[photostotake]

Still processing my therapy appt yesterday. My T told me that I'm scaring the he11 out of him with my ED. After much urging, he had me sign a form that gives him the right to contact my husband in the event he feels he needs to put me in the hospital involuntarily. He said that if I'm going to be one of the 10% to die from my ED, he's going to do everything he can to take care of me before that happens. I can't maintain my weight and have lost weight again since last week. He really hopes & thinks he doesn't need to use it, but he's very concerned about both my ED health status and my mental status. I'm thankful we told my DH about my ED together last week. I can't imagine him possibly getting a call from my T that he's suddenly putting me in the hospital for malnutrition.

He's agreed to meet with me for 2 sessions a week for a bit. He doesn't like to usually do that unless a patient is in crisis, but that I clearly am right now. I've been checking his schedule online nonstop since leaving yesterday hoping for a cancellation, but I've been unable to find one. Otherwise, I'll be in again next Monday. Really hoping I get in again before that though!

I certainly don't mean to scare my T and now I feel guilty about that too. Just can't turn my way of thinking around when it comes to eating. The guilt is never ending, I'm terrified of gaining weight and I just can't explain why.

Sorry, didn't mean to ramble. Just needed to get this out I guess.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by photostotake

Just can't turn my way of thinking around when it comes to eating. The guilt is never ending, I'm terrified of gaining weight and I just can't explain why.

I hope that you will be able to explore this with your T and figure it out. It obviously serves an emotional purpose for you. Does it help you deal with emotional pain or does it give you a sense of control? (And you don't need to answer this here. This question is just for you).

[photostotake]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I hope that you will be able to explore this with your T and figure it out. It obviously serves an emotional purpose for you. Does it help you deal with emotional pain or does it give you a sense of control? (And you don't need to answer this here. This question is just for you).

Thanks for the reply Sannah. I can answer this. It's honestly both. My reaction to stressful times and needing to feel in control is to restrict my eating and/or purge. It's been going on this way for over 20+ years now. It wasn't until this past December in therapy, that it became apparent that I actually have an ED. I was always able to get it back under control myself. I feel so embarrassed that I let it get so out of control this time. Technically, I have EDNOS, as I am not underweight enough for anorexia, but I am already in the underweight category. I am still trying to come to terms with the diagnosis myself, but I do accept it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by photostotake

My reaction to stressful times and needing to feel in control is to restrict my eating and/or purge.

Your emotions and need for control is definitely something that you can work on in therapy so that you won't need the coping mechanism of restricting your eating.

Originally Posted by photostotake

I was always able to get it back under control myself. I feel so embarrassed that I let it get so out of control this time.

Control, the key work here. Does this describe your family while growing up? (And again, you don't need to answer this here).

[precious things]

Originally Posted by photostotake

Thanks for the reply Sannah. I can answer this. It's honestly both. My reaction to stressful times and needing to feel in control is to restrict my eating and/or purge. It's been going on this way for over 20+ years now. It wasn't until this past December in therapy, that it became apparent that I actually have an ED. I was always able to get it back under control myself. I feel so embarrassed that I let it get so out of control this time. Technically, I have EDNOS, as I am not underweight enough for anorexia, but I am already in the underweight category. I am still trying to come to terms with the diagnosis myself, but I do accept it.

I am sorry you are struggling and oh boy, I could have written every word of your last post and applied it to myself. I have been where you are and back and back again.....I know just how stuck and trapped you feel. Its like if you could hold on to the soothing, calming aspects of the disorder without having it affect you mentally and physically it wouldn't be so bad, right? Well, if you've been up and down with this for 20 years you know how it plays out. I just want to offer you lots of support and urge you to try and work through this difficult period with your T as an outpatient---going in against your will is not how you want to enter treatment, is it? If you can, at least try and show good faith to the T by not actively losing this week. The thing about ED's is that when they really spiral, it makes therapy really hard to process until you are better nourished. Remember, stabilizing yourself is a sign of tremendous emotional strength and courage. If you trust in your T and your ability to work with them, don't let it slip away by giving into all the ED urges. If you ever want to talk, PM.

