I read a really interesting blog on the Psych Central blogs: How To Deal With A Help-Rejecting Complainer | Therapy Soup

This is something that came up for me recently; why do people complain (particularly when it's repeatedly about the same thing), but then reject all help or advice? The blog lists a number of very interesting possibilities.

More important for me is, why do I keep trying to help? I realized for me, it had a lot to do with somehow thinking that if the person I am talking to can change, there is some hope for my mother. Sounds silly and it's kind of embarrassing to admit, but there it is.

I thought some other people might like this article as well.

[CantExplain]

I'm sure my T sees me as a help-rejecting complainer.

[WikidPissah]

That's my mother. Help Rejecting Complainer...the queen of all of them. I stopped by there today with my daughter (who makes a good buffer). She complained about the bathroom, her cellphone, the oven, the vacuum, and my brother. I was like SHEESH, you have money in the bank, good health, roof over your head, someone that looks after you, a free cell provided by the government and food to cook. Not all 84 yr olds have that.

And now I am complaining about her... See! It's contagious!

The trick maybe, Wikid, is to figure out WHY you keep doing this to yourself. What do you get out of it or what good is it?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

That's my mother. Help Rejecting Complainer...the queen of all of them. I stopped by there today with my daughter (who makes a good buffer). She complained about the bathroom, her cellphone, the oven, the vacuum, and my brother. I was like SHEESH, you have money in the bank, good health, roof over your head, someone that looks after you, a free cell provided by the government and food to cook. Not all 84 yr olds have that.

wow Wiki, reading yr comments about yr mother makes me wonder whether I have a right to be in therapy at all, or am just an HRC... yikes.

And I don't think this line of thought pays for me... after all, what would be a helpful response from you - "no worries SAWE, you're nuts all right"...? lol (well... kinda)

[unaluna]

Great set of articles, thanks. Explains why my mother would take my advice and then purposely mess it up - nice to have proof I wasn't just imagining it! Not proof that would hold up in court, but good enough for government work

ETA: once - she took my advice once. Didn't want you all to think she actually listened to me or anything!!

[WikidPissah]

I think for me it is to stave off guilt. I feel less guilty if I put my couple of hours a week in with her. Guilt is a great motivator. I really don't give her advice anymore though, I just tune her out. She's 84 and not going to change, learn or turn over a new leaf. This is who she is, I can walk away or tolerate her. I have chosen to tolerate her because I fear the guilt I will feel if I walk away.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

wow Wiki, reading yr comments about yr mother makes me wonder whether I have a right to be in therapy at all, or am just an HRC... yikes.

And I don't think this line of thought pays for me... after all, what would be a helpful response from you - "no worries SAWE, you're nuts all right"...? lol (well... kinda)

SAWE, you don't complain about petty things. She sees nothing good in anything. Her life is good. She needs a therapist though. lol

[feralkittymom]

Oh yeah...the "yes, but--" I have a friend like this. I've come to the point where I just drastically limit my contact with her. But it does sadden me because she didn't used to be like this. And she's a serious hypochondriac, and I can't help but think if she'd just spend some of her very generous health benefits on therapy instead of running from one practitioner to another....

[stopdog]

MKAC - I come at this from another direction. I just want to offer another possible view point here.
I had a mother who insisted on helping or giving advice when I did not want it or ask for it. Then when I did not take it (I almost never did) she would become enraged and threaten to leave the family (which would make my sibling very very upset so that they both would end up in tears or raging or a combination at me and cause my dad to get pissed at me for upsetting the other two so much). My lack of gratitude for all she did and offered (as well as my lack of reaction when she would start on my lack of gratitude) was just proof I had no feelings, did not love her, was a cold and unfeeling callous excuse for a daughter with a heart of stone.
Eventually (this scenario happened several times a month in my house) I would tell her just not to do it if my lack of gratitude it upset her that much - to just stop trying so hard to help me in the way I did not want/had not asked for and that resulted in her feeling so upset by me. That we would all be happier if she just quit trying (note - this was not a good plan on my part and usually resulted in retribution rendered upon me in one or more fashions - I was a slow child and rarely could I keep myself from going there).
Her attempts at helping me made me feel trapped and resentful for having something foisted upon me and then being berated for not being grateful for what I did not want.
I offer my experience to possibly explain why some people do not seem to take advice no matter how well meaning. I don't take it well. I don't think I am usually asking for it, but rather for examples of how other people have handled something similar, or sometimes I just want to vent without worrying about others trying to help me. I rarely do tell others about some stuff because their help would piss me off and my lack of gratitude might hurt them. (this approach left my mother complaining I did not share my life with her. At least that thought on her part about me was true.)

[Anne2.0]

For me, I think there is a very functional part of wanting to help others. I am grateful that one of the things that came out of my childhood experience of abuse is a desire to help others, and it's why I chose the career that I did and why I am very good at it. One important way that I have made meaning out of what happened to me and transformed the experience from something just bad to something that has made me the kind of person that would do good in the world. In Judaism this is called tikkun olam (healing the world). I choose to be a part of this broader kind of healing out of gratitude that I have been able to heal from one happened to me (imperfectly, as I am obviously still healing).

I think that a desire to help others outside my workplace can be a part of this functional kind of helping others. At other times I think it is dysfunctional, not necessarily for the other person-- although I think I have been in the situation where I have not helped the person in the way that they need--but for me. I have at least one friendship in my life where I have realized that it is little more than just me listening to her talk about her problems. It's unbalanced and it is not nurturing to me, so I focus on other relationships where it can be more balanced. I think at some point in the past, it may have made me feel good to offer this kind of unbalanced support to someone, but now it just feels like a vampire-ish drain upon my energy.

[ECHOES]

I recently was bothered by my own help-rejecting tendency and voice it to T as being tired of my 'whining' and that it ends there, that I don't DO anything about 'it' (whatever 'it' is, at the moment).

She is so kind . She said she doesn't see it as whining at all, but as finding my voice, learning what is important to me, and learning where my obstacles are.

Stopdog, I was talking more about people who SAY they need help with an issue and are either trying to reach a decision or want to avoid a problem repeating itself. They ask for help or advice when what they really seem to want is just people agreeing with their "woe is me" or "I'm a victim and everyone else is at fault" kind of attitude. They refuse to even listen to people who have solutions or different viewpoints or ideas.

If someone just asks for information on my experience with something, that is different, in my mind anyway. Between us, for instance, I have told you my experience and it's not a road you wish to take. You have said that and I respect your right to take that position.

[stopdog]

I know. And I appreciate the difference. I think I am just not that much of a helper (fear of doing what I hate having had done to me to someone else- i think you and I have this fear in common just in different areas) either so it is a concept that is sort of hard for me to fully grasp. I was glad to read the article.