[~EnlightenMe~]

I told my T that I thought that I was having emotional flashbacks, and he agreed. I have been talking about some uncomfortable, embarrassing things in therapy the last couple of weeks. I have been trying to deal with some issues at work that, without going into detail because I don't want to trigger myself, involve power/control issues. So, that's just the background information.

Early this morning, I don't know if I was dreaming about things or thinking about them, but I was feeling intense anger and then I felt intense shame, powerlessness, and a sadness that threatened to engulf me. This emotional flashback was the most intense I have had in awhile, and it was different from the ones I have had in the recent past because it included the sadness.

I feel like my head has been hit by a truck and I otherwise feel unsettled and exhausted. I'm going to work to ground myself but I hate that it takes so much effort, it is really annoying.

Can anybody relate to being triggered by power/control issues? Has anybody experienced these emotional flashbacks? Anything you can share or any thoughts, feelings, input, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Has anybody experienced these emotional flashbacks?

All the time. I don't really have the kind of flashback where you re-live an experience, or remember particular events, but mostly just the feelings associated with them. I just try to examine what is happening, try to understand it, connect it with other memories or things I have read. I have to keep doing this over and over, but gradually it really does help. I get moments of insight and these build on each other over time. Frustrating that it takes so long, but I do see increasing improvement.

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I feel like my head has been hit by a truck and I otherwise feel unsettled and exhausted. I'm going to work to ground myself but I hate that it takes so much effort, it is really annoying.

Can anybody relate to being triggered by power/control issues? Has anybody experienced these emotional flashbacks? Anything you can share or any thoughts, feelings, input, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

I can so so so relate to this. It's hard to see it when I'm IN it, but I'm starting to recognize it more and more.

I think just being able to recognize it is a HUGE first step.

And I agree that it's so frustrating that it takes so much effort and work to get through it

Different things help me at different times. When I am feeling powerless, focusing on where I *do* have power helps. I have some things around that I put in place during moments when I felt powerful, and seeing those when I feel powerless helps me remember that I have felt powerful before, and I can again - that what I am going through now is just a feeling.

And I remember that even though I don't have the power I might want (like the power to make my therapist take me back as a client), I do have other power - the power to make new connections, the power to believe in my goodness, the power to reach out to ask for help or to help others, the power to move through this situation.

I think it's so so so good that you've recognized where you are (in an emotional flashback) and that you're reaching out for help. That, right there, is powerful. Sometimes all I can do is reach out and lean on the power of the people around me until I can find my own again. And that's okay.

to you

[tinyrabbit]

I have these. It helps to get into the habit of noticing your surroundings and I actually talk out loud to myself about where and when I am. Also helps to wear something new or newish that you can feel - I always feel my wedding ring to remind myself this is now and not then.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

All the time. I don't really have the kind of flashback where you re-live an experience, or remember particular events, but mostly just the feelings associated with them. I just try to examine what is happening, try to understand it, connect it with other memories or things I have read. I have to keep doing this over and over, but gradually it really does help. I get moments of insight and these build on each other over time. Frustrating that it takes so long, but I do see increasing improvement.

Pachy,
It's good to hear from you! That's the kind I have, there's really no images, just the emotions. I think I have been aware of this going on before, but today was a major one, and I think I was clear that it was a flashback. I am over it now, but I haven't done much of anything all day, although that isn't that unusual. It is frustrating, I agree. Thanks so much for your reply! I am glad that you are seeing improvement. Take care

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by nightsky2

I can so so so relate to this. It's hard to see it when I'm IN it, but I'm starting to recognize it more and more.

I think just being able to recognize it is a HUGE first step.

And I agree that it's so frustrating that it takes so much effort and work to get through it

Different things help me at different times. When I am feeling powerless, focusing on where I *do* have power helps. I have some things around that I put in place during moments when I felt powerful, and seeing those when I feel powerless helps me remember that I have felt powerful before, and I can again - that what I am going through now is just a feeling.

