I Called My Mother

Feb 17, 2013 at 07:36 AM

Hey everyone,

I have been doing a lot of psychological detective work regarding my past.
I actually broke down and called my mother.
It didn't go well.

I asked her about the public nudity abuses that she put me through. After an incredible amount of research into the mindset of the people in the era that I grew up in, I discovered it was something that she did to me because I was too sensitive.
She told me that my brothers we're already tough and she did this to me to toughen me up.
I told her I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 7 years old.
She literally told me to just put it behind me.
She never even apologized.

Unbelievable...

Feb 17, 2013 at 08:25 AM

I am sorry that she responded that way and didn't apologize. My mother is the same way, its like she feels no responsibility and unfortunately never will. The lack of apology wont stop you from healing, it will make you stronger

mixedup_emotions · Feb 17, 2013 at 09:35 AM

Wow, that was incredibly brave! Good for you for addressing this with your mother!!

I wish your mother would have responded with more empathy. It seems she may have become defensive which could be the way she responds to deflecting feelings of shame or other intolerable emotions.

The good thing here is that you spoke up for yourself. It's hard to feel dismissed, but I hope you're able to see that it's more about your mom than it is about you.

Feb 17, 2013 at 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Wow, that was incredibly brave! Good for you for addressing this with your mother!!

I wish your mother would have responded with more empathy. It seems she may have become defensive which could be the way she responds to deflecting feelings of shame or other intolerable emotions.

The good thing here is that you spoke up for yourself. It's hard to feel dismissed, but I hope you're able to see that it's more about your mom than it is about you.

I am starting to see that.

Feb 17, 2013 at 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I am sorry that she responded that way and didn't apologize. My mother is the same way, its like she feels no responsibility and unfortunately never will. The lack of apology wont stop you from healing, it will make you stronger

I wish I felt stronger. I do feel like I got down the core of some of my issues.

Feb 17, 2013 at 09:53 AM

Dear Live,

I know that my explaining that I, too, have a mother that that believes she has never done anything to hurt anyone, and has never offered an apology to me, in my life, does not lessen your pain. I hope that by knowing you are not alone, as is obvious by myself, and the others that have responded to your post, will ease, as a medicating balm, some of the sting. Proof positive that nurture is equally responsible to the disturbed mind, as is nature.

It probably doesn't help, Live, but I must impart to you, my true affections for you. I think you a wonderfully kind and compassionate man. Thank goodness for your sensitivity, for you have offered it to me at some very critical moments. There is nothing in this world that bears the weight of the humanity, like a sensitive man, and I, for one, would not mar your beauty by toughening an inch of the your personage.

I care deeply for your well-being, Live. Please do remember this.

As always, in awe, and with respect,

-Fleeing

Spring lilac · Feb 17, 2013 at 10:07 AM

Re: I called my mother...
I am proud of you. You are healing. She is not, does not feel a need to, and doesn't think you need to either. Sad. Hugs and warmth to you.

Anne2.0 · Feb 17, 2013 at 10:39 AM

Trigger warning for description of sexual abuse:

Quote:

Originally Posted by nothingtolivefor

She told me that my brothers we're already tough and she did this to me to toughen me up.

That's a horrible reason to do a horrible thing. It reminded me of what I read in the news this week from a Buddhist center in L.A., a revered teacher there who used sexual abuse of his female students as a way to deal with those who had "too much ego." This was somewhat well known within this community and nobody saw that it was a problem.

I am sorry that you had to go through this experience as a child, but I hope you found some peace and comfort in the confrontation. It's been around 20 years since I confronted my perpetrator and a witness to my abuse, and I got very similar responses. Sometimes you have to say what you have to say because you have to say it. And, really, these kinds of unapologetic responses are really the norm. If they had the capacity to be apologetic about it, they probably wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Be well.

unaluna · Feb 17, 2013 at 12:10 PM

I get that from my mother too - put it all in the past. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what happened, and she's telling me to forget about it? Just makes me wonder what she feels so guilty about.

Feb 17, 2013 at 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fleeingbellocq

Dear Live,

I know that my explaining that I, too, have a mother that that believes she has never done anything to hurt anyone, and has never offered an apology to me, in my life, does not lessen your pain. I hope that by knowing you are not alone, as is obvious by myself, and the others that have responded to your post, will ease, as a medicating balm, some of the sting. Proof positive that nurture is equally responsible to the disturbed mind, as is nature.

It probably doesn't help, Live, but I must impart to you, my true affections for you. I think you a wonderfully kind and compassionate man. Thank goodness for your sensitivity, for you have offered it to me at some very critical moments. There is nothing in this world that bears the weight of the humanity, like a sensitive man, and I, for one, would not mar your beauty by toughening an inch of the your personage.

