[lifelesstraveled]

2 weeks ago I finally gave T a list of things that I think I remember from my childhood. The list isn't very long but it's all I've got. I've been hanging onto that list since 2008 (just before I started therapy for the first time)when the things I had forgotten or not thought of sort of bombarded me all at once. Most of the memories are memories of feelings/emotions I had growing up (anxiety and extreme fear, dread, hopelessness, feeling alone and broken etc), and random moments that have no beginning, end or relevance.

I also was tasked with asking my family members about my history since I don't have much to go on other than what I gave T. That was one of the hardest assignments and it took me a very long time to get to that point. I didn't want to do it because I knew my POV would be VERY different from my family's POV--I was right. According to everyone else I was a happy and outgoing. I don't have an outgoing bone in my body and never have, and I can't find the happy moments no matter how hard I try.

Yesterday T asked if any emotions have come up since sharing all of this. Other than initially feeling like a dummy for asking my family for some information about myself (that i should know myself), the only other thing I feel is confusion because of the conflicting stories. T tried to explain that something else is missing that someone isn't saying. I like to think that my family honestly told me everything they know. I know I've told T everything I think I know--though I don't have much confidence in what I told her.

Should I be overwhelmed with feelings right now? Because I'm not. And as I'm sitting here taking a break from school work trying to reflect, I don't know if I feel anything at all other than some confusion. What if my side is wrong? What if T doesn't believe me (I didn't tell T about this part)? I don't it believe myself most of the time. But when T says "kids don't make stuff like this up", I feel a little better about my experience, but not for very long.

SIDEBAR and completely irrelevant to the above

Most embarrassing moment of the session: after telling T about my promotion at work at the end of session, we both stood up. I was ready to leave and T walked over to me to give me a hug and rather than stepping into it and accepting the hug, I stepped back against the wall and recoiled at the gesture. Im sure the look of fear showed all over my face as well as. I didn't mean to do that. It happened so fast and I wasn't expecting it--it scared me to pieces. She kept insisting and i kept saying no. I could feel myself shaking a little. She said "look at you". I snapped back and realized I probably looked like an idiot backed against the wall. She finally gave up on the hug thing and put her hand on my arm --though I tried to back away from that too, but I had to pass her to leave. She told me she could feel me shaking a little. I said "have a good weekend" and rushed out completely embarrassed. Looking back I feel really bad for rejecting the hug like that. I didn't mean to react that way

My comment is on the hug thing. Your therapist is the one who should be mortified and embarrassed, not you. She should have respected the fact that you did not wish to hug.

[optimize990h]

Hi livelesstraveled!

There is no right way to feel, it is not a pass or fail kind of situation. You have the freedom to feel whatever you want to feel. It can change as well. Your feelings at the time was confused and upset(at T's office). Later you are worried about whether you believe what you should be feeling and doubting yourself.

It is ok to feel that way. It does not make you less than anyone. So your family's view of you is different than your self assessment. The therapist will know how to help you better.

The hug avoidance behaviour was involuntary. Don't worry about it. It helps the therapist understand you better.

And congratulations in regards to your recent promotion.

[stopdog]

I react that way to surprise hugs. I think the huggers should have more respect for personal space and discomfort of others. I don't think rejecting a hug is wrong.

[unaluna]

Ditto on the hug. I hug my t every session, but it's because previous Ts would not - they would just hug at the very last session, and I would find that upsetting. Like, who is this person wanting to hug me all of a sudden, like they know me now?? And they didn't before now?? Wtf?? It's not something small or casual. It's HUGE.

LLT,

I can sympathize with the few memories of childhood... its confusing and frustrating...

Have you and T ever hugged before? if not, she should have asked first... But I can understand your feelings of being embarrassed...

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

LLT,

I can sympathize with the few memories of childhood... its confusing and frustrating...

Have you and T ever hugged before? if not, she should have asked first... But I can understand your feelings of being embarrassed...

I think we hugged 1x in 3 years and i was early on and I was prepared for it -though still very reluctant and uncomfortable with it. We did briefly talked about it early on in therapy. I once told her I don't like hugs because she wanted to hug me for being sober for x number of days. I told her no thanks. A second time she said what would you do if I hugged you? I recoiled in my seat involuntarily when she asked so I'm sure that answered her question.

And yes I am completely mortified. It all happened so fast. If I had been prepared for it, I'm sure I would have furrowed my brow and wrinkled my nose and said no thanks. Instead I'm sure I looked like a crazy person curled up against the wall lol.