And I remember that even though I don't have the power I might want (like the power to make my therapist take me back as a client), I do have other power - the power to make new connections, the power to believe in my goodness, the power to reach out to ask for help or to help others, the power to move through this situation.

I think it's so so so good that you've recognized where you are (in an emotional flashback) and that you're reaching out for help. That, right there, is powerful. Sometimes all I can do is reach out and lean on the power of the people around me until I can find my own again. And that's okay.

to you

(((Nightsky))))
I also believe that being able to know what is happening is progress, I wonder what I did before? I think I felt a massive urge to call my therapist, but knowing what it is makes it less terrifying I guess. Thanks for your suggestions, I will definitely try them. I did want to connect although it wasn't as pressing as it has been, and I appreciate you validating that need, it really helped. I hope you are doing well. Thanks so much, I appreciate your reply. Hugs right back atcha!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I have these. It helps to get into the habit of noticing your surroundings and I actually talk out loud to myself about where and when I am. Also helps to wear something new or newish that you can feel - I always feel my wedding ring to remind myself this is now and not then.

TinyRabbit,
I like your idea of using the senses to help ground me, I had a difficult time with that this morning. I'm thinking about going outside and running next time, maybe that will help, too. I really appreciate your reply. Thanks so much

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I also believe that being able to know what is happening is progress, I wonder what I did before?

My T noted this week that "observation changes the thing", meaning that when you understand that you are being triggered (and by what, which isn't always the case for me) and you notice to yourself that that is what is happening, something does change as a result. I think my experience is that I feel like the thing has less power over me, and it disappears in pretty short order.

I also can be triggered by power and control issues, which happen occasionally with my work when other attorneys try to engage in power maneuvers or engage in gratuitous nastiness (which probably is a power or control move). I also found myself feeling triggered when someone wrote me a nasty PM on here, even though this person is only a very occasional visitor to this board (though she had previously written me another nasty PM, and I told her not to write me again. Her defense was that I didn't block her, therefore I caused her to PM me again). I have no relationship to this person, I don't even know who she is or if she's the she claimed to be, her message didn't contain any real facts, just insults, yet her demand that I block her felt like a control move.

Normally I experience people on here and people IRL as respectful and supportive, and no one regularly in my life is controlling, so it was jarring to me to have these experiences. But I felt they were either so expected (some attorneys can be total jackasses) or just so off base and crazy, that neither one of these things "should" have been triggering. But the upside is that I was able to use those feelings triggered by these experiences to go deeper into the physical and emotional flashbacks that have plagued me lately, and I got a lot of work done this week in T.

Especially with emotional flashbacks, I don't always know where they are coming from. In T yesterday, I felt this wall of sadness just slam into me, but it wasn't connected to anything I was talking about (at least not in an obvious way). That's what emotional flashbacks seem like to me. But if I can hang onto them like a wave and use them to ride to shore, they can actually be an opportunity rather than a detriment to me. In some ways, I think that they are information and useful information at that. And information is power, which helps me feel like I am back in control.

That probably sounded really convoluted. I hope there was something useful to you in there.

[mixedup_emotions]

Antimatter, I'm glad you posted about this because it helped bring some awareness to something I've endured on occasion but didn't realize there was a name for it.

There are times when I've dissociated in T.....and T would refer to it as "reliving the trauma". But that didn't quite fit for me because I wasn't seeing or hearing things...just FEELING.

I didn't realize the possibility of reliving the emotions alone rather than the events as a whole....Thanks!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

My T noted this week that "observation changes the thing", meaning that when you understand that you are being triggered (and by what, which isn't always the case for me) and you notice to yourself that that is what is happening, something does change as a result. I think my experience is that I feel like the thing has less power over me, and it disappears in pretty short order.

I also can be triggered by power and control issues, which happen occasionally with my work when other attorneys try to engage in power maneuvers or engage in gratuitous nastiness (which probably is a power or control move). I also found myself feeling triggered when someone wrote me a nasty PM on here, even though this person is only a very occasional visitor to this board (though she had previously written me another nasty PM, and I told her not to write me again. Her defense was that I didn't block her, therefore I caused her to PM me again). I have no relationship to this person, I don't even know who she is or if she's the she claimed to be, her message didn't contain any real facts, just insults, yet her demand that I block her felt like a control move.

