[Abby]

I am confused. I think my therapy is ending and I am not sure if it is what I want. I can't tell my therapist that I trust her, nor can I say that she is being helpful, and she feels it is a positive for me to end and move forward with my life, and I feel it is positive that I have more energy not being in therapy and we both think that at the moment therapy might not be able to offer all I want...and all that leaves me feeling overwhelmed and confused....because although I have been doing more in the last year than I have for a few years, and this is a big positive, I still feel worthless and that doesn't seem to count for anything. That I left because I was too tired from not feeling heard yet feeling the overwhelming pressure to accept her being authentic and telling me she was angry at me doesn't appear to be important.

It sounds stupid but I feel like I did as a child, I would get good grades, be polite and everyone assumed that I was okay, and then worse, told me how well I was doing and that left me confused because I felt so much pain but I was doing well? I'm genuinely tired of telling everyone that this abstract pain that they can't see feels overwhelming. May be it isn't important? May be I am being over-sensitive/thinking too much? I feel like everyone just wants to hear and see what they want...then I am fearful that actually it is me that is seeing and hearing what I 'want'!

I'm sick and tired of my family being polite and kind, saying "I can tell you've had a tough time" but not actually sitting down with me to ask me how I feel and if I want to talk. I am sick of me not feeling able to say "I would like you to sit down and listen to how I feel". I am sick of going away and being on my own crying and ending up hurting myself because I don't know what else to do - how else to demonstrate things are not all okay! And I am sick of the fact that because I have a semblance of a life means no one acknowledges all the things I should be and want to do! I want to scream at them all and make them feel how awful it is to be shut down inside out of fear! Then I realise the only person stopping me is me and they aren't asking me how I feel because I don't always like to talk and they are waiting for me to ask, and my therapist can’t talk me into being able to accept myself or anyone else. I need to make that leap of faith and I know it but I can’t. So I end up hurting myself some more.

I feel empty and I don't think there is anywhere else to go. I think this is it.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Abby, have you told T these words?

wondering - How often do you see her?
Maybe you need a break of a specific number of weeks/months
and see how that feels

or maybe just to space out appointments
and see how that feels

How long have the two of you been working together? maybe you are not "done", but this T has taken you as far as she can?

You are obviously hurting very much. I hope you find your answers.

Abby,
I hate that you are hurting so much right now but like SAWE said above have you told your t the above? How you really feel?
I think that unless you have been through some abstract pain, it is hard for other to understand or have empathy for us- that is why we go to therapy so someone can tell us our pain is normal and it is ok to feel like this. Please don't punish yourself by SI, does your t know about this? Please stay safe until you see your t again

I am sorry you are hurting...you might need a different therapist, or a different kind of therapy? I can relate a WHOLE lot to what you wrote though, so I feel your pain, anger, and frustration as well.

[adel34]

I can relate to people not thinking there's a problem because things look so good on the outside. And about wishing people would understand but then not reaching out. I hope things get better.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I still feel worthless and that doesn't seem to count for anything.

I feel like I did as a child

I felt so much pain

I'm sick and tired of my family being polite and kind, saying "I can tell you've had a tough time" but not actually sitting down with me to ask me how I feel and if I want to talk. I am sick of me not feeling able to say "I would like you to sit down and listen to how I feel".

to be shut down inside out of fear!

Then I realise the only person stopping me is me and they aren't asking me how I feel because I don't always like to talk and they are waiting for me to ask, and my therapist can’t talk me into being able to accept myself or anyone else. I need to make that leap of faith and I know it but I can’t.

Maybe actions are what are needed now?

[lifelesstraveled]

I don't have any advice b/c I am in the very same situation as you. I get it 1000%.

I hope you are able to share this with your T. Maybe you can print up what you wrote and give it to T. Maybe she doesn't know you are still hurting.

(and maybe I will try to explain it to my T too)

[cool09]

When you refer to "T" what kind of therapist are you talking about? (psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.)

[Abby]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Abby, have you told T these words?

wondering - How often do you see her?
Maybe you need a break of a specific number of weeks/months
and see how that feels

or maybe just to space out appointments
and see how that feels

How long have the two of you been working together? maybe you are not "done", but this T has taken you as far as she can?

You are obviously hurting very much. I hope you find your answers.

Yeah I've told her everything. I did see her 2x per week but have been on a break, and back on it again for a few weeks. I've been with her approx. 4 years (not always 2x per week!) which is probably too long. I am confused by it all because I've told her that I haven't felt therapy was helping me because I was getting really upset by each session and that was making me too exhausted in my real life, so she assumes from this that perhaps therapy isn't what I need and we should simply stop asap. A few week before my break I told I came to therapy because I didn't feel I had a choice as I had to do something that could potentially make things better because I wasn't willing to keep living with how thing are currently...but this has been forgotten? I feel like everything has spiralled out of control. I can't tell if this is for the best or not because I've not been happy for a while with therapy but I know I won't see anyone else because I don't want to go through it all again yet I don't know how happy I am now with my life as it is.

