[athena.agathon]

My appointment was at eleven and I was running about five minutes late (not typical).

I probably just should have gone back to t's office but I waited a few minutes and finally he came (and told me I should just go back if I'm running late, athough I won't do that). I was/am so anxious that I'm shaking (being late makes it worse, but I'm like that most of the time)...

We sat in silence for a few minutes (felt like forever) while I fidgeted and felt awkward and angry and frustrated and kept thinking obsessively, "I-hate-this-I-should-leave."

Then I said that out loud and put my shoes on. Sat there a few more minutes trying to psych myself out the door and T said, "So bad you have to leave?" Then I said "I can't do this," and bolted out the door. I pretty much ran down the hall and out the door.

Gaaah, I am so weird, and such a jerk. I hope I didn't rattle him too much (probably not, as I think he is un-rattleable). I don't think he will call/email me or anything and he hasn't yet. Honestly, I think he doesn't like me, either, and wouldn't care if I never went back. I don't think he really gets people who are so shy and self-effacing...I almost think it's confusing to him.

I was thinking in the waiting room that I should just get up and leave before he came, and this morning and last night and the day before I was thinking I should just not go.

I've had this impulse before but not acted on it...like, I'm thinking all these disasterthoughts like something is wrong/nobody cares about me, including this therapist/I'm annoying/why am I bothering?/this is stupid/everything is stupid/you're never going to be different/T is annoyed and frustrated by you, too/give up/leave . Then I feel overwhelmed and want to bolt.

I am wondering if I should get a new therapist or give up on therapy. I am so frustrated with myself. I think I'm not working hard enough or not doing something right. I still have so much trouble talking and have been feeling SO ANGRY at t because he just doesn't ****ing talk when I don't (he has all these stupid ideas about respecting silence and not being intrusive) but kind of blaming myself and pushing it back for months.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((( athena )))))))))))))))) breathe......

when you are calm, that's the time to think about making a change. Not now. take good care of yourself today.

[stopdog]

I don't think a client leaving is that big of a deal to a therapist. I understand that much anxiety is hard, because I shake at appointments too. If you tell the therapist what would help, assuming you know, do you think he would try it?

[Syra]

That sounds sooo hard. I wish it was easier for you. I don't know if an issue is the T or not. I wish it was easier to tell.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by athena.agathon

I still have so much trouble talking and have been feeling SO ANGRY at t because he just doesn't ****ing talk when I don't (he has all these stupid ideas about respecting silence and not being intrusive) but kind of blaming myself and pushing it back for months.

I don't think you sound weird or like you're a jerk. FWIW, I've *very casually* walked out of a T session after 15 minutes. I was having some pain issues and couldn't physically sit down and then I just felt like going back home. I told T I was going to leave-- I wasn't upset-- and he said, okay, and I walked out. I went back the next week and carried on. I talked about all the things in my life I couldn't walk away from.

Have you talked to your T about being angry because he is silent, and how it might help you for him to talk more? My T was big on silence, too, and there might come a time when you are grateful for it, as when silence isn't so spooky it can feel like a safe opening to talk about what's floating across your mind, and then therapy can be more like an in-the-flow thing rather than so constricted and difficult.

But then I talked to him about how when I talk about the most difficult stuff I need less silence and more interaction, and he changed. And part of working in therapy is bringing this stuff up to your therapist. Maybe you already have, and that's where he gets his dumb ideas. If that's so, maybe it is time to change therapists or of course, you may do that at any time. I personally think there's a lot of value (just like in other kinds of relationships) to try to work on making it work for you, to learn to tell someone what you need and see how they respond to you. Many of our difficulties will follow us from one T relationship to another, and resolving them sooner rather than later can be really helpful. On the other hand, sometimes the fit between T and client is just not good, and you can learn about what's you and what's T by switching.

But mostly I just wanted you to know that someone else (and there are probably other people on this board here) who have walked/run/skipped early on sessions, and the world doesn't tilt any further on its axis. You can choose to go back and talk about it, or ignore it and carry on, or you can try another T and see how that goes.

[athena.agathon]

How do I talk about this?

Because what I am thinking is angry/abusive and I wouldn't ever ever say it, so I need an acceptable script. (Sorry about all the bad language)

(what I'm thinking: I hate you. I hate your ****ing silence. If you notice that I'm struggling, why don't you ****ing say something and TRY to help me? I don't think you even ****ing notice. You're just like everyone else who ignores me and I'm ****ing pay you for this.)