Normally I experience people on here and people IRL as respectful and supportive, and no one regularly in my life is controlling, so it was jarring to me to have these experiences. But I felt they were either so expected (some attorneys can be total jackasses) or just so off base and crazy, that neither one of these things "should" have been triggering. But the upside is that I was able to use those feelings triggered by these experiences to go deeper into the physical and emotional flashbacks that have plagued me lately, and I got a lot of work done this week in T.

Especially with emotional flashbacks, I don't always know where they are coming from. In T yesterday, I felt this wall of sadness just slam into me, but it wasn't connected to anything I was talking about (at least not in an obvious way). That's what emotional flashbacks seem like to me. But if I can hang onto them like a wave and use them to ride to shore, they can actually be an opportunity rather than a detriment to me. In some ways, I think that they are information and useful information at that. And information is power, which helps me feel like I am back in control.

That probably sounded really convoluted. I hope there was something useful to you in there.

No, it made perfect sense! I feel the same way, that the fact that I knew what it was made it less daunting. I can understand that you would be triggered by your examples of the member and the other lawyers. The work example for me involves one thing happening where someone else changed the outcome from what I had hoped for, and then the outcome itself involved a person trying to not do her job and word it in a way that wasn't obvious to my boss. I am being vague on purpose, and changing facts to protect the guilty, but it is something that is causing me to dread going back to work even more than usual. I don't want to have one of this type of flashback at work, but I just to know how that will work out.

I am glad that you have made progress. I have been disclosing a lot in therapy and I think it will be an impetus for change in the long run, I just have to make it through now. Thanks so much, Anne, it was good to hear from you I appreciate your reply Take care.

[Mara Mountain]

Thank you for your honesty Antimatter. Your concerns and experience in this thread helped me. I currently use alcohol to diminish the feelings ofpain with the emotions brought up from past memories but I understand where they come from because of your post. Thank you and I hope we can learn how to have less frequent flashbacks.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Antimatter, I'm glad you posted about this because it helped bring some awareness to something I've endured on occasion but didn't realize there was a name for it.

There are times when I've dissociated in T.....and T would refer to it as "reliving the trauma". But that didn't quite fit for me because I wasn't seeing or hearing things...just FEELING.

I didn't realize the possibility of reliving the emotions alone rather than the events as a whole....Thanks!

I'm glad it helped, MUE. It has helped me a lot because it helps make sense of some of the things that I go through, and I feel less crazy. There is a site that I have gone to that I think has good information. I pasted the link to a page on the website, but this guy has more pages that are interesting.

Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

I think emotional flashbacks aren't talked about much, like in the movies you only see the visual ones. It appears as if the awareness is increasing, which is a good thing. Thanks so much for your reply!

[murray]

Not sure how I am feeling after reading this thread and following the link to read some of the articles. Kind of disorienting to read and see myself...disturbing. I never realized that what happens has a name and that it is real. Sometimes I have the other type of flashbacks- with sound, smells, sights, sensations....yuck. But the emotional type I experience much more frequently.

The other interesting thing in the link is the "fawn" response which unfortunately I can relate to as well. Ugh....oh well. Stuff to think about I suppose.

Thanks for the thread and link.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Mara Mountain

Thank you for your honesty Antimatter. Your concerns and experience in this thread helped me. I currently use alcohol to diminish the feelings ofpain with the emotions brought up from past memories but I understand where they come from because of your post. Thank you and I hope we can learn how to have less frequent flashbacks.