Originally Posted by button30

Abby,
I hate that you are hurting so much right now but like SAWE said above have you told your t the above? How you really feel?
I think that unless you have been through some abstract pain, it is hard for other to understand or have empathy for us- that is why we go to therapy so someone can tell us our pain is normal and it is ok to feel like this. Please don't punish yourself by SI, does your t know about this? Please stay safe until you see your t again

I feel confused. I feel angry and hurt. I feel like I want to trust her but I can't. I can't hear what she is saying properly. I can't tell what I want so I can't clearly explain it except to tell her what we were doing stopped working for me...because I want to feel less pain but I don't even know if its feasible or realistic and expectation. Yeah my therapist knows I hurt myself to cope, she has suggested ideas in the past to help me stop but I'm useless because I can't honestly say I want to stop simply because when I feel that bad I want to be violent because it is my voice and the only way I feel like I matter...even if no one knows. I should stop.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe actions are what are needed now?

Yeah. I need to find my voice to scream out loud instead of stuffing it inside all the time. I need to find a way to get past my fears and trust people. I need to accept myself. And I know I have been at this point 10, 20, 100x before and never been able to take the actions needed... <-- but that self-pity loops me straight back into my issues! Gah!

Originally Posted by cool09

When you refer to "T" what kind of therapist are you talking about? (psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.)

Psychologist would probably be the best term for her. I've never asked for her title tbh.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I need to find my voice to scream out loud instead of stuffing it inside all the time. I need to find a way to get past my fears and trust people. I need to accept myself.

So what is holding you back?

[archipelago]

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can feel the pain all over my own body, that's how much it comes across. I happen to believe in therapy, especially if you are in so much pain and clearly don't feel understood at all. But it sounds like this particular relationship isn't working at all for you so as painful as it is, it sounds like ending it might be better than continuing on the way you are.

Perhaps go to a group for a while and then see if you want to find a new therapist. Sometimes making a shift like that can really change things. It's not for sure and not a miracle cure, but if you are in so much pain and can't find relief on your own then seeking out other ways seems the next thing to try.

If you just don't believe in therapy after this experience, maybe some other sort of activity might help you. I myself found being creative something that helped me through a difficult period. You don't have to be an artist to use expressive techniques for soothing and grounding. And the nice thing about many creative activities is that they don't really cost hardly anything, don't require special talents or techniques. You just open yourself and do your thing and see what happens. It may sound a bit shallow. I hope not. It is only a small offering of a single possibility. There's a creative group opening up here that might be something different to try. Sorry if I'm not helping. It's just that it sounds like you are so pent up and about to explode that it seems like even little things might help while you figure out a more solid plan.

[tinyrabbit]

It does sound like this T isn't right for you and another one could be more helpful.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So what is holding you back?

I'm scared. I have no reason to be scared and I despise saying this because it sounds like an excuse... I can't figure out what it could be besides that though, unless it is either habit or deep down I genuinely enjoy making myself miserable!

Originally Posted by iota

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can feel the pain all over my own body, that's how much it comes across. I happen to believe in therapy, especially if you are in so much pain and clearly don't feel understood at all. But it sounds like this particular relationship isn't working at all for you so as painful as it is, it sounds like ending it might be better than continuing on the way you are.

Perhaps go to a group for a while and then see if you want to find a new therapist. Sometimes making a shift like that can really change things. It's not for sure and not a miracle cure, but if you are in so much pain and can't find relief on your own then seeking out other ways seems the next thing to try.

If you just don't believe in therapy after this experience, maybe some other sort of activity might help you. I myself found being creative something that helped me through a difficult period. You don't have to be an artist to use expressive techniques for soothing and grounding. And the nice thing about many creative activities is that they don't really cost hardly anything, don't require special talents or techniques. You just open yourself and do your thing and see what happens. It may sound a bit shallow. I hope not. It is only a small offering of a single possibility. There's a creative group opening up here that might be something different to try. Sorry if I'm not helping. It's just that it sounds like you are so pent up and about to explode that it seems like even little things might help while you figure out a more solid plan.

Thank you It will sounds stupid but I often feel like I am a shadow or in a film or something. I know I am me but it doesn't make sense at the same time. The worst thing about therapy ending is that I regret that it wasn't enough to satisfy me. I'm sad that I feel she thinks we should end because it will positive for me to move on because it misses the point that I don't feel there is any point to it all. I'm pretty good at coping and making all the right steps but if it all feels as though like a mirage it gets hard to keep going.

I will try and do something creative. Maybe something very hands on crafty rather than drawing or painting. I find that exercise helps me and focusing on work can be a big distraction from life too. Little things are all I can do right now I think because I'm a bit frozen!

