[precious things]

I reach this point early in every therapy I've attempted....this stuck feeling and not being able to cross the threshold of making changes in my life. I feel like I can pick a trauma from my past to work on and the result is I am still in my perpetual state of self-loathing and self-destructive behaviors. I never seem to see how point A (therapy) gets me to point point B (feeling better, improvement of behaviors, symptoms). I always feel like I am just reeling between therapy attempts and then life gets too much, I make another attempt and this same jaded "things will never change" attitude comes over me, quit therapy, struggle for a few more years, repeat the cycle.

In the past I have previously tried to find things within the therapy or therapist themselves that were objectionable and I fall back on "the only one who can save me is me" and I quit in frustration, hopelessness.

So, now I have probably the best T I have come across in over 20 years (nothing too objectionable, pushes me appropriately, specializes in my area of concern) yet the feelings of "this isn't going to make a damn bit of difference in my life" are swarming me. My T and I have been talking about this, he thinks I am afraid of all the feelings I need to face....I say I am willing to face them but I don't trust they will ultimately bring about relief....and now I have this pervasive hopelessness again where I doubt I will ever make a dent in my demons. I can talk and talk and go around the therapeutic block, but I never feel it internally, where change can take place. I am jaded. So very jaded.

[unaluna]

I would say, start small. Start very small. Like eating yogurt or pooping regularly. Hey they are paying jamie lee curtis major bucks to talk about it on tv. These were 2 selfcare items to me that never became habits I could depend on, but now they are. I didn't know you could depend on good habits when things got bad. I thought you had to give them up. Wow I didn't exactly realize that til just now. Anyway I don't know what tiny thing would be a comfort to you, but I would say start there.

[feralkittymom]

It took me a long time in therapy to move from recounting horrible memories and facing the feelings to feeling an improvement in my mood/emotions. It took a lot of empathic interventions before I could feel them as real. And what really surprised me was that the changes in my experience of life continued--slowly--long after therapy ended.

Have you stuck with it long enough at a time? Maybe you just need a longer experience?

[Perna]

It sounds like you are focusing more on the therapy than yourself and expecting some magic from the therapy instead of working to learn the magic for yourself, like hankster says, doing a couple things that will make you feel better.

What do you want? Just wanting to "feel better" is too vague. Pick something more concrete and work toward that.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by Perna

It sounds like you are focusing more on the therapy than yourself and expecting some magic from the therapy instead of working to learn the magic for yourself, like hankster says, doing a couple things that will make you feel better.

What do you want? Just wanting to "feel better" is too vague. Pick something more concrete and work toward that.

Well, specifically I would like to rid myself of the eating disorder I have suffered from for over 20 years. There isn't a day in my life where I am not a slave to it. I've tried to kick it on my own, with T's and it never goes away. I'll never make the right choices where I am concerned...I won't nourish myself when I need to or I will always choose food as punishment....so that is specifically what I need to improve on. I have no hopes of being "happy" via therapy...my disorder has robbed me of so much, I need even the promise that I can make change but it never comes. I cling to my disorder and as the years go by, it gets worse for me.

I don't know how therapy in general, translates into me taking the steps I need to in order to challenge my disease. I flounder on my own, I flounder in therapy and just feel perpetually stuck with it.

[EllieBear]

When I feel stuck, my T says ok, let's just sit with being stuck. What is it like to feel stuck in it all the time? If I let myself go there, and think about it and feel it, and then start to talk about THAT with T, it usually gets me going. I know if I try to make myself work on things, I get more stuck and more hopeless and more depressed. If you stopped trying to make yourself progress in therapy and make therapy work and just focused on this question, what is it like to feel stuck in it all the time?

[wotchermuggle]

I want to say that I agree with the VERY SMALL steps idea.

I feel very much like you at times, precious. There seems to be too many roadblocks to success, everything feels too daunting so you end up thinking what's the point?

For me, part of it came to a head in that I realized I was wasting my life. Another part of it was that I knew I had to do something because things weren't going to magically change on their own.

Deciding to CHANGE is hard. We all would like the change to happen but putting the work in is a challenge.

Something that helps to keep me motivated is that I remind myself that this is what I want and this is what I've been working for. That type of motivation works a lot better than making threats with myself about how if I don't do X then X isn't going to happen. ( ex. I am in my preferred profession but I struggle with accepting work as it's on a call in basis. Instead of threatening myself with if I don't take this call/job then I won't be able to afford therapy/meds/bills/anything, I told myself, Wotcher, this is what you've worked 10 years for! This is your dream job! This is what you wanted for YOU. )

I find it's much easier to tackle life like that. I don't know if this makes sense, but I hope it's of some use for you, precious.

XX

[ultramar]

I feel like I can pick a trauma from my past to work on and the result is I am still in my perpetual state of self-loathing and self-destructive behaviors.

Do you think that maybe it's an issue of focusing too much on incidents of trauma and somehow not getting to the core of the self-loathing and self-destructive behaviors? In the sense that the trauma may be the original reason/cause behind them, but you haven't dealt more directly enough with the emotions and behaviors themselves to move forward from them? Or how they manifest themselves as a result of/reaction to present-day occurrences/issues?

I have no idea if this is the case, I'm really just going on what I quote above, but thought I'd put it out there as a possibility.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by precious things

I never seem to see how point A (therapy) gets me to point point B (feeling better, improvement of behaviors, symptoms).

... the feelings I need to face....I say I am willing to face them but I don't trust they will ultimately bring about relief....and now I have this pervasive hopelessness again where I doubt I will ever make a dent in my demons.

I think you explain yourself really clearly in your post and I hope you explained it in that much detail to your therapist. I hope you explained it in that much detail more than once, in case he didn't get it at first. But maybe you have.

I really identified with what you wrote. Most my life I have felt that way about therapy. I think he didn't answer your question very well about how "facing feelings" can bring about relief. I don't know. I wish someone had given me some concrete examples of that without any therapy jargon a long time ago because I think I might have understood it. The time when I experienced it once was, the therapist asked me a question about my relationship with my sibling in childhood that I was uncomfortable to answer. I was surprised I was uncomfortable because I consider myself pretty introspective and willing to be open and face any feelings if someone asks. Later, I thought about it and realized I was uncomfortable to answer because I still felt the inadequacies I felt compared to my sibling when I was growing up. It was hard to let myself pay attention to the feeling (face it) enough to understand it, but once I did, I realized I didn't need to feel that way anymore, because the reasons I felt it in the first place were never legitimate. I felt MUCH better about myself and I my eating issues improved pretty dramatically without the usual struggle for a while.

My overeating issues have never been labeled an ED, I guess since overeating is so normal in my country. I don't want to pretend I understand EDs, but I do understand feeling hopeless about therapy. I just wanted to share this one experience where therapy worked for me. I really hope that things work out for you.

Just in case you read any of my other posts, it might seem like a contradiction with what I wrote here, and I could explain that, but I don't want to go on and confuse things more than needed.