[tinyrabbit]

I think you should tell your T what you wrote in your post here. And having read how you perceive your T, I'm not convinced you're right - are you sure you're not projecting things onto him, and seeing a mirror of what you think, and what you think he thinks?

What would help you to talk? TELL HIM how you feel. Tell him you're angry. I very much doubt he feels the way you think he does, and I'm sure he'll be up for helping you if he's a good T.

Personally I can't stand silences, but I also need my T to let me talk. Poor guy has a hard time getting it right.

[wotchermuggle]

Did your therapist contact you afterwards?

I ran out of a Pdoc appointment once and I know the terrible feeling. I couldn't stand the anxiety and bolted. It was SO HARD to go back after that.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. It happens.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by athena.agathon

How do I talk about this?

Because what I am thinking is angry/abusive and I wouldn't ever ever say it, so I need an acceptable script. (Sorry about all the bad language)

(what I'm thinking: I hate you. I hate your ****ing silence. If you notice that I'm struggling, why don't you ****ing say something and TRY to help me? I don't think you even ****ing notice. You're just like everyone else who ignores me and I'm ****ing pay you for this.)

This is therapy. It's okay to be angry and abusive. It's okay to say exactly this, and will probably help.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by athena.agathon

How do I talk about this?

Because what I am thinking is angry/abusive and I wouldn't ever ever say it, so I need an acceptable script. (Sorry about all the bad language)

(what I'm thinking: I hate you. I hate your ****ing silence. If you notice that I'm struggling, why don't you ****ing say something and TRY to help me? I don't think you even ****ing notice. You're just like everyone else who ignores me and I'm ****ing pay you for this.)

You can talk about it by sticking with the observable behavior that you are pointing to as not helpful to you. You can leave out your interpretations that (1) he's noticing that you are struggling (I don't think that T's have any magic to distinguish struggle, where most of us hide this pretty well, from working-it-out or getting-it-together); (2) he notices but he refuses to help (he might think or hope he's helping by sitting there waiting patiently for you); and (3) he's ignoring you, like other people. Can you imagine the possibility that your interpretations are actually coming from your own issues, and probably aren't true?

You can say something like, "I have a problem with silence. I often sit here and can't think of what I want to say. When you are silent in response, it makes me feel angry, because I think you could be helping me and you're not."

You don't have to spew expletives to get your point across. Or you can spew them, t's have heard them all before. I'd bet actual money that your T would really hear what you think and feel in any words that you can put to it than you not say what's on your mind.

My perspective on therapy is that you can't wait around for your T to fix it for you. If you're not getting what you need out of therapy, you have to speak up about what's wrong. If your T doesn't respond well, then it's time to look elsewhere. But in my experience, being honest about what's going on with you while you're in the room is a fantastic start to changing how you relate to people and the rest of your life.

AA, I have told my T that I struggle in the silence. He has tried to help me more by asking if I'm having trouble with the silence or just thinking. If I'm having trouble, he tries talking more or tries to get me to say what I'm thinking (that second thing does not work well, but he keeps trying it). Perhaps it would help to tell him how you experience the silence.

[athena.agathon]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I think you should tell your T what you wrote in your post here. And having read how you perceive your T, I'm not convinced you're right - are you sure you're not projecting things onto him, and seeing a mirror of what you think, and what you think he thinks?

Yes. Maybe that's true. But I worry that I'm both (or that I'm creating a situation where I'm right with my exasperating behavior) and projecting at the same time...

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

What would help you to talk? TELL HIM how you feel. Tell him you're angry.

I feel like I've tried (without the anger part, I never tell him that because it's capital S Scary) and he still just sits there and waits for me.

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Did your therapist contact you afterwards?

Nope. This may be my fault for insisting in the past that I would not answer if he called me. (I secretly wish he had.)

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

You can talk about it by sticking with the observable behavior that you are pointing to as not helpful to you. You can leave out your interpretations that (1) he's noticing that you are struggling (I don't think that T's have any magic to distinguish struggle, where most of us hide this pretty well, from working-it-out or getting-it-together); (2) he notices but he refuses to help (he might think or hope he's helping by sitting there waiting patiently for you); and (3) he's ignoring you, like other people. Can you imagine the possibility that your interpretations are actually coming from your own issues, and probably aren't true?

Yes, they probably aren't true. I just have so much trouble excluding the alternative that they are. I think I might need to print this thread with all the sensible advice and re-read in the waiting room before I go back, if I decide that I can go back.

