[CantExplain]

I've been with my current group for over a year now, bur I still don't feel I belong there. I feel I don't understand them and they don't understand me. I haven't felt this alienated from a set of people since before I started therapy twenty years ago. I hoped to draw strength from this group, but I find I need strength from other sources just to stay here.

This is not my first group. In my previous group I felt loved and accepted. Why can't I find those feelings here?

I have raised these questions at the group, but I always felt insulted and rejected by their response. My wife says to dump them.

My current T was a facilitator at my previous group, so perhaps she can explain what bound me to it. Perhaps, of course, it was her physical presence. Perhaps it was the fact that no one there called me a fecking arsehole.

[likewater]

Yikes! Get out of that awful group. I agree with ypur wife. Sorry that happened to you Cant explain. No one deserves to be sworn at , especially not in therapy.yowsers.

[Perna]

I don't know that group therapy is for "love and acceptance", more for challenging us? I was in a group for 10+ years and was pretty uncomfortable the whole time but did not feel it was them, but me. I did get to know the people though and didn't feel they were out to get me (actually, I did feel that for awhile but then my individual T and I discussed it and I realize my perception was from my head, not my experience). Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to your old T if you can?

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( Can't Explain ))))))))))))

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't know that group therapy is for "love and acceptance", more for challenging us? I was in a group for 10+ years and was pretty uncomfortable the whole time but did not feel it was them, but me. I did get to know the people though and didn't feel they were out to get me (actually, I did feel that for awhile but then my individual T and I discussed it and I realize my perception was from my head, not my experience). Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to your old T if you can?

I believe there is a contract: you don't have the right to challenge me until you've shown me some empathy first.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't know that group therapy is for "love and acceptance", more for challenging us? I was in a group for 10+ years and was pretty uncomfortable the whole time but did not feel it was them, but me. I did get to know the people though and didn't feel they were out to get me (actually, I did feel that for awhile but then my individual T and I discussed it and I realize my perception was from my head, not my experience). Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to your old T if you can?

Love and acceptance is what I'm looking for. No one seems to think that acceptance is an unreasonable aim. They say they accept me but I cannot feel it.

I'm very sorry that you never felt comfortable in that group even after 10 years. Did you and your T ever find out where the cognitive distortion came from?

[gashly]

That sucks. I've been in the situation where I felt that a group in the past wasn't a good fit and moved on. I wasn't called a fecking arsehole or anything (actually that might have made it more interesting...). It just didn't feel "right" to me at the time. Whether or not that was a good call, I don't know. But I don't regret it. I gave it the college try.

I guess the question is whether you've hit a triggering issue that you should stick around and work it out with the group, or if it's really just not a good fit and you should try out another group. You have nothing to lose by trying to settle things that are bothering you.

I've gone through a different group that I wanted to quit at a few points point, but instead really pushed through what was bothering me and it led to interesting developments. It was challenging, and I actually learned a few things.

I have to say though, abusive language towards others wasn't permitted in the group. There were times when a couple of things crossed the line, and something mean was said without any constructive criticism, but that was worked out then and there and not allowed to get out of hand.

[granite1]

((cantexplain))it sounds like you are looking for suport from the group you are in and are not feeling this at all.kind of stinks.is there another group you can try.i dont know how this works i wouldnt be good in a group.couldnt speak at all never could and it would end out turing into a power thing with other members.it seems like it is something that could work for you and has in the past.i hope you will be able to find a group that may work better

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by gashly

I guess the question is whether you've hit a triggering issue that you should stick around and work it out with the group, or if it's really just not a good fit and you should try out another group. You have nothing to lose by trying to settle things that are bothering you.

I've gone through a different group that I wanted to quit at a few points point, but instead really pushed through what was bothering me and it led to interesting developments. It was challenging, and I actually learned a few things.

My T thinks I should stay so as to learn about disappointment and rejection. I'll never get a better chance!

[CantExplain]

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again...

In spite of what I said at the start, the rudeness is not the real problem. The real problem is that I can't connect.

This failure to connect is something I've seen before. I had essentially the same problem with T two years ago. I was reaching out to her and I could feel her reaching back but somehow we never met. And I served out my four week termination period and I walked away.

What brought me back, was a suggestion by T that we see a third person, effectively for couple counselling.

Is that what I have to do? Go with the group facilitator to a third party?

But in the meantime, I can say to T: what could we have done differently that might have let us connect before I walked away?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again...

In spite of what I said at the start, the rudeness is not the real problem. The real problem is that I can't connect.

This failure to connect is something I've seen before. I had essentially the same problem with T two years ago. I was reaching out to her and I could feel her reaching back but somehow we never met. And I served out my four week termination period and I walked away.

What brought me back, was a suggestion by T that we see a third person, effectively for couple counselling.

Is that what I have to do? Go with the group facilitator to a third party?

But in the meantime, I can say to T: what could we have done differently that might have let us connect before I walked away?

it's hard to say CANT.but anything is worth a try if you are still wanting to make a go of it in this group.is the group leader willing to meet with you and a third party?that might be a good start.

[CantExplain]

A slivver of insight.

