[Leah123]

I mentioned in a thread recently that my therapist was tired from attending a funeral and traveling when I explained the conclusion to a rupture we'd had, just as part of the explanation of all the misfires that happened between us.

I've also mentioned a few other things that she has shared with me when posters here have asked things like "can my therapist really relate" or "what's the greatest thing your therapist has ever said," because I thought sharing the things that she shared with me would be helpful and affirming.

It occurs to me to wonder if I'm sharing too much, like being indiscreet with things she's told me. She says she hasn't disclosed so much with past clients but some of the parallels in our process have made that type of sharing so helpful and I really appreciate it. It helps me feel so much more comfortable too, just to normalize our relationship and feel like she's a real person instead of a cold scientist messing with my mind. (Been there, done that.)

Now, of course, I use a pseudonym here and I have never mentioned any identifying details about her here, so.... it's anonymous I guess, but... I wondered if she'd be bothered to read the things I've written that mention her life. I really don't do it except when it directly relates to my issues, but... I'm just not sure.

I bet some of you will tell me to ask her, the thought just occurred to me, but I'd appreciate some feedback here for now.

[Favorite Jeans]

You don't have the obligation to your therapist that she has to you. She cannot ethically ask you to keep any confidences for her. If she has shared more with you than with other clients it is (I hope) because she thought it would be productive and helpful to your therapy. So apart from the fact that you are pretty anonymous here and it would be exceedingly hard to trace any bit of information back to either of you, anything she has told you is by definition not a confidence. Whereas everything you have told her is.

[FeelingOpaque]

Like you said, you could ask her, but it's not really necessary. You just have to think about how you would feel if something of a similar nature was shared by her to an anonymous forum. If you think you'd feel bad, maybe you should stop, but it's up to you ultimately to decide how to divulge information that she has shared with you.

[archipelago]

I agree completely. I would only add that this is a mental health site for support so you are doing things to help yourself so you are not "betraying" which implies malicious intent. I wouldn't necessarily tell your therapist you have posted about her. That might raise more issues than need to have to be there. It sounds like there is enough going on already. I don't mention that I talk about my shrink to him. I think he would wonder what I was saying and possibly feel self-conscious or uncomfortable. Possibly not, but I would prefer to spend the valuable time working with him rather than referencing what I write outside of session.

[sweepy62]

I totally agree, I have share stuff here that my t tells me, and some stuff I keep to myself, regardless it makes me feel good to share, and that is a positive reaction, its one of our goals in therapy.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

You don't have the obligation to your therapist that she has to you. She cannot ethically ask you to keep any confidences for her. If she has shared more with you than with other clients it is (I hope) because she thought it would be productive and helpful to your therapy. So apart from the fact that you are pretty anonymous here and it would be exceedingly hard to trace any bit of information back to either of you, anything she has told you is by definition not a confidence. Whereas everything you have told her is.

I just wanted to mention, she has never asked me to keep any confidences, and she definitely doesn't burden me with confidences or anything, I just felt a little uncomfortable realizing I'd shared something personal to her, but true, it was definitely not with malicious intent, and it is anonymous.

I *think* because she's typically very.... comfortable with her life, she leads an examined life, that she would not tell me things that she couldn't stand for me to share, so that's one good thought, but they are personal things, just like I have things I wouldn't share with a random stranger but only within a deeper relationship.

I just don't want to seem.... indiscreet, careless, or disrespectful regarding what she's told me, the serious things, the hard parts, I guess, something to think about, though I certainly have never done it with bad intentions.

P.S. I do have a full-fledged, but usually dormant, Catholic girl guilt complex, so not sure if that's part of it.

