[Willowleaf]

Sorry. Please ignore. Having a moment!

[pegasus]

Hugs (((((( Willowleaf )))))))

[Nelliecat]

Go ahead and have a moment. You can have a hug

[Willowleaf]

I keep crying. I never cry

[Nelliecat]

Do you want to talk about it some more?

[Willowleaf]

Yes and no. I don't know, hence the moment! Thank you for being there, and Pegasus

[Nelliecat]

That's ok

[Syra]

I think I've had these moments, although I don't know if they are like yours. But moments when I want to talk and I want to "be cool" and under control. I want to scream to the world about something while I hide inside a turtle shell. And I'm very very confused. Maybe that's not what's happening for you. I jsut know I have moments when I might have written something, and then erased what I did and am not sure what I want to do.

I hope you feel better soon

[Raging Quiet]

((((Willowleaf))))

Thinking of you xx

[Willowleaf]

Yes, that's very similar. I desperately want something, anything to ease the pain. I tried to post, but actually when I looked at it written down it seemed too personal. One minute I want to tell the world, the next I just feel embarrassed and want to hide. Now I just feel like I look unhinged!

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

Yes, that's very similar. I desperately want something, anything to ease the pain. I tried to post, but actually when I looked at it written down it seemed too personal. One minute I want to tell the world, the next I just feel embarrassed and want to hide. Now I just feel like I look unhinged!

To me you looked like someone who is struggling with very painful stuff and staying in the struggle. Is it like that? or different?

Unhinged are people who don't struggle and then go do really horrible things.

The struggle isn't always pretty, and rarely easy, but it is something I value (moreso in my better moments).

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

Yes, that's very similar. I desperately want something, anything to ease the pain. I tried to post, but actually when I looked at it written down it seemed too personal. One minute I want to tell the world, the next I just feel embarrassed and want to hide. Now I just feel like I look unhinged!

I don't know if you want suggestions, so feel free to ignore this. This is what I do sometimes when I really hurt really badly:

I get warm in the bathroom, turn off the light, light a candle, and curl up on the floor with a pillow and blanket, and run the shower. Sometimes it sounds like the ocean, or a spring shower - and sometimes it's all my tears that I can't cry.

I go for a slow walk (sometimes in a figure 8, sometimes in my front room) and concentrate and big deep belly breaths.

I find a swing, or just rock myself back and forth (like when I had a baby on my hip, but there's no baby anymore).

I hope you find something that works for you

[Willowleaf]

Thank you Syra. That made me want to cry. I'm not sure I'm up to the bathroom thing but the shower being the tears I can't cry really resonated with me. Thank you for the other suggestions they reminded me of things I can try which I had forgotten and really need to try, but I am so tired I have no energy for all this pain anymore. I know this is what so many of us struggle with at times, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to bear.

Willow
How are you feeling now? Sorry you are having such a bad day. Did anything in particular happen that you would like to talk about?

[Willowleaf]

I thought it was an ok day, then I had time alone and did something to shut out the emotions that I regret and it just hit me. Is this it. Is this how I have to live my life. I cried and I never cry. Now I just feel exhausted and don't want to go on. But I will. I know I will. It just seems so pointless

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

I thought it was an ok day, then I had time alone and did something to shut out the emotions that I regret and it just hit me. Is this it. Is this how I have to live my life. I cried and I never cry. Now I just feel exhausted and don't want to go on. But I will. I know I will. It just seems so pointless

It won't be like this forever.

I've cried and cried and got exhausted. And couldn't think much ahead. And it seemed pointless. My goal was to get through the next 5 min., hour, day. But then I started crying less, and the time between crying sessions was longer. It won't be like this forever. For me, as much as I hate the hurt that comes when I cry, particularly deep sobs, the crying seems to somehow release some poison in me. I wonder if something like that happens for you?

[Willowleaf]

I'm going for a few minutes at a time, but the crying is so alien. I never cry. I think I have probably cried at most 3 or 4 times in the last 10 years and that was when something awful happened or people died.

[Raging Quiet]

Hope you are feeling better

I know my T says that crying is an emotional discharge and having BP in particular is all about opening the emotional channels over time.

Take care xx

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

I'm going for a few minutes at a time, but the crying is so alien. I never cry. I think I have probably cried at most 3 or 4 times in the last 10 years and that was when something awful happened or people died.

So in addition to dealing with the pain that caused the crying, this is an unfamiliar experience for you, so now you are dealing with your pain, AND your discomfort/curiosity/observations of crying. that sounds like a lot. Is it like that? I wonder if also you're afraid it will go on too long. And maybe don't understand and are confused? Is it like that?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

I'm going for a few minutes at a time, but the crying is so alien. I never cry. I think I have probably cried at most 3 or 4 times in the last 10 years and that was when something awful happened or people died.

I understand this because I have only cried about that much in that period of time too. And I have had a feeling like I was going to cry once this week - out of nowhere and I don't even know what brought it on. It is a very strange feeling indeed. I am sorry you are going through something so alien. It is very disconcerting I think.

[Willowleaf]

Originally Posted by Syra

So in addition to dealing with the pain that caused the crying, this is an unfamiliar experience for you, so now you are dealing with your pain, AND your discomfort/curiosity/observations of crying. that sounds like a lot. Is it like that? I wonder if also you're afraid it will go on too long. And maybe don't understand and are confused? Is it like that?

That makes sense I suppose. I keep crying but only for a few seconds each time. I hate crying, I was going to say especially when I am alone, but there is no way I would cry in front of other people. Yes it's really confusing and just adds another thing to deal with.

And stopdog yes it is very alien and disconcerting. I have had a feeling for a while, but it was still a massive surprise when it happened. Did you actually cry?

Thank you everyone for posting. Today has been so bad and worse I think as I had no idea this was coming. I think people here have saved me today. You can never know how grateful I am to everyone of you who has posted. I just hope I can get emotions back to some sense of normality soon.

[stopdog]

I did not actually cry. I was so weirded out over just the feeling of it, I don't know how I would have reacted to actually doing it.

[adel34]

Hi Willowleaf,
I'm sorry you're having a hard day. I have these moments all the time, feeling so overwhelmed and needing support yet wanting to hide. Growing up I was always criticized for crying too much and so now have a hard time just letting myself. So I get it.

Willow, I think that crying is good for you. You need it right now so don't fight it. Crying is so awful when we are alone and vulnerable but afterwards it feels better. I know for me, I feel like the end of the world is coming wwhen I cry but the relief afterwards is amazing.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. I don't cry much either but lately I am, even with people, but not ever with my T. I don't know if it's relevant, but the SE (the same as your bodywork in T) brings stuff up! My T told me that, so it could be why you're crying if you haven't been doing it very long (I forgot if you have or not) or are getting into it deeper.