[CantExplain]

Hypothetical situation: The wife has caught the husband cheating on her. He says he wants to save the marriage. She says she doesn't think she can ever trust him again, and how can they build a marriage on that?

What does MC (the marriage counselor) say at this point?

[wotchermuggle]

"I have several referrals that I can offer you....."

[likelife]

This is a true hypothetical, right?

It's my understanding that part of MC is about learning how to rebuild trust. An part of that is setting parameters for the cheating partner, like cutting off all contact with the other person.

I see trust as something that needs to be continually gained, infidelity or not.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

"I have several referrals that I can offer you....."

Meaning the case is hopeless?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by likelife

This is a true hypothetical, right?

It's my understanding that part of MC is about learning how to rebuild trust. An part of that is setting parameters for the cheating partner, like cutting off all contact with the other person.

I see trust as something that needs to be continually gained, infidelity or not.

Yes, this is hypothetical. But I do have an agenda. I'm thinking deeply about trust.

So "setting parameters" is a legitimate response? Can you give me some more examples of that?

[Freewilled]

I think maybe the T would explore the wife's reasons for coming to marriage counseling and what she hopes to get out of it. Empathizing with the pain/loss of trust and normalizing that response too, of course.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Yes, this is hypothetical. But I do have an agenda. I'm thinking deeply about trust.

So "setting parameters" is a legitimate response? Can you give me some more examples of that?

I think it would be a legitimate response. It seems like the non-cheating partner should at least be able to voice what they feel they need to rebuild trust. Other examples might be having more information about the cheating partner's whereabouts, having him/her define what working on the marriage means, asking him/ her to commit to improving communication or read a book about infidelity. Those may or may not be actual parameters - they're just things off the top of my head.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Meaning the case is hopeless?

Nothing is ever completely hopeless. I think this is an EXTREMELY difficult situation to recover from though.

I don't have experience with this specific situation, but have experience with putting your trust in someone only to have them do something they promised they would never do. I know what it feels like to try and rationalize their actions and try to tell yourself it doesn't matter and that the relationship can still survive, when in reality, it couldn't and never did.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I think maybe the T would explore the wife's reasons for coming to marriage counseling and what she hopes to get out of it. Empathizing with the pain/loss of trust and normalizing that response too, of course.

Both parties say they want to save their marriage.

[stopdog]

Perhaps, although the wife does not believe she can, actually can be willing to work to find something small to trust and then grow on that. I have no idea what a therapist would say.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Yes, this is hypothetical. But I do have an agenda. I'm thinking deeply about trust.

So "setting parameters" is a legitimate response? Can you give me some more examples of that?

No fair: if you have an agenda, be honest about what the real scenario is in your mind. Otherwise, there's no way to know if the parallels you're drawing are reasonable or not, making any response useless.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

No fair: if you have an agenda, be honest about what the real scenario is in your mind. Otherwise, there's no way to know if the parallels you're drawing are reasonable or not, making any response useless.

It's up to you to decide what you think is fair.
But I find analogy to be a good way to step back from an issue and see it from a different angle.

PS:

Isn't this what hypothetical questions are all about? Anyone who asks a hypothetical question will have an agenda, I reckon.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It's up to you to decide what you think is fair.
But I find analogy to be a good way to step back from an issue and see it from a different angle.

PS:

Isn't this what hypothetical questions are all about? Anyone who asks a hypothetical question will have an agenda, I reckon.

True. But an analogy is only applicable as far as it closely parallels the primary situation. Without knowing that situation, the opportunities for misunderstanding/misapplication multiply.

For instance, if by any chance, the primary situation is about therapy, an anaology between the T/client relationship and a marriage relationship is fraught with so many differences as to call into question any conclusions that could be drawn from the analogy.

[tinyrabbit]

I think you would need to look at the reasons WHY the husband cheated. Sometimes it's just for kicks, but sometimes there are problems in the marriage that mean cheating is a symptom, not the main problem.

I have been cheated on and in my case it was not my fault. (Abusive narcissist ex thought the world owed him everything.) So I do understand how it feels. But if your perspective is that one party is innocent/wronged and one is this terrible villain who has to feel bad, I'm not sure how far you'll get in counselling. You will need to be open to another point of view.

[sunrise]

I have heard that it is important for both parties to acknowledge a role in the situation so maybe the therapist would help in that direction. If the couple is stuck in blaming, finding fault, and arguing over who is right and who is wrong, then it will be hard to make progress.