[FeelingOpaque]

I don't think it's fair to assume that all because you're not legally obligated to not talk that you should have no pin ups about sharing things that may or may not be personal. I mean, friends are not bound to keep confidences, but you trust they would, no? Not accusing you of anything by any means, just pointing out a discrepancy in the line of thought of T's obligated not to share, but you have no such obligation, that's not fair in all honesty. However, this forum is anonymous, so nothing that is said here will ever really reach her or anybody she knows, so it's all up to how you feel about it and how she may feel about it. If she's pretty open about these things, then I doubt she'd care too much.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by FeelingOpaque

I don't think it's fair to assume that all because you're not legally obligated to not talk that you should have no pin ups about sharing things that may or may not be personal. I mean, friends are not bound to keep confidences, but you trust they would, no? Not accusing you of anything by any means, just pointing out a discrepancy in the line of thought of T's obligated not to share, but you have no such obligation, that's not fair in all honesty. However, this forum is anonymous, so nothing that is said here will ever really reach her or anybody she knows, so it's all up to how you feel about it and how she may feel about it. If she's pretty open about these things, then I doubt she'd care too much.

I see your point and the previous poster's point. I believe the middle ground is that while I should not feel like I have to keep secrets, because that would be harmful, I also should certainly not treat her as less than a person deserving of the same respect with which I would treat anyone else when it came to disclosures. I mean, I certainly don't gossip about things she's shared or vent without a purpose, or discuss therapy with a malicious intent, but... I'm trying to figure out the grey area for me.

The trouble, I think, is my rule of thumb in life is it's best to keep relationship issues within the relationship, to work them out directly with the person, but.... I don't always do that. I try to, and sometimes, though, I really really want a second opinion and other times, I think something she's shared with me is so profound I want to pass it on.

Like the funeral thing, I mentioned that while getting support about a bad interaction we'd had, and mentioned it at the end to explain better. I probably didn't need to mention that part, in retrospect, just trying to think this all through.

Added: On reflection, I guess it might seem more appropriate if I were just sharing my issue (including the relevant things she shared with me) with one person, one confidant, but the thing is, well, I do not have a confident to get a second opinion or support about this type of thing, so the forum serves that role for me right now, and I guess that makes me feel a bit better about it, knowing I'm just using the resources I have. I think I have room to be a bit more general though when I share, like I didn't need to mention the funeral, only I didn't think about that at the time because I was focused on the bigger issue. As for the good things she shared with me, like that she had been in a long term re-parenting therapeutic relationship, well, I just found that to be such a positive, reassuring, affirming disclosure that I thought it would be helpful when I shared it on the board here a while back in answer to a relevant thread, and... I'm *hoping* if she knew that me sharing her general experience anonymously would help others, I wonder if maybe she wouldn't mind too much, but I have to think about it more, maybe, and see if you all have thoughts.

[Perna]

We are all not so special so much as individual. Telling us here that your therapist has X, Y, or Z illness or is getting a divorce or lives in a big house, drives a certain kind of car, etc. is not earth shattering enough to make me think you have betrayed your therapist's confidence, especially as you have probably told us in relation to how something disclosed has made you feel?

There are two sides to each story, as we have all know, and we cannot really tell another person's story any more than we can know what they are thinking or feeling without asking them. What I disclose to you, you telling Susie over there is not the same as Me telling Susie over there. My disclosure cannot be disclosed by you.

What is disclosed, that I went to the bathroom in my pants in second grade and the teacher "sniffed" me out and sent me home, is not the same as the person doing the disclosing. Yes, that happened to me and I was embarrassed, but I am not that experience or that embarrassment and that event is not the only one in my life (just a drop in the ocean of Me :-)

That it bothers you now that you may have disclosed too much is bothering you and is your "problem". What are you going to do about it for yourself? Maybe you feel you might like to disclose less about others (rarely a bad idea) and substitute something like "my T disclosed something about herself to me which made me feel _______" or maybe you decide that lots of people come from broken homes or get divorced or were abused as children or have spent time in jail and that, since we do not really know one another in person, it is not much different from reading an interactive book with circumstances similar to ours and it can be helpful to some other people perhaps and may be worth it to me to tell?