy? What if he cant.fit me in? Then I will be dealing with my original pain and dealing with him leaving me with all of.this. Or finding how insidious I really am and terminating me. I am miserable, why isnt this going away?
You would think I would be desensitized to this by now.

Anti it sounds like you're reliving past stuff here - the whole thing of not feeling like you deserve relief from T, like you can't be dependent but at the same time feel you are, the fear of rejection and abandonment and the fear of all those crappy awful feelings like impotent rage and frustration and endless unmet needs apparently thrown back in your face, the shame of being seen for who you really are...

And that's describing ME! Lol, no, it's what I've read in your last post but you could be describing me all the same. And the way I read it, it's not just about T, it's about everything that's gone before. If you could hold onto the fact that this IS about past stuff and that if you keep plugging away and dealing with all this negative stuff coming up and keep reaching out and talking to T about it, that's the therapy and the healing will happen. At least that's what I think

Just got to hang in there and tell yourself this is all part of the process. Hugs to you Anti

xxx

Well, you do feel this way and because you are in therapy, you are going to have issues. Fighting where we are and how we are feeling makes the work twice as hard.

AMatter, you are okay right where you are. I know it is hard but it is okay to have issues.

Your T is a good T and he will work with you through this. I understand how the issues with the last T are making you worry. This sounds pretty normal. We are influenced by what has happened to us.

I would like to thank everyone who has helped me over this past week. My replies to others' posts have been tainted by my mood, my apologies. I am thankful for this place and the all of the people here.

It has been a difficult week, no doubt. I hadn't considered that I was reliving something from the past, at least not in full awareness. I keep thinking that I am just this needy loser in the here and now and I haven't been able to change it, and when I suppress it, it comes back with a vengeance or it threatens to tear me apart. Thinking in terms of this is past stuff has helped quell some of my distress. Thanks for that, Torn.

So true, Sannah. I have been preaching about acceptance, and I had difficulty practicing it this week. Thanks for reminding me

Button, Thank you so much! I am also grateful to know you. Thanks for your help during my dark despair.

I see my T tomorrow and I need to remember what to tell him. I am looking forward to it, I need some relief. I won't see him the next week, because I am going on vacation, and even that has me stressed. At least I trudged forward this week, as reluctant as I was to do it. Not sure that I want to do it again, though.

What is it about therapists that they can relieve our stress whereas no one else can (with some people)? It's a very powerful position. I'm really curious. Hugs to all.

Therapists really listen and they are trained to understand what is going on and what to do about it.

Good luck with your appt. tomorrow.