i think i am done

i don't have a lot to say about this session because not a lot went on before i left . i think i have reached completely unbearable levels of horrible feelings and my T cant seem to help at all.

i showed up at bout 4:59 for a 5:00 appointment .i heard my T call down at the desk about 5 after to see if i had arrived .the usual routine if the desk doesn't call her to let her know i am here. the lady said yes she has just got here. that was a lie!!!!i had already been there for 5 min. anyway my T seems to like to make me wait before she comes to get me so if i show up at 5 she will get me at 5 after. because the lady at the desk said i had just got there she waited another 5 min and was now 10 min late.

we got to her office and the hated chair was again way back away into the corner. i hate it when she does that .it feels so horrible to sit in it. again like i did something horribly wrong . as we sit down she says oh my goodness I'm running late. another LIE she had called down at 5 after she could have come and got me then. the worst was the music. she for some reason had classical music playing very loudly in her office and she didn't bother to shut it off or turn it down either .it was some radio station so there was talking also. it was like a huge assault to my body.it really was .i hated it.it was messing and confusing everything that was already spiraling in my head. i don't understand why she was doing what she was doing but i really did try to deal with it. i tried to sit in that horrible chair in the corner .deal with her lying, how horrible everything going on in that room,and the music. i tried to keep saying in my head this was not real.what i was seeing and feeling was not real it was in my head. but it wasn't. the only thing she said to me after about 5 min was SO ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR FIRST DAY OF SPRING?? she startled me because she needed to almost yell over the horrible music. i couldn't answer. after about 10 min i could not handle everything that was going on .i was in full blown emotional overload. and in a full panic .everything was way to big and i just kind of yelled i need to leave as i was getting up and left for good.

i am already feeling so humiliated from the session before when she told me i was like the mother and showed me this video about self care that had so much about narcissism in it. i know she must think that this is who i am. and this week she set out to prove it.that i couldn't even handle sharing the office with the music she wanted to listen to. hell she should be able to listen to the damn music if she wants .it is her office and i couldn't handle it at all.in fact i couldn't handle anything. i guess she proved her point. she didn't need to do all that .i had already accepted what she had said if she had just asked me. i know how disgusting i am .i know i am no piece of cake to work with at all. all she had to do is say it is time to refer me out .two sessions ago i asked her if she still thought i should still go there if i couldn't figure out how to talk to her about what i needed to. i gave her an out .she didn't need to go to such a huge extent to make me so insignificant that it tore me apart.

i know i need to start looking for a new T .i new last week i would not be able to go back but i tried.now it has been confirmed beyond words the extent that my T doesn't want me to be there. the problem is i am terrified to look for another T. i don't know how to start to talk to these people . i can't handle rejection very well right now (ain't that obvious lol). i know first i need to call my insurance and get the password to the website that has the list of approved T. i don't know if i am asking for help with this or not .i am terrified to do it .but i know that i need to be in T

I hope you can find one you are more comfortable with.
I don't think things can only be interpreted in the way that lead to the conclusion that she does not want you to be there, but it may be a different one might be a better fit.

Hi Granit,
I'm so so sorry this happened! I think the thing about her not getting you til ten minutes late is very strange, as well as the radio being on in the office! I've never heard of a t doing that.
Everytime you write about your t something confuses me. I know you're not talking for most of the session but people communicate nonverbally. I don't understand why she just sat there in silence, and didn't comment on how you looked upset or saw that things were getting increasingly overwhelming and commented on your facial expression body language ETC. The question about spring also seemed really weird as a first thing to say especially when you looked so upset.
I agree it's time to move on. I know it's scary searching for someone new especially when you're very sensitive and struggle so much with even talking. My suggestion as I mentioned before is to find a t that is an expressive arts therapist. There it doesn't matter if you don't talk, you're expressing feelings through movement, writing, sandtray, art, ETC. These types of ts also seem at least from my experience to be extremely intuitive and sensitive to what people are saying without words. If you need help searching in your area I can help with that. Also, the group I started on creative arts therapy might be interesting for you if this is something you want to explore.
I just don't think another traditional t could help with this, as it would all be made about whether you talk or not. An expressive arts t wouldn't care about this, and would have a full apreciation for what people say without words. Please let us know how things are going. And I'm sorry this is so painful right now!

The music and it's volume really seems to have bothered you granite. Did the mother ever play that type of music at a loud volume when you were a child?

My t never has music playing. There are no receptionists. He sets up the room with our dolls. Sometimes he goes to the bathroom - I have become amazingly comfortable with that! It is really nice not dealing with receptionists. And having an absolutely stable environment every week.

You do a LOT of work between sessions, way more than the average bear. It seems like you would benefit from a T who is now more attuned to you, rather than off doing her own thing.

I think having music playing without your permission is a violation of your boundaries. At the most basic level, you are paying for the session and it has nothing to do with her or what she wants to listen to for the duration of your time.

Granite...I was in t for 4 yrs not talking. You may remember that's how I was when I started on PC. I finally found out that some t's are really adept at helping you speak. As a matter of fact, that's one of the things I asked about when searching for a new t.