[Syra]

I'm trying to see if I understand you. You don't feel this therapist is giving you that much help. You don't trust her. But you're not sure you want to give up on therapy. You have a lot more energy, but you still feel worthless and you don't want to feel that way. Further, she doesn't seem to care about you feeling worthless and pressures you to accept her authenticity and you are tired of struggling wtih that.

You're good on putting on a "good face" so you will be accepted - and home and with the therapist - except that it isn't really you that is accepted, it's the front you put on to be accepted. And inside you have A LOT of pain that no one knows about and no one cares about. You're tired of the patterns in your family that keep you from seeking comfort from them, and that keep them from offering comfort to you. So you go away by yourself and hurt your self so you can demonstrate how much it hurts because you really care about how much you hurt and want to find a way to take better care of yourself.

You feel really shut down, and when you think hard about it, while it would be nice to have your family be more responsive, you realize you have to tell them for them to respond.

You say you feel empty, and you also talk about a lot of pain that is inside, and a lot of parts of you that you would like to bring out but can't.

Is that what it's like? Is it different? Is there more?

That sounds like a really confusing place to be. Is it confusing? or something else?

[Abby]

When it is written out like that I can understand why my therapist always says "its complicated" and why I still don't have any clear understanding of it all despite all the therapy! I would say Syra that you pretty much managed to summarise my life - a bunch of conflictions and opposites! Honestly if I were someone else reading this I'd say "this person has no idea what their issue is so how on earth does she expect to solve it/ask for support/seek advice"...I might even go as far as saying "this makes so little sense it has to be made up" but then I'm a cynic and its me so I'm perhaps a bit biased when judging how ridiculous it all looks short-hand! It is confusing. I feel like I am both up and down at the same time, left and right together, stood on my head whilst standing on my feet! It makes no sense! Hence why I want to jump inside someone else figure out where all the pieces of the puzzle go so I can sort myself out!

[Sannah]

I was scared working through a lot of stuff. You have to push through it.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Abby

When it is written out like that I can understand why my therapist always says "its complicated" and why I still don't have any clear understanding of it all despite all the therapy! I would say Syra that you pretty much managed to summarise my life - a bunch of conflictions and opposites! Honestly if I were someone else reading this I'd say "this person has no idea what their issue is so how on earth does she expect to solve it/ask for support/seek advice"...I might even go as far as saying "this makes so little sense it has to be made up" but then I'm a cynic and its me so I'm perhaps a bit biased when judging how ridiculous it all looks short-hand! It is confusing. I feel like I am both up and down at the same time, left and right together, stood on my head whilst standing on my feet! It makes no sense! Hence why I want to jump inside someone else figure out where all the pieces of the puzzle go so I can sort myself out!

I'm familiar with a life of conflictions and opposites.

I hear that you recognize polar experiences (something we all have). And that you are starting to sort it out. I'm constantly working with polar parts. A part that wants to walk away from something, and another part that tells me it's not kind and I will regret walking away. A part that wants to be taken care of and a part that wants to be independent. I don't know if it's like that for others. Is it like that for you? or is it different?

I hear you being very articulate about all the confusing things going on inside of you. That seems like a good skill. Does it feel good? or am I totally missing it.

[Sabra]

"I've told her that I haven't felt therapy was helping me because I was getting really upset by each session and that was making me too exhausted in my real life, so she assumes from this that perhaps therapy isn't what I need and we should simply stop asap."

I am totally gobsmacked that she would suggest ending therapy asap. I have never heard of any therapist doing this. You have been seeing her for over 4 years and her solution is stopping asap? Nope....there should have been several meetings before closure.

IMHO she is in way over her head. Check around and see about other therapists in your area. Start interviewing for a new T. You certainly deserve better than what you got.

Sabra

[Meisjes]

Abby, would you consider taking what you wrote to your next T session and reading it to your T just the way you wrote it? it makes a lot of sense. It sounds like you really struggle hard with being able to say what is going on for you, and what you would like to have others do for/with you to support you.

I remember going through the same anxious thoughts about leaving T - had so much self doubt. Weaning off T seemed a good thing to do - was still a challenge but it wasn't cold turkey and still had the option of asking for more T if something came up. The T never closed the door, it was me that thought I had to close it in order to prove myself independent. In hindsight, think it doesn't matter so much.

[jewel2560]

Abby, first of all do not say what you're thinking might be stupid of unimportant. That's not true.
For a long time my family saw and heard what they wanted to see and it did make me feel nuts, we need support. But being polite doesn't always get you what you need because then they do think everything is ok. I did the same thing, let them believe the lie and then would cry and hurt myself afterwards. You need to get it out and let them know the truth. At least for me, screaming and letting all out, maybe not at people but in front of them even, it lessens the pain and has made me feel less empty because even if it doesn't make sense I am being heard. I promise this isn't it.