Mara --
Nice to meet you! I am glad this post helped you and others, as all the replies have immensely helped me. I do think that the more we are aware of what is happening, the less we will react, which hopefully will help us have less frequent flashback. I appreciate your reply! Thanks so much

[~EnlightenMe~]

I just wanted to share that I replied to MUE's post three times (then just deleted two). For some reason, my computer keeps timing out and it appears that I have lost my reply, so I typed it again and sent it again twice. I tried three times, to no avail (I thought), and decided to come back later only to see three posts? How frustrating.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by murray

Not sure how I am feeling after reading this thread and following the link to read some of the articles. Kind of disorienting to read and see myself...disturbing. I never realized that what happens has a name and that it is real. Sometimes I have the other type of flashbacks- with sound, smells, sights, sensations....yuck. But the emotional type I experience much more frequently.

The other interesting thing in the link is the "fawn" response which unfortunately I can relate to as well. Ugh....oh well. Stuff to think about I suppose.

Thanks for the thread and link.

(((Murray)))
It is kind of disorienting to try to take it in all at once. I read the link awhile ago, and come back to it now and then. I had forgotten about the different responses, including the fawn. I thought the things he said were really interesting and I will have to go back and reread them. I think that a quite a few of my issue came from not knowing what was going on and feeling so overwhelmed, and then not being able to articulate it to anyone. I do think that being able to talk to T about this and just knowing about it really helps. I appreciate your reply, thanks so much!

[feralkittymom]

Antimatter, I'm really happy that you've found a process to stop the spiral.

I, too, have had this experience, though without having a name for it. But I wanted to respond now because I may have a glimpse of what could be possible down the road for you.

I hadn't experienced anything like a flashback for at least 15 years, maybe 20. A few months ago, I found myself in a pretty traumatic situation involving police intending to arrest me.

I don't want to give too many details, but it was all a mistake, and everything is fine now. But I was surprised by them at my workplace, and was subjected to a 2 hour interrogation, quite hostile, by 7 male officials. I am also an ex-pat, and the interrogation was conducted in a language in which I muddle through, but am far from fluent. I was provided no interpreter, nor representation by my employer. The laws in this country are very, very different from the US.

So all the dynamics from childhood came roaring back to life: male control, confusion, fear, powerlessness. But what also happened, with no conscious effort by me, was another sort of "flashback"--one of protection and comfort with my T. A small moment that was immensely reassuring and calm-inducing from 15 years prior came into consciousness with a somatic presence. It was very much an emotional flashback, but of positive emotions.

It made all the difference. I was immediately calmed by its "presence" and it made it possible for me to handle the situation and myself appropriately.

When it was all over, and I was at home that night, I was flooded by all the feelings that had been allayed at the time. It wasn't pleasant, but I was able to consciously summon up that good "flashback" to comfort myself enough to take the practical actions that would make me feel safe: reach out to my local friends, let friends at home know what was happening, consciously take care of myself. And so the feelings passed through me, rather than take hold of me. The distress was short-lived, and I feel stronger for being "tested."

But it also confirms for me again the power of the healing relationship. What helped me at that moment wasn't purely cognitive--it was emotional and somatic and equal in power to the trauma that was evoked by the situation.

I hope this can give you faith in the power of the connection you're making and how its benefits can extend far into the future.

[Asiablue]

I've experienced emotional flashbacks but the most powerful was last month when i was going thru a really hard time and they would just hit me randomly and i would all of a sudden be drowning in these old feelings i used to have as a child. They were so strong that for a millisecond i was back in that place and i had to figure out what was real and what wasn't. Not nice.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I also can be triggered by power and control issues, which happen occasionally with my work when other attorneys try to engage in power maneuvers or engage in gratuitous nastiness (which probably is a power or control move).

Here's something that might help: if while this is happening you can sort of set it aside and wonder why these attorneys need to engage in such activities. Is it because they feel they are so wonderful -- or is it because they feel inadequate themselves?

Once you begin to suspect the latter, what they do has less power over you!

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Here's something that might help: if while this is happening you can sort of set it aside and wonder why these attorneys need to engage in such activities. Is it because they feel they are so wonderful -- or is it because they feel inadequate themselves?

Once you begin to suspect the latter, what they do has less power over you!

That's an interesting response, but I generally find it unproductive to go down this road. People's motivations are rarely knowable, sometimes even to themselves. And I don't really need to feel superior to someone else in order to make myself feel better.

