I had my first appt last night with my new T. I am so glad I found someone who would hang in there with me long enough to find someone for me to meet with. I feel very fortunate - and a little bit hopeful even. I am looking forward to crying a bit. I haven't been able to feel much of anything lately except miserable, because I have been just so upset.

I have been holding in a lot of feelings (disgust, frustration, hurt, disappointment, confusion) the past couple of months just trying to survive

Lately, the feelings seem to be morphing into resentment and anger, though. Which I am still holding in / onto / for dear life. Hoping those feelings will stay put until I can back to T again. I don't want to lose my temper or say hurtful things. But I also do not want to feel so hurt anymore. I feel so ugly right now too.

Even last night, during Intake Session, Part A (we will most likely finish Intake next week), we just scratched the surface of things, and I left feeling as though some of my "stuffing" was sticking out that I had to tuck back in before I left the office (you know like when a teddy has a little rip and the stuffing pokes out). I felt as if I couldn't afford to feel vulnerable.

After a long day at work and then T, I was exhausted when I got home around 9 and went to sleep right away (I didn't even eat dinner). I had bad dreams. I woke up suddenly out of a very vivid dream, and I had no doubt about the message:

I do NOT want to keep going back to the same place of pain and horror over and over and over again without resolution. I am so done living in this house of horrors that was my life. I write "was my life" because I really haven't been living. Just surviving.

I really want this to be my last T. Fingers crossed.

Rose ((((hugs))))
I do hope this T works for you and you can start to live your life again

[CantExplain]

Well done!

[unaluna]

Awesome. I like the sound of last T. I call my T that. But we're both pretty old!! But we weren't when we started - altho I thought he was! Seriously, it's sounds like you've realized something. And that is awesome, to take action on it by making an appointment and starting the conversation.

[~EnlightenMe~]

(((((((Rose))))))))),
I am glad that you found a new T. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. Hugs to you.

So I had my second session with my new T last night. We finished up intake, part ii.

Our session went as well as can be expected under the circumstances. Rehashing past traumas was hard, and we had to stop several times, so I could compose (ground) myself. I like that she is very aware and focuses on mondfulness and grounding, breathing, etc. It helps me a lot because when I talk about that hard, painful stuff, I seem to start floating away out of myself (disassociating) still.

The newer stuff (most recent traumas) and even the past ones from almost 20 years ago. It just hurts. It literally pains me. My heart ... i feel it broken. And I also start having symptoms of anxiety and panic too.

Thankfully the breathing slows things down so I dont have a complete meltdown.

The problem / challenge though that I found myself in last night is that since we scratched the surface of each thing (at least a half dozen and all big), I was completely out if it when I left. I definitely should not have been driving. And certainly not driving the 35 miles home in the dark on the freeway. When I am feeling so incredibly out of sorts, I am photosensitive and the headlights from other cars really bother me. Esp those halogen ones.

And I have a hard time focusing and I get startked easily my senses are in complete overdrive . Not good for driving .

I asked her at the end of our session if she had any Sat appts free? It was encouraging that although not yet, in a few months, she will. I asked her to please keep me in mind. Maybe we can keep things sort of topical and light in the meantime. Focus on daily challenges at work and working on making a little plan for socializing more.

So we penned each other in for Wed nights at 7. And we both expressed that we were looking foward to working together that felt good.

Also, I know it isnt going to be easy, but when she asked me what I hoped to gain from our time together, the first thing I blurted out was my goal to never have to go to therapy again (except for maintenance, of course)...inner peace, forgiveness for myself and t others, and resolution so I can walk away from my family strong and independent...especially FINANCIALLY.

Emotionally, I am realisticthat they are totally incapable of being there for me. I get it.

Deep breath out. That really felt great [a huge relief in my mind, body and soul]

Arggggg, it is going to be really hard though until those Saturdays become available. Mid work week therapy after being up since the crack of dawn, working all day and then going to T to work on my deep emotional s***. It is very hatd. Esp when I have to get up the next morning and go to work (which is one of my big stressful, miserable angry ssues).

God, I cant wait to get away from them. Not run, not walk out...but because I simply dont need that anymore.

Still seeing T. I really like working with her. We get a lot accomplished....very productive.

I am determined to get through all the painful stuff so.I can finally move on. Giving it 110%.

(I am exhausted from carrying the world on my back)

[Anne2.0]

I am glad that your therapy has been productive. I hope it continues to go well.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

Still seeing T. I really like working with her. We get a lot accomplished....very productive.

I am determined to get through all the painful stuff so.I can finally move on. Giving it 110%.

(I am exhausted from carrying the world on my back)

I am so glad that you are getting a lot accomplished with your current T.