 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
|
#1
May 29, 2013, 10:34 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
things have been very different in T these days. it is mostly in the emotions and stuff i am experiencing.i don't know but i kind of freaks me out and is making me feel so ashamed to even see her. but i want to. this is the problem.
as some of you know i had a huge blow out at her in T and acted like a complete jerk. i am still struggling with all the shame and humiliation i feel around my behavior .i still am having a hard time even talking about it with her .i want to just pretend it never happened. but my T said she has allowed that in the past and doesn't think it is good for me because it continues to come back.  she pointed out that along with my leaving that time she said that i have wanted to leave early more ,i talk and then shut down and say nothing for weeks and everything she says seems to make it worse,etc... i was not aware it was getting that bad .i guess that is how far from seeing reality i can get .hell i thought i was making bunches of progress with communicating way better then i use to. but listening to her i feel maybe it was not as great as i had thought .i am glad at some level she is kind of putting her foot down as far as my communicating . with this i am getting scared that she will kick me to the curb if i don't try and talk. WHY does this scare me so much now.in fact not seeing her seems to be a big issue for me now and i hate it.i would read posts about peeps here who miss T, want hugs from T and are some what really attached to T. i found it hard to understand this concept.I'm not one at all who wants hugs or physical contact with T, i never had a problem with her vacations EXCEPT ...when it seemed like on Mondays she was always taking time off and i only saw he once about every three weeks . i felt she was purposely trying to hurt me for some reason. i never feel the need to call her much. maybe every once in a while but it isn't an obsession at all in fact i think i have called her maybe 3 times in about 3 1/2 years. e-mail i did a bit more because i was angry at her and just did it .i feel horrible about that because i know she doesn't like it . i have not e-mailed her at all sense the big blow up, i am totally humiliated about doing that to her also. the biggest problem i am having right now i how needy i am seeing that i am. it just wont leave my head at all. when i walked out of T i was never going back .i have never had a problem doing this. at first i was so scared that i was never going to allow myself to feel this way.then i was angry at T,how could she hurt me like that.she wants me gone ,i hate her and am never going back to give her the chance to do this to me again. then i calmed down.i was not seeing red .i could see reality a bit clearer. what she did was not so bad.i probably deserved it anyway.if i was not going to talk why not listen to music. i kind of still feel this way.i know i brought it on myself. reality hit that i quit T and didn't want to. so i called her and asked to be able to come back. (i hated that i called her ) but she had already given my spot away.i was terrified and completely devastated by this .(i have not told her this at all. it humiliates me so badly . i cant believe that i couldn't walk away. i don't understand it and i want so badly to ignore it .again to pretend that it doesn't exist. but there is this voice that is in my head screaming obscenities to me. saying that i now can add clingy ,needy little parasite to my personality. i guess i really am. that is definitely what the mother thought . so many things she thought and said are proving to be true .i just wished she had helped me fix it instead of hating me for it .maybe i would have been a more pleasant person to be around. i hate that i want to see her .i don't understand how it is going to help if i am so damn against telling her anything. i have to trust her somewhat otherwise why wouldn't i want to walk away.but still i don't let her in my head .i can't .i do try. it has never been so clear how much i can't walk away and how unbelievably needy i am being toward her. i hate it. it makes me feel like a complete failure.so ashamed.not who i want to be . if she knew this i know it would repulse her completely.i don't know if i am posting about this because i want you all to tell me i am not needy ,don't think i would believe it,or to be told this is normal and OK to be needy, or to be told that is awesome that i am seeing the Truth with some suggestions on how to keep all this to a dull roar so my T doesn't kick me to the curb,or just to maybe get it out of my head . i am just freaked and confused about the whole thing. I'm sorry guess being horrible and needy here.  anyway thanks for reading if you got through all this whining  back to the subject at hand now ? how has your day been
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT  Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
 anilam, Anonymous37844, Anonymous58205, murray, sittingatwatersedge
|
|
#2
May 29, 2013, 10:51 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Unless I am missing something, I don't hear from you that you are actually DOING anything "needy". Can you see the difference between your perception of yourself as needy and the reality that you are really not doing anything "needy"? It kind of sounds again like you are playing old tapes in your head about neediness that really have nothing to do with what is actually happening with your T.
|
 granite1
|
|
#3
May 29, 2013, 10:51 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
If you look at your behavior, it is truly wonderful! You quit so well that T gave away your time slot; but you decided you did not really want to quit so you called T and asked to see her again. There's nothing weak there! You are asking for and getting what you want. As you say, you don't really want to leave and you are making sure you are staying connected. T isn't helping you with this, it is all you and what you want and it is really great!