My perspective on therapy is that you can't wait around for your T to fix it for you. If you're not getting what you need out of therapy, you have to speak up about what's wrong. If your T doesn't respond well, then it's time to look elsewhere. But in my experience, being honest about what's going on with you while you're in the room is a fantastic start to changing how you relate to people and the rest of your life.

I know this is true, I'm just afraid to take initiative. I'm so afraid that he won't respond well, and then I will just...I don't know.

[QuietCat]

Originally Posted by athena.agathon

How do I talk about this?

Because what I am thinking is angry/abusive and I wouldn't ever ever say it, so I need an acceptable script. (Sorry about all the bad language)

(what I'm thinking: I hate you. I hate your ****ing silence. If you notice that I'm struggling, why don't you ****ing say something and TRY to help me? I don't think you even ****ing notice. You're just like everyone else who ignores me and I'm ****ing pay you for this.)

I know this feeling and that inner script too. Lately I just stop mid-sentence and I feel like I'm spinning wheels and wasting time, and I'll just have strong anger at T.

I don't know what the resolution for it is. Just know how you feel.

[Raging Quiet]

(((((((((((Athena))))))))))))

I think you were brave to take yourself out of a situation you were finding hard!

If there were able to challenge T, you may find that things change. I finally spoke up to T recently and it made things better. It's YOUR therapy after all.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by athena.agathon

How do I talk about this?

Because what I am thinking is angry/abusive and I wouldn't ever ever say it, so I need an acceptable script. (Sorry about all the bad language)

(what I'm thinking: I hate you. I hate your ****ing silence. If you notice that I'm struggling, why don't you ****ing say something and TRY to help me? I don't think you even ****ing notice. You're just like everyone else who ignores me and I'm ****ing pay you for this.)

I do think you can say this to a therapist. I think this is an acceptable script to tell the guy. Even if you want to preface it with - I think this could be angry/abusive but here is what I want to say to you ....

I don't think the disclaimer is necessary, but it might make it easier for you.

[Freewilled]

I have a similar way of thinking about my T and I did tell him how I felt early on...for me, Im pretty sure most of it was a projection. I felt that he was thinking I'm crazy, wasting his time, I'm too much or not doing enough, he would rather I just not show up and he'd much rather be somewhere else and on and on.....So I told him that and more. He then asked me if I wanted to ask him how he was experiencing things lol and it went from there.

I once told him that I was afraid to start talking about a particular issue and he asked me what it would be like if I did talk about it. I said I would probably raise my voice, stand up, then leave in the middle of our appt. and I might even slam the door. I didn't talk about it and haven't yet. But you are brave for leaving! I fear that might happen with me in the future. Sometimes it's so hard I do feel the compulsion to get up and just run outta there.

Be gentle with yourself - it IS very hard

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by athena.agathon

How do I talk about this?

Because what I am thinking is angry/abusive and I wouldn't ever ever say it, so I need an acceptable script. (Sorry about all the bad language)

(what I'm thinking: I hate you. I hate your ****ing silence. If you notice that I'm struggling, why don't you ****ing say something and TRY to help me? I don't think you even ****ing notice. You're just like everyone else who ignores me and I'm ****ing pay you for this.)

Well, that's certainly a start. He just needs to know that you need him to be interested - and act that way.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I would tell him exactly what you wrote. Or would it be easier for you to write it (or print it) and give it to him? I think it would really help you if he knew.

[athena.agathon]

First I have to suck up my pride and embarrassment and actually call him. (I have to re-schedule next week anyway because of a work commitment)

Because he did not call me, I sort of feel that he never wants to hear from me again and thinks I am a totally annoying drama queen.

Bllllleeech.

[WikidPissah]

(((athena)))

Some of us (especially me) don't do the silence well at all. I get how hard it is, I freak over more than a few seconds of silence. I don't think you have to sensor yourself though, actually your t would probably like it if you did your own script even though it sounds abusive. He'd probably think "well, alright...now we are getting somewhere". T's get off on us expressing anger or other emotions. Fuel for their fire...they are sick SOB's. lol.

[athena.agathon]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

(((athena)))

Some of us (especially me) don't do the silence well at all. I get how hard it is, I freak over more than a few seconds of silence.

Yep, me too!

I think you're probably right about the feelings thing. He'd thrilled if I could express anger at him ever. (he's kind of mentioned it several times) This terrifies me--that's why I bolted.

[TheRealFDeal]

I have never left a session early. I'm afraid T would not follow or try to stop me. And he wouldn't. He wouldn't call me after, either.