[DelusionsDaily]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I have to say that if my T told me I was scaring him I would find a new T. to me that's my T putting his problems on me and i'm not there for that. He/She needs to find another professional associate to talk to about that kind of thing.

I would freak out myself if my therapist told me that. I don't think I could handle that.

Even when my BMI was 15 my therapist kept calm and cool about it and helped me look for a hospital with my consent.

[photostotake]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Your emotions and need for control is definitely something that you can work on in therapy so that you won't need the coping mechanism of restricting your eating.

Control, the key work here. Does this describe your family while growing up? (And again, you don't need to answer this here).

Thanks again for your input Sannah, I appreciate it.

Originally Posted by precious things

I am sorry you are struggling and oh boy, I could have written every word of your last post and applied it to myself. I have been where you are and back and back again.....I know just how stuck and trapped you feel. Its like if you could hold on to the soothing, calming aspects of the disorder without having it affect you mentally and physically it wouldn't be so bad, right? Well, if you've been up and down with this for 20 years you know how it plays out. I just want to offer you lots of support and urge you to try and work through this difficult period with your T as an outpatient---going in against your will is not how you want to enter treatment, is it? If you can, at least try and show good faith to the T by not actively losing this week. The thing about ED's is that when they really spiral, it makes therapy really hard to process until you are better nourished. Remember, stabilizing yourself is a sign of tremendous emotional strength and courage. If you trust in your T and your ability to work with them, don't let it slip away by giving into all the ED urges. If you ever want to talk, PM.

Of course, I don't want to go to the hospital at all. It terrifies me! I'm having some physical symptoms right now, so I've been eating a bit more already today to hopefully turn them around. Smarter thing would be to call my Dr, but if they aren't better tomorrow, I'll call for sure. I'm so sorry you've been through this too. You sound so strong now. I may PM you for support or questions. Thank you so much for your guidance and support.

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I have to say that if my T told me I was scaring him I would find a new T. to me that's my T putting his problems on me and i'm not there for that. He/She needs to find another professional associate to talk to about that kind of thing.

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

I would freak out myself if my therapist told me that. I don't think I could handle that.

Even when my BMI was 15 my therapist kept calm and cool about it and helped me look for a hospital with my consent.

My T was very calm and collected. It showed me that he really does care. It also proved to me the seriousness of what's happening with my ED. That's what freaked me out. He's just never said anything like that.

[precious things]

I am two sessions in with a new T who specializes in eating disorders and both times he has repeatedly told me that I am on my way to an early death and this will kill me. It is surreal and hard to process when someone tells you that. I also wanted to add that you mentioned you were diagnosed with ED-NOS, as if somehow that wasn't as severe as anorexia. My "new " diagnoses is bulimia, last summer ED-nos, and many years prior, anorexia nervosa- and there really isn't a darn bit of difference between them in terms of physical and emotional suffering. It's funny how people with a depression diagnoses never split hairs of what type of depression they suffer from, but somehow in our warped eating disorder brain we attach our level of severity to our diagnoses (don't know if I'm explaining this well but you hopefully understand). If we end up dying from our diseases, no one will give a darn what the diagnoses was, and the outcome is final.

What's important is that you and your T know you are suffering and I commend him for not letting you spiral to a very, very, bad place. I've practically dehydrated and passed out in a former T's office who thought maybe I should try and go home and drink some water ( what a help, doc!). I'm scared for me too but it helps to know that there are many others bravely going through this journey as well. Baby steps

By calm and cool I meant he didn't say things like I was scaring the hell out of him or I might be one of the 10 percent who dies. Those things would freak me out and I probably wouldn't go back.

It is good that he is showing you his concern. Are you ok with the way he's doing it?

I think I understand now what you mean about him saying it in a calm and collected way. I am concerned for you and your health and hope all this works out. Have you thought about just hospitalizing yourself now so things might not get worse?

