More evidence of positive change!

Mar 17, 2013, 01:53 AM

Just wanted to share more recent evidence of the positive change that is taking place in me through all the hard work I've done with t in the last year plus.

At work recently, they announced openings for the training assistant program, it's not an actual position or raise in pay or anything but it is an honor to be chosen for it and does involve travel to other sites to assist in training. There was an application, 4 essay questions to answer each a minimum of 200 words, we had to get 2 recommendation letters from supervisors, and have our application signed off on by a manager. I have grown so much through my therapy work that I decided to go for it. So I did, and I followed through with it, and did all the required stuff and turned it in, and found out yesterday that I GOT IT! I'm so excited. I'm so proud of myself for not chickening out and for doing my best and really going for it and not being afraid and pulling back & not doing my best. No self-sabotaging at all, which a year ago I would still have done. Training starts this Tuesday. Go me!!

Then the second thing happened earlier today. Which in some ways is even more amazing than the first. My h threw this total temper tantrum in a store which I totally did not see coming and the comment I had made that set him off was in no way intended to affect him like that, he announced loudly fine let's just leave then and he flung my hand off of his arm and stomped out. Now as recently even as a month ago, I would burst into tears when he acted like that and take all the blame and everything on myself. Then he'd get mad and yell at me and I'd cry more.

Today, I said something very kind like "what the F is your problem?!" putting it all squarely on him where it belonged, followed him to the car, ignored his childlike behavior, and began singing along with the radio. Not a tear or a sniffle in sight. What a difference that was. He didn't like having it all put back on him so he got over himself pretty darn quickly and things went back to normal. Amazing.

Willowleaf · Mar 17, 2013, 04:00 AM

That's brilliant. It's great to hear how people do see positive changes. Congratulations on the job but wow really impressed with how you handled h. You must be so proud of yourself.

anilam · Mar 17, 2013, 04:24 AM

Yeah, go you!!!
Thanks for sharing.

Syra · Mar 17, 2013, 09:12 AM

I'm sitting here and smiling and pleased for you : )

Anne2.0 · Mar 17, 2013, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by artemis-within

Today, I said something very kind like "what the F is your problem?!" putting it all squarely on him where it belonged, followed him to the car, ignored his childlike behavior, and began singing along with the radio. Not a tear or a sniffle in sight. What a difference that was. He didn't like having it all put back on him so he got over himself pretty darn quickly and things went back to normal. Amazing.

Congratulations on the work success-- both in having the chutzpah to apply for the opportunity/promotion/good thing and for being selected.

I really appreciate you sharing this anecdote with your H, although I first thought it was a mistake when you wrote "H" and "temper tantrum"-- it's a funny-- but very appropriate given the context of his behavior in this instance-- way of describing how partners can respond when they don't get what they want.

But it's a great illustration of a couple of things that are very positive in a relationship-- one is that (as the almost cliche goes) you can't change other people, you can only change your own reaction to them. But because we do affect other people with our reaction to them, your anecdote shows very clearly that changing how we respond can lead to a more positive outcome. I've seen this repeatedly with my own H, and it underscores the importance for me of being aware of whether I automatically respond in a certain way or if I'm responding out of a mindfulness about what is happening in this moment and how I'd like the moment to continue, or not.

The second thing is understanding how we see what's "my stuff" and what's "his stuff." It can be so freeing to choose not to take responsibility for things that don't belong to us, or to take responsibility for fixing it. I still get wrapped up in the question alot about what's mine and what's his (maybe not a bad thing), but it seems to me that seeing clearly that it's not your stuff and acting accordingly but kindly as a response is a very healthy and mindful way to be.

And I'm glad that you can see and own your positive changes, and that you shared them here. Thank you!

rainbow8 · Mar 17, 2013, 10:23 AM

I'm happy for you!! Congratulations on getting into the training assistant program!

I admire the way you acted with your H, too! Keep up the good work!

refika · Mar 17, 2013, 10:43 AM

Congratulations on the accomplishments! The training program sounds like a fabulous opportunity. Even better news was how you handled the issue with your husband. This is great news...keep it up!