And because I have gotten to the point where I notice my own reaction (rather than just having it and being lost in it), I am not outwardly affected by it, nor does it compromise my judgment.

I just feel bad, I feel (as I call it) my train leaving the station, like I am backing away from myself because it scares me and I am backing away as protection.

I would like to get to the point where bogus attacks or just plain nastiness doesn't affect me at all, but I think that I just can't. Maybe there are people who are like teflon and it doesn't bother them even for a moment. But I am glad that I know what's happening when it's happening, and as my T says, "observation changes the thing."

[stopdog]

That therapist I see has told me I have these. She has never called them by the name emotional flashbacks, but her description is the same. I don't know if I would call them this or not. It is unpleasant whatever it is.

[tinyrabbit]

I see them as echoes of old feelings. And the really bizarre thing is my T can feel when I'm having them as he feels repelled, like almost physically pushed away.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

People's motivations are rarely knowable, sometimes even to themselves. And I don't really need to feel superior to someone else in order to make myself feel better.

I think a lot can be intuited about what other people are doing, and that does not make one necessarily feel "superior" to them. I find it to be information, if only tentative.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Antimatter, I'm really happy that you've found a process to stop the spiral.

I, too, have had this experience, though without having a name for it. But I wanted to respond now because I may have a glimpse of what could be possible down the road for you.

I hadn't experienced anything like a flashback for at least 15 years, maybe 20. A few months ago, I found myself in a pretty traumatic situation involving police intending to arrest me.

I don't want to give too many details, but it was all a mistake, and everything is fine now. But I was surprised by them at my workplace, and was subjected to a 2 hour interrogation, quite hostile, by 7 male officials. I am also an ex-pat, and the interrogation was conducted in a language in which I muddle through, but am far from fluent. I was provided no interpreter, nor representation by my employer. The laws in this country are very, very different from the US.

So all the dynamics from childhood came roaring back to life: male control, confusion, fear, powerlessness. But what also happened, with no conscious effort by me, was another sort of "flashback"--one of protection and comfort with my T. A small moment that was immensely reassuring and calm-inducing from 15 years prior came into consciousness with a somatic presence. It was very much an emotional flashback, but of positive emotions.

It made all the difference. I was immediately calmed by its "presence" and it made it possible for me to handle the situation and myself appropriately.

When it was all over, and I was at home that night, I was flooded by all the feelings that had been allayed at the time. It wasn't pleasant, but I was able to consciously summon up that good "flashback" to comfort myself enough to take the practical actions that would make me feel safe: reach out to my local friends, let friends at home know what was happening, consciously take care of myself. And so the feelings passed through me, rather than take hold of me. The distress was short-lived, and I feel stronger for being "tested."

But it also confirms for me again the power of the healing relationship. What helped me at that moment wasn't purely cognitive--it was emotional and somatic and equal in power to the trauma that was evoked by the situation.

I hope this can give you faith in the power of the connection you're making and how its benefits can extend far into the future.

((((FKM)))))
I am sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience! Thank you for sharing your experience of a good flashback, as I never would have thought about a flashback as being good. I am glad that this experience came about for you, and that it was able to comfort you during a difficult time.

I do feel stronger for making it through the flashback. Unfortunately, I can't really share this with my H or friends, but I did make it through it myself (and with help here).

It does give me faith that in the future, maybe these emotions will dissipate to some extent and I will have a life. Even if it doesn't one hundred percent, I will be able to deal with it.

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate you sharing your experience. Take care.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I've experienced emotional flashbacks but the most powerful was last month when i was going thru a really hard time and they would just hit me randomly and i would all of a sudden be drowning in these old feelings i used to have as a child. They were so strong that for a millisecond i was back in that place and i had to figure out what was real and what wasn't. Not nice.

It is very difficult to navigate at times. I also find that when I try to explain what is going on, that others don't understand what I am talking about. That is when I know I am not in the present. I hope you are feeling better these days, Asia. Take care.