[Sunne]

I'm just having a hard time. I'm sorry I have not been around much. I feel like I don't have much to add here and I am really isolating myself and not talking to anyone. I feel like I am carrying so much inside me and it needs to come out or I'm going to explode.

My T was on vacation for the last while and he's back and I see him tomorrow but I feel so upset. I was okay while he was gone but now that he is back I feel kind of angry and just so very very distant and like I don't even want to see him. I usually email him a lot when I'm feeling like this but I just can't.

I am far too isolated and it's causing me mental distress. Between the phobias, trauma, and anxiety I just can't face the world and I'm feeling pretty hopeless about the future.

I need something and I don't know where else to turn. It's pathetic. I know.

[tooski]

I've felt this way too when T is gone for a while. I miss him the whole time, but when it gets close to my session time I suddenly feel like running away. There's probably a bunch more people who do this too, so you're not alone. Please go to T and explode all over him. That's what T's are for! They are a safe place we can go and be angry or sad or whatever

I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. I hope you can talk to your T and get some of this out, and get back on a regular schedule. Just want to offer a hug and hope you'll feel better after seeing T.

Your be ok when you see your T & can express these feelings there.

[skysblue]

Not pathetic - REAL feelings. Sorry you're struggling so much now. Go ahead and vent as much as you'd like here on PC. You know we have your back.

[Anne2.0]

It seems to me that it is natural to feel this way if the only person you feel attached to, or who breaks you from your isolation, is your T and he's been away. Can you work towards being connected to other people besides T? That would lessen this dynamic.

It feels very much like a CSA thing, to me. I can't quite put my finger on it but when we are kids who are being abused, sometimes it feels like our perpetrator is also our rescuer. I'm not saying that your T is either perpetrator or rescuer-- just that it's a dynamic inherent to the nature of CSA that a person who we are attached to can take over our social world and make us feel like they are the only one who matters. I'm not saying there is something wrong that your T is doing. I am just trying to say that this dynamic feels historical to me, and that's what you are describing pings for me.

I am sorry that it's so hard. Hugs if okay.

So sorry Sunne, it's so hard to be alone at times of distress but also it's hard to be with anyone too. I urge you to try and connect with someone other than t because he can't be there when you need him outside of session times. Do you think you could do this?

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

It seems to me that it is natural to feel this way if the only person you feel attached to, or who breaks you from your isolation, is your T and he's been away. Can you work towards being connected to other people besides T? That would lessen this dynamic.

It feels very much like a CSA thing, to me. I can't quite put my finger on it but when we are kids who are being abused, sometimes it feels like our perpetrator is also our rescuer. I'm not saying that your T is either perpetrator or rescuer-- just that it's a dynamic inherent to the nature of CSA that a person who we are attached to can take over our social world and make us feel like they are the only one who matters. I'm not saying there is something wrong that your T is doing. I am just trying to say that this dynamic feels historical to me, and that's what you are describing pings for me.u

I am sorry that it's so hard. Hugs if okay.

This is one of those Ah ha moments for me thank you.

[Sunne]

Thank you everyone. Anne, you are correct. But for me it's not exactly CSA but I think it's abuse in general. I was treated poorly by pretty much everyone as a child. My Mom was abusive and family pretty dysfunctional. And my brother was my bully. And I was bullied badly all through school. I had covert CSA from male family members, and was SA when I was 10 - 11 by a woman.
So I don't know how that all fits together.

I believe the strong attachment is because he actually cares about how I feel and listens to me.. and I have not really had that in my life. So I cling. I do not feel whole without him, and that's something I need to work on. Not healthy.
But, I do believe a strong attachment in therapy is what I need, and I do think I will be able to grow from it.
If it was 8 months ago and he went on vacation things would be worse. It's now that he is back that I'm having difficulties.

I have a few friends but we mostly just stay in touch via email and maybe a phone call once a month. I see them maybe once a year.
I have pretty severe agoraphobia.. from the trauma as a woman and have a hard time trusting do to the bullying. So I do keep my distance. But I like solitude for the most part, sometimes it becomes too much and it deepens and becomes pretty sad isolation.

But-- I did email T and he has responded kindly. It's just so difficult sometimes. I don't want to be this attached but I also know I need to accept it and try and work in it.
I DO think he does rescue me sometimes, although he has tightened these boundaries a bit and always tells me to use my tools.

I urge you to try and connect with someone other than t because he can't be there when you need him outside of session times.

That's the issue.. my T.. he is available when I need him outside of session. Other than his vacations and when he is busy. His private office is in his basement of his home so it's easy for us to keep and touch.

Rambling.