[Nightlight]

I'd really like to hear about other people's experiences with contact after the end of the therapy relationship (though I know it's been discussed a few times before). Were the rules around this clear when you left your therapist? If contact is okay, how much is okay? Do you keep things at a really surface level, "hello, how are you, I'm well"? Do you know what your current therapist would allow after the end? I know there are also people who would be more comfortable knowing the end is the end. I really didn't think I'd ever want to reach out in this way after the end, but it turns out that I do.

I'm thinking of getting getting in touch with a former therapist of mine. I saw her for just over two years and my final appointment with her was a year ago. She did say it was okay for people to get in touch with her, but the end happened relatively quickly and I was very distressed at the time so I didn't ask anything further about what exactly would be okay. I also thought the end, the goodbye, and her not being out there for me anymore would be painful enough that I'd never reach out again, regardless.

So, one year later, I've written an email, though I'm not sure I'll send it. I'm not a quick reader and it takes me about one minute to read through. I'm not sure what's appropriate and worry it's still too much. I'm not expecting a reply and I think quite possibly I won't get one. I still mentioned some less than positive things in my life (though in no great details, just in a things have been hard with A and B and I miss your support sort of way). I mentioned a couple of positive things and also the time I saw her but she didn't see me, so I was unable to say hello. I've always avoided the risk of reaching out for help with my current T, and the times I have risked it, it often hasn't gone so well. I don't want to be "intrusive" with another therapist, like I apparently have with my current T.

I also think perhaps part of me wishes I could see this former therapist once more, particularly at the moment, while my T is away, and while I'm having such huge problems with my current T. Even if that was possible, I really don't have the money for it. Right now I'm putting most of my money into my appointments with my current T (though I get a slightly reduced rate). So even though I think part of me wishes I could see this other therapist again, it's not going to happen (I was also never as attached to her as I am with my current T). I'm quite prepared not to hear anything back, but if anyone has any advice about whether this is a stupid plan all round, I'd really appreciate it. I think quite possibly I've just written the email for myself. So I'd say there's a good chance I won't send it. So, getting in contact in this way at this time = big mistake? Should I leave it until the day I can genuinely say "hi, hope your well, and I miss your support" and leave it at that? And I'm also interested to hear how everyone else approaches this. Your boundaries, your therapist's boundaries, and all that sort of stuff, if you want to share.

[beadlady29]

It has been beads expereince that once u leave a T their is not supposed to be any further communictoin with them again, ever.
that said, one tiem we did have a T that stopped by our facebook page long enuf to say hullo hope ur doing well, and that was it......aint heared a word from him sinced.
hope this helps, even if it not what u want to hear,
warm regards and good luck to u,
all of us beadies

[carsan60612]

One of my former T's moved away and it was a really difficult process for me; she was amazing and helped me so much. She gave me her new work email and said it was ok to keep in touch. I used to send her updates every month or so, but as time has passed, it's been longer in between contact. (She moved in 2010 and the last email I sent was 4 months ago.)

The first email I sent was looong. I needed to get everything out. I didn't get much of a response back - at least, not what I wanted - but I know what to expect now. She thanks me for the updates, wishes me well, stays professional, but it's nice to know she got my message.

[feralkittymom]

I understand what a rough time you've had for quite a while. It concerns me that your level of attachment to your current T is so strong despite such a long series of serious unresolved ruptures.

I also think perhaps part of me wishes I could see this former therapist once more, particularly at the moment, while my T is away, and while I'm having such huge problems with my current T.

I think your words give you your answer. You're not contacting her out of friendship with her or affection for her, but rather out of your current need. It's not a good basis for a relationship. If you want to explore therapy with her again, that's fine, but be direct about it. What you seem to be doing is trying to garner sympathy and support, without being clear about your intentions.

[Nightlight]

Thanks FKM. That really helps. I feel quite certain that this isn't the right time and the right way to go about it. I would like to contact her in the future I think, when I can be direct and honest, even if that's just to say thanks, rather than please help me again.

There's certainly been a lot to cope with in terms of my current therapy relationship. I'll always be attached to my current therapist though. She's done more for me than parents, or anyone else. I hope she comes through for me, and in the past she did so much right, did everything she could. Funny that things came apart so drastically and suddenly really. I still feel quite confused and conflicted about it all.

I think I do feel the need for someone objective to hear the full story. I think I wanted that to be someone who knows me (and my relationship with my current therapist). Though I really hadn't included any details about all of this stuff in the email that I'm not going to send. And realistically, I didn't imagine I'd receive a reply either.

[critterlady]

When my first T moved away, we didn't have a conversation about contact. He did tell me where he was going to be working, so he didn't keep it a big secret or anything.

