Has anyone's partner or ex-partner blamed your T for the breakdown

May 13, 2013 at 07:13 PM

of the relationship? On the weekend my ex-H blamed my T for ours. Saying we hadn't really talked since I began seeing my T. We haven't really talked for nearly 10 years. It took my T many months to "suggest" I was in an abusive relationship, and a further couple of months working on accepting this.
In the past my ex has even accused me of having an affair with my T. I don't know why I am letting him affect me like this. It's ridiculous and worthy of discussion with T (I know you all will advise me to do this)
Thanks for listening. Further broadcasts as the war develops.

murray · May 13, 2013 at 07:16 PM

Sadly I heard the same from my ex.

wotchermuggle · May 13, 2013 at 07:24 PM

I think it's intimidating for a spouse or significant other. Here we are, bearing our souls to someone other than our partner. They naturally wonder why they aren't good enough to be the person we turn to.

Unless you've been in therapy, I don't think it's easy to understand why we need therapeutic relationship. We need someone who is going to listen and not just say "there-there" and pat us on the back.

But....if you haven't experienced the need for it....I think it's hard to understand it and hence, why people get so defensive and blame therapy/therapists.

May 13, 2013 at 07:37 PM

But my ex has seen a T, not for long as I think he felt threatened by what his T said. That is, my ex needed to take responsibility for his actions and not try to "talk" (read bully) others into seeing things his way.

wotchermuggle · May 13, 2013 at 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

But my ex has seen a T, not for long as I think he felt threatened by what his T said. That is, my ex needed to take responsibility for his actions and not try to "talk" (read bully) others into seeing things his way.

I wasn't defending your husband or anything he's done....just was presenting a different viewpoint, which I think is valid for those who have no experience with therapy.

Some people will use anything they can to manipulate us into thinking they are right and we are wrong, unfortunately

May 13, 2013 at 07:46 PM

Totally understand, just feeling defensive today.

refika · May 13, 2013 at 09:35 PM

I've had the same response from my H, he claimed my T was "brainwashing" me into leaving my H (when I told him I was moving away because I needed space and separation to sort my life out).

Long backstory there, but yeah, my T has been the scapegoat, to the point that he's felt threatened by my H and it affected our sessions for a while until we cleared things up/regained trust in each other.

May 13, 2013 at 09:43 PM

My husband was jealous of my T when I first started seeing him. He went to see him certain to "get to the bottom of it". Funny thing though. My husband ended up seeing T himself and still does to this day, and he never made that accusation again. It was all about his own insecurities and fears of abandonment (he has a BPD diagnosis). He worked through it.

mixedup_emotions · May 13, 2013 at 10:00 PM

My ex-husband also accused my T of brainwashing me...and accused him of ruining my marriage and ruining ME. Of course he would feel that way, because I was learning how to take control of my own life rather than allow myself to be mistreated by him. He didn't like that. His way of regaining control was to attack what he felt threatened by. He lost.

stopdog · May 13, 2013 at 10:46 PM

I have known couples to break up when one or the other started therapy. I don't know that either party blamed the therapist - but certainly the therapy was seen as an impediment to staying together.
Aside from on this forum, I have never known anyone to try couples counseling and have the people stay together either. Usually for the people I know, that ended up as more a way to help everyone part in a civil fashion. Even if they went to stay together.

tinyrabbit · May 14, 2013 at 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

I think it's intimidating for a spouse or significant other. Here we are, bearing our souls to someone other than our partner. They naturally wonder why they aren't good enough to be the person we turn to.

I want to take issue with the idea that this is natural. Common? Sure. Understandable? Perhaps. But natural? I'm not convinced. This is a very childish, selfish perspective. I realise I am lucky because my husband thinks therapy is a good thing if it helps me. I asked if he wanted to come and talk to my T once about how to cope with my down days and he said he didn't want to interrupt my relationship with my T. That is what the attitude should naturally be, not this childish jealousy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Aside from on this forum, I have never known anyone to try couples counseling and have the people stay together either.

I know two couples who have done therapy and stayed together.

stopdog · May 14, 2013 at 12:40 PM

I was not saying it couldn't happen, just that the people I knew who tried it did not stay together. For all I know, staying together was not their goal.

wotchermuggle · May 14, 2013 at 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I want to take issue with the idea that this is natural. Common? Sure. Understandable? Perhaps. But natural? I'm not convinced. This is a very childish, selfish perspective. I realise I am lucky because my husband thinks therapy is a good thing if it helps me. I asked if he wanted to come and talk to my T once about how to cope with my down days and he said he didn't want to interrupt my relationship with my T. That is what the attitude should naturally be, not this childish jealousy.

I don't think it is childish, especially if you're married. Even though I know the benefits of therapy, I would still hope my partner would talk to me about issues in his life. Maybe I'm not the person who is going to help him solve those problems, but I still hope he would talk to me about them.

I don't think that's selfish. I think that is what a relationship is meant to be.

tinyrabbit · May 14, 2013 at 04:19 PM

I think it's childish to turn it into an emotional guilt trip about who is good enough to talk to. Sorry.

This isn't a conversation about whether you talk to your partner full stop but about whether they are justified in feeling threatened or jealous if you see a T. I stand by my post.

tinyrabbit · May 15, 2013 at 02:33 AM

Just to add: I am married.

This thread isn't about who you confide in. It's about therapy. If you need therapy and your partner guilt trips you asking why they are not good enough to talk to instead then no, that is not what a relationship is supposed to be.

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Has anyone's partner or ex-partner blamed your T for the breakdown

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murray Grand Poohbah Member Since Dec 2009 Posts: 1,522 14 3,391 hugs given	May 13, 2013 at 07:16 PM #2 Sadly I heard the same from my ex.
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Anonymous37844 Guest Posts: n/a	May 13, 2013 at 07:37 PM #4 But my ex has seen a T, not for long as I think he felt threatened by what his T said. That is, my ex needed to take responsibility for his actions and not try to "talk" (read bully) others into seeing things his way.
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Anonymous37844 Guest Posts: n/a	May 13, 2013 at 07:46 PM #6 Totally understand, just feeling defensive today.
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Anonymous100110 Guest Posts: n/a	May 13, 2013 at 09:43 PM #8 My husband was jealous of my T when I first started seeing him. He went to see him certain to "get to the bottom of it". Funny thing though. My husband ended up seeing T himself and still does to this day, and he never made that accusation again. It was all about his own insecurities and fears of abandonment (he has a BPD diagnosis). He worked through it.
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stopdog underdog is here Member Since Sep 2011 Location: blank Posts: 34,730 (SuperPoster!) 12 1 hugs given	May 14, 2013 at 12:40 PM #12 I was not saying it couldn't happen, just that the people I knew who tried it did not stay together. For all I know, staying together was not their goal.
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tinyrabbit Grand Wise Rabbit Member Since Feb 2013 Location: England Posts: 4,084 11 3,059 hugs given	May 14, 2013 at 04:19 PM #14 I think it's childish to turn it into an emotional guilt trip about who is good enough to talk to. Sorry. This isn't a conversation about whether you talk to your partner full stop but about whether they are justified in feeling threatened or jealous if you see a T. I stand by my post.
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tinyrabbit Grand Wise Rabbit Member Since Feb 2013 Location: England Posts: 4,084 11 3,059 hugs given	May 15, 2013 at 02:33 AM #15 Just to add: I am married. This thread isn't about who you confide in. It's about therapy. If you need therapy and your partner guilt trips you asking why they are not good enough to talk to instead then no, that is not what a relationship is supposed to be.
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