Im sorry youre going through a hard time.
I remember really well the time my old t had that conversation with me. It was very hard to hear. She was scared "to death" that i would die any day from my anorexia. And i had been sick for 20 years. I felt hopeless. She wanted me in the hospital. I knew i would never get better, so i knew there was no point in even trying. I had been at deaths door a few times. I was terrified of going to the hospital.

Etc.
Well i just want to encourage you. Here i am today, about 7 years after that conversation, and i am happy, extremely healthy, and am totally recovered from my eating disorder stuff. If i can recover, absolutely anyone can. I was completely lost in anorexia and hopeless. I did get hospitalized twice, very very short time though.a couple of weeks for medical stailization. It was scary but i did it. But most of the work i did on my own. I got tired of being sick.
Anyway, listen to your t. Even if its hard. You can get through this.

[photostotake]

Originally Posted by precious things

I am two sessions in with a new T who specializes in eating disorders and both times he has repeatedly told me that I am on my way to an early death and this will kill me. It is surreal and hard to process when someone tells you that. I also wanted to add that you mentioned you were diagnosed with ED-NOS, as if somehow that wasn't as severe as anorexia. My "new " diagnoses is bulimia, last summer ED-nos, and many years prior, anorexia nervosa- and there really isn't a darn bit of difference between them in terms of physical and emotional suffering. It's funny how people with a depression diagnoses never split hairs of what type of depression they suffer from, but somehow in our warped eating disorder brain we attach our level of severity to our diagnoses (don't know if I'm explaining this well but you hopefully understand). If we end up dying from our diseases, no one will give a darn what the diagnoses was, and the outcome is final.

What's important is that you and your T know you are suffering and I commend him for not letting you spiral to a very, very, bad place. I've practically dehydrated and passed out in a former T's office who thought maybe I should try and go home and drink some water ( what a help, doc!). I'm scared for me too but it helps to know that there are many others bravely going through this journey as well. Baby steps

Thanks. I do know that EDNOS is serious and nothing to be minimized in any way. I also have depression and anxiety as well, doesn't matter what type, it's there and I deal with it the best that I can. Unfortunately, just not very well right now. This is all very new to me and to our therapy sessions, but I'll get there with the right support in place. Baby steps is right.

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

By calm and cool I meant he didn't say things like I was scaring the hell out of him or I might be one of the 10 percent who dies. Those things would freak me out and I probably wouldn't go back.

I really do understand how you feel about this. Coming from anyone else and I wouldn't go back either. But I do trust him.

[photostotake]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

It is good that he is showing you his concern. Are you ok with the way he's doing it?

I think I understand now what you mean about him saying it in a calm and collected way. I am concerned for you and your health and hope all this works out. Have you thought about just hospitalizing yourself now so things might not get worse?

Thanks for your response and concern. Although he shocked me by saying what he did, I think it needed to be said. I'm glad he did, it showed me just how serious things really are. I know I'm not thinking real straight now. My greatest fear is hospitalization. Actually, that's where a lot of my anxiety is coming from. I'll do whatever I can to stay out.

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

Im sorry youre going through a hard time.
I remember really well the time my old t had that conversation with me. It was very hard to hear. She was scared "to death" that i would die any day from my anorexia. And i had been sick for 20 years. I felt hopeless. She wanted me in the hospital. I knew i would never get better, so i knew there was no point in even trying. I had been at deaths door a few times. I was terrified of going to the hospital.

Etc.
Well i just want to encourage you. Here i am today, about 7 years after that conversation, and i am happy, extremely healthy, and am totally recovered from my eating disorder stuff. If i can recover, absolutely anyone can. I was completely lost in anorexia and hopeless. I did get hospitalized twice, very very short time though.a couple of weeks for medical stailization. It was scary but i did it. But most of the work i did on my own. I got tired of being sick.
Anyway, listen to your t. Even if its hard. You can get through this.

Thanks Starry. You're story of recovery is very encouraging to read. As soon as I can get these ED voices to be quiet, I'll start to listening to my T and everyone around me. Just don't know how yet. Between the guilt of eating and the fear of gaining weight where my T would like me to be, it's just too much right now, but we're working on it. I promise. Thanks again for your kind words.