I agree with adel. This isn't you. I know people are going to say you are running away and such, but your relationship has not worked. Sometimes t is great, other times not so much. You have lived from session to session, maybe getting a good session every 4-5 weeks. You deserve more. Way more. Reach out and get what you deserve. Go for it Chickie. We are with you either way.

Have you ever had a male T? Maybe you'd benefit from finding one that reminded you more of your husband and less of your mother? Mine reminds me of Mr. Rogers and that works out fairly well.

I don't think she's rejecting you. However, I do see that you have TREMENDOUS difficulty seeing that.

So sorry to hear about this. I think playing music/the radio during your session is extremely rude and inconsiderate and I wouldn't be impressed.

I just want to say I know it is daunting looking for a new therapist, but don't give up. There will be one out there that is more suited to you. I felt very rejected when I finished with my first therapist but I have gone on to find one that is way better for me and I hope you can too

I am not sure that's true. I do think that's your interpretation of what happened. The music I find a little confusing because I think that's unusual, but they play music in the background at restaurants where people are expected to talk, and I wonder if your perception that it was loud was skewed because it was jarring and unexpected. It does seem kind of consistent with some of her other things like reading to you, because there is some research that shows that classical music is calming neurologically for people. I think she had the music on because she was hoping that it would be soothing and that it might lessen the silence that you sometimes feel is pressure to talk.

Really, I could take everything you have talked about and interpret it as either neutral (like the chair in the corner-- it's unlikely that she moved it in anticipating your arrival, probably another client moved it to be further away from her (you've seen people post here that they like to be further from T) and she didn't notice or didn't think it needed to be moved anywhere else-- or as her trying to help you. Like the video on self care, I cannot imagine that something on this topic was comparing it to narcissism-- everything I've read about self care emphasizes that it is NOT narcissistic to take care of yourself.

The question is really whether you want to be there. If you don't, then you should quit and make it about you. If you do want to be there, go back and explain how you felt all these things were pushing you away so your T understands. She can't read your mind and your reactions any more than you can read hers. I think it would be really a big step forward if you can tell her these things, so you can really understand that she doesn't think horrible things about you.

Find another therapist fast. She doesn't respect you or your issues. Very rude.

One thought, do you think she was testing you to see if you would take the initiative and ask her to turn down the music?

Even if that was the case, it is a passive aggressive way to deal with a patient. Not very professional.

Granite,

I tend to agree with Anne to a certain extent. And this is coming from personal experience...what I'm going through in therapy now. I really think you need to find a way to tell T these things in session. Will she not read something you write if you bring it to session? Could you make a recording and play it for her? I just think there is so much misunderstanding going on between you and your T.

You are well within your rights to try another therapist. Another style of therapy may very well make it easier. I know I am testing out a few other Ts. But no matter who your T is, I think you need to be able to present to them your reactions to therapy.

I really wish you the best of luck. I hope that I am not coming off as harsh.

I agree with the Wicked Chicky! (smile)
You've gone through this whole thing for way too long. I don't think you should have to explain these things to her if it's too painful and you simply can't. When I was in an overwhelmed place with the dance therapist when I saw her last she suggested we have a conversation in sound, which is really hard for me to do when I have a lot of feelings going on as I'm afraid of what will come out of my mouth. I rocked back and forth and said,"I just can't." She said,"You just did. You showed me with your body movements, you thought I'd be disappointed in you. I'm not, that's your truth."
It takes a special kind of t to do this, but while I wouldn't call it mind-reading, more an intuitive connection to the client, it is possible to find a t who can tune into you at a subtle level so that any little signal you put out will be picked up and respected. Particularly I'd say with a dance/movement therapist or drama therapist, as they're trained so carefully at looking at nonverbal stuff. I wouldn'tt worry yourself with thinking about going back there and saying anything. It's stressful enough looking for someone new.

Hi Granite,

I'm sorry you feel so awful about how your therapy is going. I'd just like to point out that (like me), you tend to interpret other peope's behavior and make assumptions without checking to see if your perceptions are correct. For example, the fact that your t didn't come get you right away made you feel like she wanted to make you wait. But there are other possible explanations. Maybe she got an emergency page during her last session and had to respond quickly before coming to get you. Maybe she had to go to the bathroom.

Also, I don't think she lied when she said she was running late. She came to get you 10 minutes late, and she was acknowleding that she was running behind.

The music thing seems odd, but maybe she thought it would help relax you since you have such a hard time calming down and being able to talk.

Also, I read about your earlier session, where she shared information with you on narcissism. I didn't get the impression at all that she was trying to say the YOU were a narcissist. My interpretation was that she was trying to help you realize that your mother was a narcisisist. Children of narcissists often don't feel valuable or worth being cared about, which may be why she was emphasing self-care for you. She wants you to value yourself and feel that you are worth taking care of.

I could be wrong about all this. But my point is that you can interpret somebody's words or behavior in lots of different ways, and assume that they have a certain motive (good or bad). But you really don't know what she meant, or what her motive was, unless you start asking her in the moment when she says or does something that bothers you.

