Well I tried something novel earlier after H made me all upset and he and my son were saying "you need to go back on meds". I sat them both down (son is almost 15, he's not a little kid) and said I wanted to explain why I am not going back on my meds. I explained it this way. I said that "what you just saw earlier was me letting myself feel my feelings and working through them. And I feel better now. What I need to tell you is this: that I know it's hard for you both and I'm sorry for that. But there is a big difference in how I experience the world on meds and off meds. (to son) remember when you first got your glasses, and you put them on and you said 'has the world always looked this good?!' I said well that's how I feel off meds. When I'm on the meds, I don't feel. I dont' feel the bad stuff, true, but I don't really feel the good stuff either. And I'm not trying to be mean, or unfair, or selfish - BUT - I'm no longer willing to take the meds just to not feel the bad stuff and live the rest of my life not feeling the good stuff either. I am working very hard in therapy to learn how to feel my feelings and deal with them without tears. Thank you for letting me explain this and I hope you can both understand that this is what is best for me right now, and will be best for our family in the long run."

It was a long speech. A longer one than I have ever sat down and told anyone. It was hard too and I was crying on and off throughout it. But I did it. And I think they sorta understand a little better now why I don't want to be on meds. It took a lot out of me sharing that with them, shortly after I fell asleep for about an hour and a half. I'll be sharing this with t on wednesday of course. I never would have been able to do that if it weren't for t and all the work I've done with her. I am feeling so grateful for my t tonight. Sorry that was so long. I just wanted to share because I felt like it was a really important step in learning how to feel.

[CantExplain]

((Artemis))

Yippee! Magnificent!

[karebear1]

That took a lot of courage to do- and I think you did a fantastic job! Good work Artemis.

[So hopeful]

This is wonderful!

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

Well I tried something novel earlier after H made me all upset and he and my son were saying "you need to go back on meds".

I think it's great that you told them how you feel.

I am not trying to pick at you here, and you may of course feel free to ignore this, but I am wondering about something:

Can you get under the feeling of "H made me all upset"? I mean, is this a case where H needs to change his behavior (if he will, like if he said something mean) or is this a case where you have to change your response to what he's saying or doing? The other thing, about them telling you you need to go on meds, I think that is out of bounds for both of them. It was good that you explained why, but I think this decision is yours and yours alone, and their opinion about what you should do with your body should be kept to yourself. Their comments also pathologize your feelings, as in your feelings aren't legitimate, you need to medicate them away.

I also think it is great that you are empowering yourself to both make the decision to stay med-free and that you understand their effect on you.

Thanks all! And Anne2.0, I perhaps should have rephrased that "H made me..." because if there's anything I've learned in t it's that nobody "makes" me anything - I am responsible for how I respond. Habit I guess to write it that way.... he wasn't being mean per se, after we talked later he explained what he was trying to say, but it came across at the time that he was treating me like a child over money issues and I got mad. I felt angry in every cell in fact. I let myself feel it, and I argued back at him. which he isn't used to, so he started arguing more, which I hate, and you see the vicious circle.

Then my son came in the room and said "Mom you need to go back on meds." and H stopped arguing and agreed with him. I mumbled something about "no" and went back to doing laundry and the subject was dropped until I decided to sit them down and talk to them about the meds.

I've really only begun to realize in the last week or so what the meds did to me, been off them for maybe a month and a half now? Something like that. They dulled everything, if that's the right word. I've started noticing the true beauty in things again - walking from the parking lot into work under the same trees I've been walking under since September, I'm noticing the detailed patterns in the bark and the leaves and just the beauty of the branches against the sky, 'little' stuff like this that I just love. What really brought that home for me was friday evening at work it was very slow and so I was writing and a poem started coming out - as I was writing the poem I noticed I was feeling it too - almost like a 'whoa what the....' kind of thing. I've been writing again for over a year now (one of the first things we accomplished in my therapy was unlocking the place in me where I write from) but even though I'd been writing again, I wasn't feeling it - don't know if I'm explaining this right. I think I may have to email t and warn her to be prepared for a babbling fool on wednesday. LOL

[tinyrabbit]

I feel the same about meds. Being on them wouldn't help me as I need to feel my feelings and get them out.

Arthemis,
I admire you for knowing what you want and respecting your decision and also your body.
I think that it is healthy that you can decide for yourself and that you can have an open and honest discussion with your h and your son.
Meds can turn you into a zombie an unfeeling zombie. I think it is a sign of great growth that you want to FEEL your FEELINGS and WORK through them without meds.
I thinkm that meds only numb the pain and prolongue the agony

[pachyderm]

I wish some of the mental health professionals who believe in medications only would read this, and see why some people do not want to be on medication -- and take it seriously.

[rainbow8]

I agree about meds. I hated the way I felt, for 7 long weeks!! I hated the way the pdoc just wanted to give me valium and ambien along with the zoloft and told me they wouldn't hurt me. I hated the jittery feeling I had from the zoloft. I was so glad to get off of that stuff. Maybe something else would have worked and I wouldn't have felt so bad, but it's not worth it to me. I am happy for those whose meds DO work and make them feel better, though.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow!! How AWESOME! I am so glad that you stood up for yourself and allowed yourself to experience and express your feelings. I hope that your H and son will be those who can learn to evolve with you.

me too MUE - that's why i decided to sit them down & have the talk, because I want them to be.

I was thinking about my post at work today, and realized I probably should add that I don't mean to totally badmouth meds. They saved my life back in 2009 there's no doubt about that. And because I was on the meds, I was able to get to a place where I was stable enough to start working on all the hard stuff with my t.

[mixedup_emotions]

Yeah, I think there's a big difference when it comes to meds - using them for healthful reasons. Using them to tolerate unhealthy things, not so much.

My T is a big advocate of not using medication to deal with your feelings. Yet, during some of my worst bouts of depression, he was calling the pdoc to schedule an emergency appt. so that I could get onto stronger meds. So even my T who hates those kinds of meds knows that sometimes it's what's needed.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I probably should add that I don't mean to totally badmouth meds.

I don't think you "badmouthed" at all. I think you were very clear about your reasons for not wanting to use them at this point in your life, and it made sense. It's an important perspective to have on this board, as meds aren't always the answer.

Thanks Anne2.0!