[photostotake]

Just got in under a cancellation appt with my T tomorrow. He feels I'm in crisis mode right now and and has agreed to 2 sessions this week. I'll talk to him about the physical health concerns going on and he can call the Dr (who's right down the hall) if we think it's necessary. Very likely he will, if I know him. Crossing my fingers, I'll feel fine in the morning. I really did make a good effort and increased both my food and fluid intake today. I'll update after my appt tomorrow. Thanks again for your thoughts and concerns to my posts. I really do appreciate it.

[pbutton]

I am glad to hear that you got in with T..

[photostotake]

Just got home from 2 separate appts. One with my T and one with my Dr. The good news, I guess, is that my physical stuff is not related to my eating issues. I either have a severe muscle strain in my calf, but because there was no injury to cause it, she's sending me in for an ultrasound to rule out either a blood clot or a collection of fluid. I'll have the u/s tomorrow morning immediately after my appt for a small surgical procedure that was previously scheduled. One thing that wasn't good- I lost another 4+ lbs since the last time I was weighed 2wks ago. Not good.

As far as my T appt before that, it went okay. It was productive. He is the one who got me into the Dr appt in the first place. He was concerned it had to do with malnutrition issues, so he wanted me looked at before leaving. I have issues with not being believed by Drs, so if he hadn't set it up, I know that I wouldn't have done it myself.

We talked in depth about me needing to get into an eating disorders clinic. At least get the assessment done so we know what we're dealing with. He won't push me to do it until I am ready, but that I need to consider doing it soon. He said at this point I may start losing weight rapidly and we may be looking at inpatient rather than outpatient options. I am comforted by the fact that he said he'd be by my side every step of the way through this, but the idea of going somewhere else for treatment (or treatment of any kind) still terrifies me. I'd give anything for him to be an expert in the field of EDs.

We're also working on the fact that my mom is coming into town tomorrow and will stay with us for most of the next 12 days. She is a huge trigger for me. She doesn't know about my ED and at this point, he doesn't believe it would be helpful for her to know. In fact, she may celebrate how much weight I've lost rather than be concerned about it. She's always been a dieter and talks about food, is eating or thinking about her food/weight nonstop. Mind you, she doesn't have a weight problem, but she thinks that she does.

Sorry for babbling again. I know I'm not thinking real clearly right now. I just need the ED voices to quiet down. I'd give anything for food and calories to not be so scary again. Heck, I'd give anything to just care enough to make a change that will stick and make this all go away. I just don't know how.

Thanks for reading the update.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you keep down ensure, boost, V8 or V8 splash? It's far easier to drink than eat at times. please PM me so I can support you.

[Sannah]

I'll support you here.

[AngelWolf3]

sending you warm thoughts and hugs, I can't say more right now, but thinking of you.

[photostotake]

Thanks for the hugs and concern everyone. My Dr wants me to try Boost shakes in addition to whatever I'm able to eat. I'll pick them up at the store tomorrow when I'm not on pain meds from today's surgery. Actually, they would be a good idea right now as it is quite painful to chew anything after having surgery along my ear/jaw. Maybe I should call my DH and have him pick some up on his way home instead.

I had my ultrasound today too. It's not a blood clot or a collection of fluid in my calf. It's being classified as a severe muscle strain. We still have no idea where it came from as there was no injury. They needed two techs as they said I had tiny veins and no fat and couldn't see things really well. My Dr. said that malnutrition could be playing a role in muscle loss and weakness in the strain too. That makes it all the more real too.

I did see my T in the hallway twice today while at the clinic. He's so comforting for me. I was quite anxious about both appts, so it was nice just to see his smiling face to help calm me down before each of my appts. Although, actually seeing him 3 times in one week (2 actual therapy appts), was a bit strange too. Just like I never even left the clinic this week. 5 appts in 4 days is too many. I am so ready for a break. Oh wait, I'll be back tomorrow for an appt for my son. Oh well.

Thanks again everyone.