[stopdog]

I have been known to react by throwing the person off rather roughly and without awareness as to how rough I am being, so it is possible curled up in a ball could be seen as the more gentle response. I still don't think the huggee is the party who bears the blame for their non violent reaction to unwelcome attempts at hugging and feel the hugger is the one who has mortification on their side. Particularly a therapist who I believe should know to respect people.

[adel34]

She should have had more respect for your boundaries and comfort level. Especially if you've only hugged one other time in three years, and already told her that you don't feel comfortable with it.
I personally feel touch in therapy is very valuable for myself, and have been hurt recently by professionals not allowing it at all and being very rigid about this. Your post showed me how the opposite is just as hurtful. I would try and talk with her about this again.

[ultramar]

My comment is about the hugging as well.

I'm concerned that she has been insistent about it, when you seem to have made your feelings about it clear.

She may be wonderful in other ways and just have a blind spot on this issue, but this sort of thing should never be about fulfilling the therapist's needs (for hugs), much less at the expense of the patient, if this is in fact what is happening. On the other hand, maybe she's just used to patients who welcome hugs and is having a hard time taking in your discomfort with them.

I'd talk to her about it, tell her again that it makes you uncomfortable, once she 'gets' that I'm sure it'll be fine. She may well have already realized she kind of messed up on that front and not at all be surprised at you bringing it up. You have nothing at all to be ashamed of.

[feralkittymom]

LLT,

Others have already echoed my thoughts about the inappropriate action of your T insisting on hugging you. Your reaction is completely understandable.

But I don't think your reaction is as unrelated to your family memories as you might think.

Kids who are raised with love and affection don't usually recoil with fear and anxiety from a hug given by a trusted person. I understand wanting to believe your family's memories of you, especially in light of your own absence of memories; but I think this experience can give you confidence in your gut feelings about your past.

I think stopdog is right, although shoving is more clear and emphatic and I doubt she would try that **** twice. LOL. With my first T, he offered a hug near the beginning and my response was some polite version of 'don't ****ing touch me.' At the end, he kind of coaxed me on the subject, while admitting it was partly about him. He wanted a hug before I left because he felt we had made such dramatic progress in a short time. By then, and because he admitted it was about him and not some favor he was doing me, I was okay with hugging him.

[lifelesstraveled]

Thanks for the responses.

I don't think was intentionally trying to be disrespectful or to trying to hurt me. I think she was genuinely happy about the progress I've made and about my promotion at work and wanted to express her happiness for me. She's really nice and patient with me. I don't know how she has put up with me for this long.

She knows that I don't like hugs/people touching me--I think I heard her say "i know you don't like hugs, but.." as she was walking towards me. I was too busy trying to gather my belongings so I don't recall the exact words.

I just feel bad because she wanted to celebrate with me /for me and my recent accomplishments and I completely rejected her attempt.

Thanks again folks--you all are so awesome!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

She knows that I don't like hugs/people touching me--I think I heard her say "i know you don't like hugs, but.." as she was walking towards me. I was too busy trying to gather my belongings so I don't recall the exact words.

I just feel bad because she wanted to celebrate with me /for me and my recent accomplishments and I completely rejected her attempt.

Thanks again folks--you all are so awesome!

A therapist saying that while coming at me would send me into a blind rage. To me that is completely disregarding me. Rejecting an attempt to celebrate in a fashion that is not welcome and completely disregards my sensibilities is not something I think is bad. I personally do not care what the therapist wants to celebrate. I am free to reject anything from the therapist that I want. An unbidden touch is one of those things regardless of why the therapist wants to do it.

I hope you can talk to her about this with her both the touch and how you feel bad about rejecting it.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

LLT,

Others have already echoed my thoughts about the inappropriate action of your T insisting on hugging you. Your reaction is completely understandable.

But I don't think your reaction is as unrelated to your family memories as you might think.

Kids who are raised with love and affection don't usually recoil with fear and anxiety from a hug given by a trusted person. I understand wanting to believe your family's memories of you, especially in light of your own absence of memories; but I think this experience can give you confidence in your gut feelings about your past.

I have to respectfully disagree. There can be all kinds of reasons why someone would not want a hug from their therapist, and I think when someone has already expressed their discomfort and yet is cornered into it anyway can understandably cause a reaction of fear/anxiety. I think it's within the realm of a perfectly normal reaction, no matter one's history.

[tinyrabbit]

I agree with Stopdog. And if my therapist said "I know you don't like x but..." I would be absolutely furious. Your boundaries should not be so utterly disrespected in therapy. No way. If she wants to celebrate with you, she should do it in a way that suits you, not her.

I'm fine with hugs from people I know but would still be horrified by a therapist advancing on me like this.