I hope I didn't hurt or offend you. I don't mean to come on too strong. But I just see that you do the same thing I do alot, which is assume that what people say or do is somehow geared negatively toward us. It's easy to think that way when we've been treated badly so much in the past. But it's only fair to check out your perceptions with your t before you start assuming that she doesn't want to work with you anymore, that she wants to make you wait, that she lies, and that she plays irritating music to irritate you.

Having said that though, it's possible that maybe your t and you aren't a good enough fit. It seems that she does push you pretty hard to speak up when it's so difficult for you. And she doesn't give in and let you share things in written form. If you find that you just can't share as openly as she wants you to, and you can't seem to feel comfortable or trusting of her, you might find a better fit with a different t.

PS - I wonder if you would benefit more from an arts therapy type approach, similar to some of the things that Adel has done with her t's. What do you think?

Granite,

Another thing I could be totally wrong about. . .Since you do have alot of trouble speaking up about your feelings, I wonder if your t played the music to see how you would respond. For example, would you feel comfortable enough to speak up and tell her that you didn't like it, or that it was too loud?

just a thought. . .

i think you should try another therapy approach. my therapist contacted an EMDR T to help me, because traditional talking wasn't working. i am doing both, but doing something that isn't so related to talking has really helped. the more i am reading about the brain connection and trauma, the more i understand that talking therapy can only take you so far. you HAVE improved with this T, but maybe you need to try something else. I think an art therapist or something would be amazing for you. you are an artist and can express yourself so well through your art. an art therapist could look at a drawing and get so so so much out of it. and it is different talking about your drawing then sitting there trying to talk about yoru feeelings or past.

Hi Granite, I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time. You work so hard and you deserve to be respected and really heard. You're so artistic with the cards you make that you share with us, they're so cool, and the zentangle thing. I think you'd really do well with an arts therapy approach, like the sand play that I did with my t (and still do on my own at home, I made my own sand tray) and there are other art type therapies too. You can let your hands talk for you in the sand or whatever medium. I went into a session not wanting to talk more than once and did a really powerful sand tray each time - when I was done they spoke so much to both myself and t. It's amazing. I wish all the best for you. You deserve to be heard and be respected! Hugs to you.

If how I see something does not make sense to me, I discard it, no matter how I feel about it. You gave her a really good out and she did not take it. The only logical conclusion I can make from that is that she did not want you out.

If I think about other people and cannot see good reason for them to be unkind to me, my feeling they are being unkind is suspect to me because it does not make sense. It's like meeting people for the first time and thinking they are thinking bad things about you when they probably are not because they don't know you well enough yet.

We can think stuff in our head but that does not make it true. We tell ourselves stories and that's what we're trying to help ourselves with; learning to get better information by talking to the other people around us, "Hey, here's what I think, does this sound right to you?" That is what anger is for, to say, "Hey, that music is so loud I can't hear myself think!" and the other person, apologizes and turns it down/off, saying, "Oh! I'm sorry, I find it relaxing and was hoping you would enjoy it too but if it bothers you I'll turn it off".

I did not understand about anger until a boss was angry and blaming me for something I knew was not true. I kept telling him my truth and eventually he listened, checked his facts, and found I was correct and apologized profusely. Looking back at how scared I was and what I'd done and that I had survived :-) I realized that yeah, it was scary but look how it turned out. Even if he had never listened and had fired me, I knew my truth and was faithful to it. That's my real job, being true to my truth and letting those around me know what that truth is so they can know "Me".

With my T I was scared and really sarcastic whenever I had to speak up. I would have hedged my bets and said, "Can I move this chair into the room or are you punishing me for something I don't know about?" That probably would have embarrassed my T (or I would have felt it would) because I'd be thinking like you that she should have noticed and moved it back. But that's not her job, to put my chair where I like it. I got so I just moved the chair when I came in the room (My therapy chair was a big La-z-boy and it would get in the corner and you couldn't lean back and I hated that).

I still remember the day when she called down the hall from the room for me to come down for my session, instead of coming out to the waiting room to get me. I made a snide remark about that and then was horrified; her foot was up on the footrest and bandaged; she'd sprained her ankle a day or two earlier. Here I'd thought she was being high and mighty and was ordering me about (like my stepmother), oops. . .

Therapists are supposed to be caring healers and to know something about human nature. But they can sometimes be incredibly clueless.

i have e-mailed 2 potential T's. i am not good at this at all. i am terrified of the next step .telling my T .i have already quit via e-mail .i sent her an e-mail saying i guess i'm don'e and sorry .maybe that is enough.i know it will be miserable to go and see her knowing that i am leaving .

Hi Granit,
Good for you for e-mailing two potential ts! My experience has been that they get back to people pritty fast especially on e-mail.
I wouldn't worry about going in to see your t. I think if you said you're done by e-mail that's enough. It's not the recommended way to end therapy, but in your case sessions are so stressful to begin with I wouldn't put yourself through any more stress that could be prevented.
So did you find thets on psychology today or somewhere? What are their rofiles like? I really hope you find the perfect fit for you!

Good for you granite-were they specialized i trauma? Do they do any sort of arts? I think it might be good for you to write in your emails that you have a really hard time talking so you were asking these questions in email. You now have a better idea of what you want; utilize it! also i agree with Perna.