I care deeply for your well-being, Live. Please do remember this.

As always, in awe, and with respect,

-Fleeing

Thank you so much Fleeing. I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me.
when I was on the phone with her last week I couldn't stop trembling. It is amazing how much power she still has over me. I know I'm not helpless but fear of love loss, even from an indifferent parent, can paralyze.
Your care is such an antedote for that poison.

Feb 17, 2013 at 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spring lilac

Re: I called my mother...
I am proud of you. You are healing. She is not, does not feel a need to, and doesn't think you need to either. Sad. Hugs and warmth to you.

Thank you so much Spring. I'm working on it.

Feb 17, 2013 at 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Trigger warning for description of sexual abuse:

That's a horrible reason to do a horrible thing. It reminded me of what I read in the news this week from a Buddhist center in L.A., a revered teacher there who used sexual abuse of his female students as a way to deal with those who had "too much ego." This was somewhat well known within this community and nobody saw that it was a problem.

I am sorry that you had to go through this experience as a child, but I hope you found some peace and comfort in the confrontation. It's been around 20 years since I confronted my perpetrator and a witness to my abuse, and I got very similar responses. Sometimes you have to say what you have to say because you have to say it. And, really, these kinds of unapologetic responses are really the norm. If they had the capacity to be apologetic about it, they probably wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Be well.

It is amazing the rationale behind the motivations. It's just a wierd alibi.

Feb 17, 2013 at 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

I get that from my mother too - put it all in the past. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what happened, and she's telling me to forget about it? Just makes me wonder what she feels so guilty about.

Any feeling of powerlessness or at least a loss of control will trigger memories and you can't just put it in the past because the past is as much a part of you as your shadow.
We all have shadows and wolves that stalk us but some shadows and wolves are vicious.

ShaggyChic_1201 · Feb 17, 2013 at 04:05 PM

Live, That was a terrifically brave thing you did, regardless of your mother's pathetic response. As others have said, this just indicates how SICK she is and how FAR you've come in getting well. Congrats, and please, consider changing your name to Something to Live For.
Bub

Feb 17, 2013 at 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

Live, That was a terrifically brave thing you did, regardless of your mother's pathetic response. As others have said, this just indicates how SICK she is and how FAR you've come in getting well. Congrats, and please, consider changing your name to Something to Live For.
Bub

Thank you so much.

CantExplain · Feb 17, 2013 at 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I am sorry that she responded that way and didn't apologize. My mother is the same way, its like she feels no responsibility and unfortunately never will. The lack of apology wont stop you from healing, it will make you stronger

A sincere apology freely given does have value.
I can't remember when I last saw one...

Feb 17, 2013 at 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

A sincere apology freely given does have value.
I can't remember when I last saw one...

Asking for forgiveness puts the power back in the hands of the one who can show mercy.
I think that's the biggest fear for most when it comes to apologizing.
In some sense I think that's why compassion is so carefully modeled in therapy.
The therapist, at least in some way, is working for the benefit of a healing for all the people involved.
They know confrontations are a reality. To help foster healing for the person in therapy...a preservation of base relationships means that offering the option for compassion facilitates that preservation.
Therefore, compassion is modeled.
I guess that's what it means to forgive.
To Give compassion be-Fore it is asked for.
Fore Give.

As with anything else it is easier said than done.

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anonymous112713 Guest Posts: n/a	Feb 17, 2013 at 08:25 AM #2 I am sorry that she responded that way and didn't apologize. My mother is the same way, its like she feels no responsibility and unfortunately never will. The lack of apology wont stop you from healing, it will make you stronger
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Spring lilac New Member Member Since Feb 2013 Posts: 1 11	Feb 17, 2013 at 10:07 AM #7 Re: I called my mother... I am proud of you. You are healing. She is not, does not feel a need to, and doesn't think you need to either. Sad. Hugs and warmth to you.
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,915 (SuperPoster!) 13 68.8k hugs given	Feb 17, 2013 at 12:10 PM #9 I get that from my mother too - put it all in the past. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what happened, and she's telling me to forget about it? Just makes me wonder what she feels so guilty about.
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ShaggyChic_1201 Grand Member Member Since Mar 2011 Location: USA Posts: 770 13 1,187 hugs given	Feb 17, 2013 at 04:05 PM #14 Live, That was a terrifically brave thing you did, regardless of your mother's pathetic response. As others have said, this just indicates how SICK she is and how FAR you've come in getting well. Congrats, and please, consider changing your name to Something to Live For. Bub
	Reply With Quote