When he left, we had been working on how I could cope with my mother's impending death. A few weeks after she passed, I looked him up at his new place and sent him an email to let him know and thank him again for his help and referral to my current t. We had a brief exchange at that time, but I haven't contacted him since. I don't think I will again.

When I wrote him, I was very worried about having crossed a boundary. I talked to my current t about it and he said that the boundaries are the T's problem, not mine. If I'd crossed it, it was up to the t to let me know.

So, I think if you feel you need to contact your former T, go ahead. Tell her what it is you want. You do need to be prepared for her to decline your request, though. But it won't hurt to ask.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Nightlight

I think I do feel the need for someone objective to hear the full story. I think I wanted that to be someone who knows me (and my relationship with my current therapist). Though I really hadn't included any details about all of this stuff in the email that I'm not going to send. And realistically, I didn't imagine I'd receive a reply either.

I think that's a completely legitimate reason for having a session with your former therapist. I don't think it's an issue that lends itself well to discussion via email (even if she were willing), but if you wanted to, writing this in an email asking for a session would be fine. She might say no, but you're really not any worse off then if you don't ask, as you definitely won't get it if you don't ask.

[Nightlight]

Thanks so much for the input everyone. I think I did just have the sudden desire to be heard by the one other person who knows me and knows about my current T and the good aspects of our relationship too (rather than trying to open up to a complete stranger, who doesn't know me and doesn't know how incredible my current T has been in the past). I've talked about all the bad stuff that's happened here, but a stranger wouldn't get the full picture if I just launched into the bad stuff and I don't want that. But there has been so much bad stuff, that I wish someone from the outside could hear about how wrong things suddenly went, and how some of T's words and comments have really deeply hurt me.

I really don't think I can afford help from this former T anyway and I don't like my chances of her having space in the next couple of weeks, even if it was possible. So it's probably not really fair for me to email, when what I really want is to be helped and heard and understood, because I wasn't asking for that or saying that in the email. I guess I was just reaching out in a small way and expecting not to hear anything back, because that was my only option. I suppose at the very least, if things really keep going badly with my current T, I know that I'd like to be heard by someone else.

I think last night it suddenly felt a bit like I needed help right now, except there's no one I can talk to about everything, so I'm a bit stuck. Anyway, input on my situation and also hearing about what other people do and don't do has really helped. So thanks everyone.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I do think it is sound that you are concerned about your therapeutical relationship. Unfortunately, sometimes ruptures feel like, and cause the therapist to pull away, thus intensifying clinging behaviors which serve to preserve the attachment, no matter what. I do hope that you see someone else and talk about this. You might find that another therapist who has different training may be helpful to you. You have really struggled along. I hope you find the peace that you so deserve.

[Nightlight]

Thanks Antimatter! I feel a bit like T is too much on the inside of all of this with me. Talking about it makes her feel frustrated, angry, pushed away and so on. It's like I risk damaging the relationship further by talking about it. She's frustrated that I've always rejected her caring (really I just have trouble holding onto it) and I think she feels that she was pushed to say things that she didn't mean. Some things she did mean and she doesn't seem to fully understand why they would hurt me as much as they have.

T thinks I'm using what happened between us to grieve the fact that she doesn't care about me as much as I'd like, and she thinks that's a waste of time because she doesn't think I take into account the way she does care. Whereas I think I do, I just have trouble holding onto it, and I think I do have a lot to grieve about after the things she said and how clear she made it that...I'm intrusive outside of my 50 minutes (even if all I do is think I want more without even asking for anything). I know the relationship is professional, I'm very aware of the boundaries...but it still hurt me to be so forgotten, and ignored, and all of the other stuff that's happened.

All the comments about not thinking about me on a lifeboat if we were together and a wave hit, being compared to my mother, other clients, it's really stuck with me. T sort of laughed when I told her I'd think of her on that lifeboat and she said "you'd like to think you would". I don't know, I think she's just not getting quite how tough this has been on me, even though she can see that I'm really struggling. I'm not even sure if she realises that I felt bullied into recording one of my sessions after I made it clear that it wasn't something I wanted to do. I accept the truth in what she's said...but it still hurts. It hurts that I feel unable to trust the stability of the relationship all while I'm supposed to be working through attachment issues.

Anyway, that was just another big long boring rant about it all. T's been much more patient and helpful for the last three sessions and particularly the last one. She seemed to really hear about what had gone wrong previously and she fixed some of those things. Still, it's hard to trust right now. And everything was so amazing and good and helpful and consistent for almost 4 years. I don't understand how it suddenly changed so much.

[Brightheart]

I write to mine once or twice a year and give him an update on my progress. His response is generally brief and supportive. It's comforting to know that he cares.