[ShaggyChic_1201]

I've been seeing my T since Jan 2011 every week. Then, finally, in December 2012, we mutually decided that I was doing so well, I could cut back to every other week. I was more proud of that accomplishment than anything else I've done to date. I had no more symptoms of my ED, I had set boundaries with my husband and was holding to them. Because I felt empowered, everything seemed so much better.

Then I set one more boundary - ok, I gave an ultimatum to my H. I felt good and bad about it. Good that I was strong enuff to do it, and bad that I was in the situation I was in. He promised to change. Demanded more time. I started to waiver - mentally. In my heart, I knew he wouldn't really change and that things would go back to being awful, but ... he said, so I believed. Because I want to be a good, trusting and Godly wife.

Then things went downhill. He felt desperate to control me again, so that I'd drop my "ridiculous" ultimatum and I could go back to things being "right" again. His manipulations got bolder and I got more confused. I posted about my confusion on the relationship forum and discussed it with my T. She was worried. Said I had regressed. My codependence was firing on all cylinders and I had lost my true self. I had no idea if I had the right to my own thoughts and feelings. I started to wonder if maybe it was the way H said it was - God gave him the thoughts and plans for the family and he passed them on to me.

And then I lost my every other week status.

But all is not lost and all is not hopeless. I went back to T last week and told her I had talked to divorce attorney and was filing papers on the 27th of March. Which happens to be tomorrow. There were logistical reasons for me to wait having to do with changes in how divorces are processed in my county, plus my H has been on vacation (w/o me, of course).

I don't know when he's coming back, but he thinks he's coming back to stay. His parting words were that I was a selfish hypocrit and that if I prayed hard enough, things would be all right. I need to unharden my heart, forgive him and get back into the fold. I need to confess my sins and most importantly, I need to be there for my husband.

But what I really want is to be healthy and well enough to be a monthly patient of my T. And staying married to my H is not going to facilitate that. So I'm choosing me instead.

Thanks for reading. I don't expect kudos, but would love hugs and pocket riders for my appointments tomorrow.

Bub

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

I don't expect kudos

But you certainly deserve them. Making the choice to take care of yourself is one of the bravest smartest things you could do.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by pbutton

But you certainly deserve them. Making the choice to take care of yourself is one of the bravest smartest things you could do.

Agreed! I'm quite impressed

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm so glad to hear that you're doing what you need to in order to take care of YOU. I am nervous for you and excited for you at the same time. (( HUGS ))

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

I started to wonder if maybe it was the way H said it was - God gave him the thoughts and plans for the family and he passed them on to me.

There aren't too many things I know for sure, but one of them is that G-d doesn't speak through people who abuse other people. If G-d has a plan, it's for each person in a relationship and a family to feel whole, and good, and right. If this isn't happening, then it isn't G-d.

Faith and religion can be wonderful influences in people's lives, but they can also be distorted, and twisted, and used to serve the needs of people claiming to be acting under the direction of G-d. And it has always seemed to me that those that truly are acting under spiritual influence never need to invoke it as their justification.

I am sorry that it didn't turn out the other way for your marriage, but if you had to choose, it makes sense to me that you chose yourself. Without a you, there's really not a marriage, there is just a shell of a human being married to another. You deserve to be proud, and if I had a stack of kudos, I'd hand them all out to you.

[Perna]

Good luck with the lawyer today, keep us informed please :-)

[tinyrabbit]

What Anne said. Major kudos to you.

i'll pocket ride. scoot over please...

i don't think therapy causes divorce. (my-ex h thinks otherwise)
i think i became strong enough to put me first for once. best decision of mine and my children's life.

it is hard. and hard to listen to t and listen to ourselves and listen to h... all at the same time.

i finally told h what i had told my kids so many times.
"i love you but i don't like your behavior"

good luck to you; sending safe hugs

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

But what I really want is to be healthy and well enough to be a monthly patient of my T. And staying married to my H is not going to facilitate that. So I'm choosing me instead.

Bub

I am glad that you are able to focus your energy on being healthy. The weekly appointments are only temporary support, and nothing to feel bad about.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Thanks all! Totally felt you in my pockets. It was warm and cozy.

I told my T today about my desire to be a monthly patient and she said that if I wasn't married to H and dealing with so much stress from that end, I would have definitely moved to monthly meetings by now. That may have been offering me a bit of what I wanted to hear, but it worked! I felt happy.

Today the pastor came to visit me. He had agreed to take all the firearms out of the house before H returns tomorrow. Pastor has many years pastoral & counseling experience and I was expecting him to advocate that I stay with H at all costs. Marriage being sacred vow and all that. To my surprise, he asked me a lot of really smart questions and said he empathized with me. Said he would come back to the house tomorrow when H had returned so we all three could talk. I thought he meant, talk as in talk about how to reconcile us, but he didn't. He meant talk so I can tell him I want a divorce and things won't get ugly. Now I feel happy and lucky.

I know this won't be easy. The H is a master manipulator and has already started sending me emails and texts about what I need to do to make this marriage work. But, it's pretty easy to change phone numbers and email addresses, so that will work itself out. All I need to do is keep reminding myself that I'm worth looking after, keep trusting that God is with me and that whatever decision I make will be used for good, and stay strong.

I may post a lot in the next weeks.
Bub

[ShaggyChic_1201]

The verbal assaults have begun. Now I'm considering getting an order of protection. Waiting for attorney to get back to me

[Anne2.0]

In many areas of the country, you don't need a lawyer to help you get an order of protection. Call your local domestic violence shelter, or go here to get to your state coalition which will get you to your local shelter:

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

If you call, ask if they have legal advocates that help with orders of protection. In many communities, not only does this help exist, but it's free.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Thanks Anne! I guess I was asking advice ... whether lawyer thought it was a good idea more than how to do it. She does think it's a good idea. He has been violent in the past, tho more recently it has been against my property and my dog. His threats have been generic: he'd kill anyone who tried to take his guns or betrayed him. I've done both, so I think caution is prudent.

H has told me that he decided not to return home from Texas after all. He was extremely nice about it and sounded broken. This naturally makes me feel like a huge, giant, monsterous ogre. (is there a Godzilla emoticon?)

But at the same time, I know that is part of the cycle of abuse. He acts out. He feels bad. He repents and vows never to do it again. I believe him. Rinse & repeat.

So I'm going to sit with my bad feelings and let the process continue. He says he's changed. Said he had a spiritual epiphany. I sincerely hope so. Won't change my mind, but I sincerely hope so.

Thanks for all the hugs and support. I'm hanging on every one of them.


Bub

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

H has told me that he decided not to return home from Texas after all. He was extremely nice about it and sounded broken. This naturally makes me feel like a huge, giant, monsterous ogre. (is there a Godzilla emoticon?)

You're right about being cautious and correct in identifying the cycle.

I just wanted to point out that this (in quotes above) is Manipulation #754.213 in the Abuser Handbook, the classic move trademarked as I Am The One Who Was Really Hurt. I'll show you how hurt I am by making this huge sacrifice (e.g. leaving my home).

Good luck! Sorry for jumping the gun about the advice-giving that you didn't need.

[Ike McCaslin]

Good luck, Bubs, I admire your courage.