As an Aspergic, whenever I get lost, I try to take control of the situation. But this group in particular refuses to let me do that. I think the previous group granted me some kind of seniority (which I had earned by being in the group the longest), and that was OK.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

((cantexplain))it sounds like you are looking for suport from the group you are in and are not feeling this at all.kind of stinks.is there another group you can try.i dont know how this works i wouldnt be good in a group.couldnt speak at all never could and it would end out turing into a power thing with other members.it seems like it is something that could work for you and has in the past.i hope you will be able to find a group that may work better

Thanks. There aren't that many groups in my city. And one thing I have learned, is there's no point in leaving if you are going to take your problems with you. So I'd like to get a handle on what makes this group so difficult for me.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Thanks. There aren't that many groups in my city. And one thing I have learned, is there's no point in leaving if you are going to take your problems with you. So I'd like to get a handle on what makes this group so difficult for me.

i kind of did this with my T because i couldnt talk to the one i had before her and left and never went back becausse he gave me what i thought was an altimatum about talking.i decided to stay with this one and see if i can work it through.she said she could help me with the silence.i think it is awsome you are going to try and stick with this.i know it isnt easy.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

she said she could help me with the silence.

And she has!

[CantExplain]

Something interesting has happened.

Woke up this morning thinking, why is it such a big deal whether I connect or not? And what's the hurry anyway?

If I can't be an insider, maybe I can enjoy being an outsider. If the group refuses to be my family, maybe they can play some other role.

If I lower my expectations, there is no disappointment, no rejection, no problem.

[roads]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

My T thinks I should stay so as to learn about disappointment and rejection. I'll never get a better chance!

I can go to work, try to plan something nice for an acquaintance, or any number or other things & experience disappointment & rejection. Why is getting it from a group better?

I ought to admit this disclaimer...
I've never done group therapy. I don't know what it would be like.

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

I can go to work, try to plan something nice for an acquaintance, or any number or other things & experience disappointment & rejection.

LOL. Seriously, though, CE, I was in group therapy a bunch of years ago, a survivors group led by a therapist, and I quit after 6 months because I didn't feel connected.

A few months later I joined a self-led support survivors group, and stayed for 6 years, until I left town. When I came back to town, I visited my group members.

You know you can find connection because of your previous experience in group T. You know you're capable of it. As RR said most amusingly, there is ample rejection and disappointment out there in the world, do you really have to pay for it in group T?

It would be your choice to decide to leave for lack of connection-- I think that group T, just like individual T, requires a connection/s in order to be effective. If you're not getting that, I don't think you're getting much. Anne

[granite1]

just wondering how long it took you to feel connected and a part of your las group. could it have taken a while then and it was so long ago you dont remember feeling disconnected and not a part of it in the beginning

Originally Posted by CantExplain

A slivver of insight.

As an Aspergic, whenever I get lost, I try to take control of the situation. But this group in particular refuses to let me do that. I think the previous group granted me some kind of seniority (which I had earned by being in the group the longest), and that was OK.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Thanks. There aren't that many groups in my city. And one thing I have learned, is there's no point in leaving if you are going to take your problems with you. So I'd like to get a handle on what makes this group so difficult for me.

There is a LOT of insight in these posts!

My first instinct was to say "go find another group!"...because my only experience is in 12 step groups, and when I sit in a group for a while and feel uncomfortable for whatever reason, I can easily leave and find another group. Different groups are made up of different personalities, and the group itself has it's own "personality", and when it doesn't feel right, I can move on (because, of course, there are 12 step meetings around the clock all over the place)

But after reading your insights above, I started thinking of group therapy more as "therapy" and less as "group". I have had to go through many, MANY rough patches in therapy when I wanted to quit, when the connection felt "wrong", when I just wanted to get as far away from T as possible...and now I see that those times are the times I ended up taking the biggest leaps forward.

My son has aspergers, and social situations can be really hard for him. He's 11, so I can guide him through it, encourage him to stay when he would rather leave, help him see what he can change about his reactions. It sounds like your T (those wonderful parents we never had! ) is doing this for you.

I suppose there IS a point in group therapy where people might realize "this isn't the right group for me"...just like people do with individual therapists...and I really think one of the hardest things to tease out is when we're in a situation that just won't work for us vs. when we're struggling with our own "issues" and reactions.

From what you've said about your T, it doesn't sound like she would encourage you to stay in a situation that's not good for you. Since I've been with my T for many years, and he's shown me time and again that he cares for me, he's safe, and he has my best interests at heart, sometimes I just make the decision to trust what he tells me about things. I wonder if this is one of those points for you...a point where you can make a decision to just trust T, and to stick it out a little while longer to see what you might discover?

No matter what, it sounds painful. I often tell T that this system...where pain and growth seem to go hand and hand...seriously stinks!

Thinking of you

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

just wondering how long it took you to feel connected and a part of your las group. could it have taken a while then and it was so long ago you dont remember feeling disconnected and not a part of it in the beginning

Wise and true. But I don't remember feeling as bad as this. Must ask my T: she was there!

However, I do remember this: I never announced I was leaving that previous group. I have done that here (went back straight away).

[CantExplain]

The wretched facilitator is still pestering me.

Technically he is entitled to do this because I left without giving four week's notice, but can't he see I'm not coming back?

Grrrrrrrr!

[sunrise]

So, you left the group? Does the facilitator want to know why?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by sunrise

So, you left the group? Does the facilitator want to know why?

He wants me to come back and tell him why. Which I refuse to do.
I would be happy to email him some reasons but he refuses to read them.

One of us is being childish, but which one?

[stopdog]

Can you block or screen his calls? I am would get really pissed if they tracked me down after I quit. You do not owe him an explanation and certainly not in person unless you think it would help you.