[likelife]

I think I'm finally ready to leave my T. And by ready, I mean sufficiently angry to squelch the fear and grief that I associate with leaving. I so, so wish that these weren't the circumstances under which I was going. But the truth is I will never leave if I stick around to try to resolve all of the hurt I've experienced in the relationship. Because it is becoming more and more evident that that resolution isn't mine to have.

I say I'm angry, but I'm also completely shattered. I saw T today, and I don't think I can go back. I've seen her for almost six years. I'm trying to tell myself I can't go back. I wrote this ridiculously long, rambling email to her, telling her that I need to stop. But I haven't sent it yet.

I've read on PC about people bringing a friend to a last session for support. I don't have any friends, really, and certainly not any I could call on to help me with this kind of thing. I've never talked with anyone, not even my H, about ANYTHING that's gone on in T because I've felt so humiliated about it.

****. I can't stop crying. When did I become this pathetic, dependent, needy person? I spent my entire life telling myself not to rely on anyone. What happened?

If anybody has some support to lend, I could really use some. Please?

[stopdog]

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds very hard.
Could you save the email and send it tomorrow if you still feel the same? It just might give you a little more room.

[likelife]

That is very sage advice, stopdog. Logic tells me I should wait. I know I should wait. I'm not even sure it's coherent.

[pbutton]

This sounds incredibly painful. I hope you're able to keep talking it through here. We're listening.

[likelife]

Thank you, pbutton , I appreciate it. I think I need to go to bed. I'm going to have a killer crying hangover headache tomorrow.

I don't know that I have anything useful to say.. just wanted you to know I feel for you, it sounds like a really painful situation. I went through a rupture with T that seemed to be ongoing for over 6 months, and I really thought I'd have to walk away, because there were times it felt like I was beating my head in a wall. My therapy/the therapy relationship felt like it was causing me so much pain I didn't think I could stand it. I told her I was done, and was set to have a closing session, but I found I couldn't say goodbye. Somehow, I'm not even sure how, we turned it around. I know that's not always possible, and maybe sometimes leaving is the right move.. tough to make that break, though. Tough to be certain if it's the right thing. Does your T know you're on the brink of quitting, have you talked about it? Can you imagine there's anything she could say or do to change your mind/rectify the situation? Or has therapy with her perhaps run its course anyway? I guess what I'm wondering is if you have any doubts... would it be possible to step back, maybe take a break and see how you feel? Maybe if/when the anger subsides you may feel differently and may be glad you didn't close the door? Or perhaps after taking some time you will be more certain that leaving your T is what you need to do, and you'll be in a better place to deal with having a closing session? Just a thought.. I know if it were me I'd hate the idea of dragging things out longer than necessary, so I understand if that doesn't appeal.

Hugs to you

[Nightlight]

Just wanted to say that I really hear you and relate to how you're feeling. It had been about four good years before I gave up trying to fix the disasters happening in my therapy and I let T know that our next appointment would be our last. I was so sure that I couldn't go back a number of times in the last six months. Sometimes I thought there was no hope, but then I'd find a little. Sometimes it's possible to survive what doesn't feel survivable. I do know of the pain and confusion and all of the horrible feelings that come up when facing the end in an awful way.

I too didn't know how to face my "final" session and certainly wouldn't have anyone to take, even if I'd wanted that. It was a very sad and lonely day (week, month...) even thought it didn't turn out to be the end. And I too spend my whole life knowing that you don't rely on other people, help only comes from within yourself. Then to shift that view and be so badly hurt by that new found reliance on others, it's so awful.

Sometimes I think it's important to stay for a while and work with the pain that this stuff brings up, if it's possible. It's painful for a reason and it's so important to be helped with it. The hard thing is that we need that other person to really help us deal with it and unfortunately that other person isn't perfect, at all. Sometimes they stuff up big time. In the end, I think it's such a hard relationship to have and to rely on. Sometimes it seems highly unfair.

Hang in there. I know it's rough.

