[1stepatatime]

So I have been seeing my t for about two months now, once a week. She is laid back and easy going but sometimes I wonder if she is really interested in me, my issues. For example...when I talk about my issues in dealing with my feelings of my break up with my ex she pretty much puts it out there that what I'm going through is normal, even momentary suicidal feelings that come and go....is that normal?? Sometimes I feel like my issues are not taken to be as serious as they are to me. Another issue is that I always have to initiate the sessions...that is freaking hard for me and she knows it yet remains silent until I start the session....is this typical?? Having said that I do believe she is a good therapist and seems caring but because of what I discussed above I worry about her feelings for me and if I am even a relevant client. Any advice would be welcome,thanks!!!

[EllieBear]

My T used to tell me that my feelings about things I was struggling with were normal too, and like you, I kind of felt like she wasn't taking them seriously either. I felt like she was minimizing how I felt. If it's "normal" and then it's not a big deal right? That's what I thought. I eventually talked to her about it, and she told me she was actually trying to validate my feelings and show me they were not weird or unusual. I get that now, but it's still not the most helpful way for her to respond to my feelings. She knows that now because I told her, so now she responds a little differently. Have you tried telling you T how you feel when she says that? Maybe talking to her about that as well as initiating the sessions would be helpful. Just my thought, but it's helped me.

Yes I think she us containing your fears.

[ECHOES]

I don't like it when my therapist says something like that. She tends to not say 'normal' but something more like 'everyone feels that way'. I find it offensive and I told her. She told me that the reason she says it is not to minimize or dismiss what I'm going through, but to reassure me that I'm like others. I also told her that what I need in the moment is not to be reassured that I'm like others because, frankly I could care less at that point, I just want relief and ... oh.. for her to take out a magical wand and make me feel better. Or magical words to make me feel better. Or that hug I crave... We can laugh about it now that we've talked about it and I might start off with, "I know you'll tell me everyone feels this way...", or she might start off a reply to something with "I'm going to say something you don't like to hear...". So we are both heard, she says what she thinks is necessary to say and for me to hear. It works. I can still tell her it isn't helpful when she says it.

I think we just want to be really really heard during time like you are going through. Thinking of what we are experiencing as 'normal' (whatever that is), isn't needed. What is needed is something else - for our therapist to really hear and understand the pain.

I hope you will tell her that you are feeling unheard and tell her how you would like her to respond. It can be a nice discussion that makes the connection stronger.

Yes, we have to start the sessions. That can be so frustrating. Even after years of therapy, I sometimes start with a statement about having to start, or that I don't have anything, or that I don't know what to talk about, or I chit chat until something gets nudged in my thoughts to talk about (or she finds something there to grab on to. lol).
When I'm feeling a desire to be taken care of by her, or to be passive/dependent, that's when it bothers me that she doesn't just start where she thinks I/we "should" start.

The only exception is if I email or write, then she might start by saying that she read it....
To which I sometimes have a "Yeah? So?" response to. nice
Fears are so darn controlling!

It really sounds like your therapy is going well and you have a good feeling about it, in general. Keep talking directly about the things that you don't have a good feeling about, get them out in the open. If she is like my T, she will really appreciate the feedback!

[1stepatatime]

Good morning, Echoes
Thanks for your insight...it is much appreciated. I have decided that one way to start the session is to have my feelings or issues on a word doc. It seems to come out easier in that fashion. I have already journaled what it is that I want to discuss at my session next week. I plan on handing it to her, wonder if she will read it or make me read it? I have these crazy abandonment issues and have emailed her about that. So that may come up in the session as well. She said we would discuss them when we meet, "as I am comfortable in doing so" I responded that it helps me to be taken out of my comfort zone. I don't think being comfortable is necessarily a good thing, don't we grow from reflection which may mean some level of discomfort? Thanks again for your input!

[stopdog]

I dislike when the therapist tells me everyone does x. My usual response is what effing difference does that make to me? I feel set up, "tell me what you are feeling" "I feel x"
"everyone feels x" "so what is the point in me telling you if it does not matter?"

Originally Posted by stopdog

I dislike when the therapist tells me everyone does x. My usual response is what effing difference does that make to me? I feel set up, "tell me what you are feeling" "I feel x"
"everyone feels x" "so what is the point in me telling you if it does not matter?"

To help assure you that YOU are normal and not an alien!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

To help assure you that YOU are normal and not an alien!

Why would I believe her? How the hell would she know? I am not telling her to be assured I am normal and not an alien. What difference does it make whether it is normal or not? Having it be normal makes it no more acceptable to me.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

She told me that the reason she says it is not to minimize or dismiss what I'm going through, but to reassure me that I'm like others. I also told her that what I need in the moment is not to be reassured that I'm like others because, frankly I could care less at that point, I just want relief and ... oh.. for her to take out a magical wand and make me feel better. Or magical words to make me feel better.

This is it exactly (for me)! I absolutely hate it when I tell my therapist something that I find quite embarrassing/shameful/overwhelming (which is basically anything overly personal!) and she says "everyone feels like that in relation to..." or "do you think you are the only person to feel that way?" or "don't make it pathological". I feel so embarrassed that it has upset me enough to talk to a therapist about when "everyone else feels that way" but they don't go to a therapist for it! This is especially hurtful when I talk about my relationship to my family in therapy.

It also makes me become acutely aware and embarrassed that I don't have anyone else that I feel comfortable talking to in order to find out how they feel and thus what is 'normal'. And it reminds me of how much I want to be able to talk about emotions with people but find it difficult because it makes me want to vomit (for some reason).

Originally Posted by stopdog

I dislike when the therapist tells me everyone does x. My usual response is what effing difference does that make to me? I feel set up, "tell me what you are feeling" "I feel x"
"everyone feels x" "so what is the point in me telling you if it does not matter?"

This is exactly how I feel. It starts out like she is interested but when her response is "everyone feels like that", I wonder - why did you ask then? Then I feel embarrassed for thinking it was important!

Originally Posted by stopdog

What difference does it make whether it is normal or not? Having it be normal makes it no more acceptable to me.

Thank you! I absolutely agree. For me this goes along with Echoes statement, I don't care if how I am feeling is 'normal' because it still hurts and I'm still not okay with being/having 'normal' (feelings).

[~EnlightenMe~]

I would definitely tell your T how you feel in relation to her response. I would have also felt like my feelings were being minimized, although her reason for saying that I'm sure was to try to help. She won't know how you feel unless you tell her. Tell her about the embarrassment/shame you feel also, so you can work through all of this. Please keep us posted.