[Syra]

I think I'm finally ready to leave my T. And by ready, I mean sufficiently angry to squelch the fear and grief that I associate with leaving. I so, so wish that these weren't the circumstances under which I was going. But the truth is I will never leave if I stick around to try to resolve all of the hurt I've experienced in the relationship. Because it is becoming more and more evident that that resolution isn't mine to have.

I know this feeling. I never got to resolve the issues with my former T either. It's hard. but I'm glad it's over (or rather, I'm glad I'm not continuing to spend my time and money trying to work things out with her when she hasn't been able to understand what I'm saying.

I say I'm angry, but I'm also completely shattered.

I remember the feeling. I cried so hard I went hoarse the next day. It got better.

ANYTHING that's gone on in T because I've felt so humiliated about it.

I get that too. There are parts of my story I that I won't talk about because I am so embarassed.

****. I can't stop crying. When did I become this pathetic, dependent, needy person? I spent my entire life telling myself not to rely on anyone. What happened?

It seems to me that rather than being pathetic you are working hard to work things out in a crazy-making situation. That isn't pathetic. That's strength.

“Supposing you have tried and failed again and again.
You may have a fresh start any moment you choose,
for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down,
but the staying down.”
― Mary Pickford

I would add that I think sometimes it's okay to stay down for a little while to rest. Staying down has problems. Resting is a good thing.

If anybody has some support to lend, I could really use some. Please?

I hear this is very hard, and you are shattered and crying and crying and feel humiliated.
And I hear that you are able to look in yourself, and process what you are feeling, and reaching out to safe places to get support, and recognizing your tenderness, and working to think things through and not be rash in your judgments.
This all sounds like a lot of strength to me.
Is it like that? or is it different?

[~EnlightenMe~]

Awwww, (((((((((Lifelike)))))))))))),
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I know how hard it is to leave of your own free will. Can you find another therapist to help you with this transition?

When did I become this pathetic, dependent, needy person? I spent my entire life telling myself not to rely on anyone. What happened?

I can't know for sure, but my guess is that your therapist is in over her head and doesn't know how to help you, so she is acting out. Maybe she is treating you similarly to how others did in your life? I don't mean literally, but maybe somehow what she is doing is triggering you, and it has a different meaning to you than it does to her. Does that make any sense?

If you feel your T pulling away either literally or emotionally by not validating your emotions, your needs will escalate in relation to what she is doing, thereby increasing your dependency. There are two people in that room, Lifelike, and I suspect she doesn't understand you and doesn't realize that she is hurting you, not helping you. This explanation describes why you might feel more needy and dependent, and because there is a reason for it, it fails to meet the criteria by a far shot for being pathetic.

My suggestion is to start interviewing therapist tomorrow and find one who can and will help you. Maybe one with a trauma background, DID/trauma background, or something like that? Maybe instead of focusing on leaving your T right now, focus on finding someone else to help you.

Otherwise, keep posting here, we are here for you. I know your pain. I now have a therapist who has a completely different approach, and I just went through a difficult session last week, and how he handled it this week was with empathy, compassion, understanding, validation, etc., etc. He understands. You will find someone who understands you and who can help you PM if you want. Take care and let us know how you are doing. Sending you tons of hugs!

[likelife]

Thank you so much, everyone, for the hugs and support. I didn't end up emailing my T last night, which I think is for the best right now.

I've got a really busy day with work and my kids, but I'll be back later to respond more fully.

[likelife]

I decided to cancel my appt for next week to give myself a little time to think.

[stopdog]

I think giving yourself time to think sounds like a good idea. I hope things are better today.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by likelife

I decided to cancel my appt for next week to give myself a little time to think.

This is so very hard I know. Also very courageous; and very wise. Good going.

[roads]

I stumbled into the middle of this post and will have to trac back to find out more of the story. I'm glad you decided to slow everything down though. I know whenever I'm angry, that's the best time to keep my mouth shut and rethink everything.
Roadie

[tinyrabbit]

I've noticed some of your posts about being upset with your T but don't know the full story - are you willing to say some of what's happened?