I think you will do better with talking in the future. It is hard when we talk to keep up the momentum; some of that ebbs and flows, especially when we are learning how to do it for the first time. You went to not talking at all forever to talking now. Sure you probably talk and then don't for awhile but the "awhile" periods between are getting shorter and shorter I bet. You should keep a "talking journal" and just do a brief sentence or paragraph about each session, grade yourself on "how much" you talked or how well you feel you did. You would be better able to see how hard you are working and how well you are doing! My day's been good so far; I had groceries delivered and my husband made me eggs benedict and delivered it to my table here so I could eat and be on the computer at the same time :-)
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
| granite1
|
| granite1
|
|
#4
May 29, 2013, 11:25 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
do you think it is in my head??? kind of like when i am so convinced that my T hates me and wants to hurt me. i think that would be better but it feels horrible. how can how badly i wanted her to keep seeing me not be seen as a needy little leach.that is what keeps screaming in my head before i go to T and when i try to settle down for the night.i keep running all this drama that i caused in my head. god she even pointed out that i was crying at one point when she was talking to me .i wasn't even aware of it .stupid me just demands that i wasn't. i think faced with this was the first time i ever cried in T. i just want it all to go away.but i am so ashamed and humiliated to talk to her about it at all. and OMG what if she is repulsed by my neediness
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
|
#5
May 29, 2013, 11:28 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Sounds to me like you are describing attachment to your T granite..... and that is a good healthy thing to feel. I know it feels foreign to you because the mother did everything she could to push you away so you wouldn't attach to her, but T wants you to attach to her- so go ahead and fall into it. You will be surprised how it makes you feel when you recognize the importance of it in therapy.
|
| granite1
|
| granite1, rainbow8
|
|
#6
May 29, 2013, 11:31 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
i hope talking will get better.i really thought i was doing well.i know i do need to talk more about how i am feeling and what is going on in my head. maybe that is what my T meant when she said i need to be willing to learn how to communicate and not just talk.i kind of thought it was the same thing
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
|
#7
May 29, 2013, 11:35 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Granite... I can't tell how it is for you... but for me... life experiences had taught me to not depend on other people. So even though I hire and pay someone to be my T, I tend to not want to let that happen because I think its being needy... but in reality I think we all have needs, that is just being human.
I think learning to realize we have needs and it is okay to have needs and it okay to want them to be met. I think the biggest part of T for me would be to learn who is safe to want them to be met by and how it is healthy to have those needs met. I think "neediness" is a perspective thing... if like me before you started T you thought... I don't need anyone for anything then admitting you need something/anything feels toooo needy.. but really its just admitting you are human and normal... I just don't know what "normal" is. |
| granite1
|
| granite1, shelbykay
|
|
#8
May 29, 2013, 11:51 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
I'm not so sure it is at my age at all.or if it isn't more of an obsession at this point .i am terrified that is what it is. it was scary how much i wanted her to keep seeing me and how terrified i was when i thought she wasn't going to. i don't understand what that was about and nothing about it sits well with me.it feels horrible
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
| karebear1
|
| karebear1
|
|
#9
May 29, 2013, 11:55 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
|
#10
May 29, 2013, 12:15 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
Good to see you, Granite! I'm going to try and write in reply to the bolded parts. I am also glad your T isn't letting you get away with the shutting down and not saying anything for weeks, or ever coming back to a topic once you get scared and triggered. BUT, I am MORE glad that you recognize this as a good thing! That is huge  One of my fears in therapy is that my T will kick me to the curb, for any number of reasons. I am too frustrating, not making any progress, don't talk enough...etc. When I say these things to her now (its been almost 6 years), she lets me air my fears but she also doesn't really comment on them. I think she probably thinks that she has reassured me in the past that she isn't going to fire me, and if it hasn't happened by now, it probably won't. I think she is right, though there probably will always be the "Sure you haven't fired me...YET." I think that is a fear that I will always somewhat have, and just have to deal with. It isn't there all the time, or even most of the time, nad it has lost a lot of its power over the years. I think why it is so scary to you now is that you are allowing yourself feelings for your T. You want to see her, despite maybe not wanting to want it You were more upset at the fact that you couldn't see her when you quit, then the possibility of never seeing her again. These are all signs of attachment, and as frightening as it is, IS a good thing.The voice that is in your head screaming obscenities about how needy you are IS.NOT.YOU. It is not the true you. It is your false self, or more accurately--your mother.I have issues with feeling needy or having needs at al. I am not a huge fan either. I work with 2 year olds and I was telling my T how toddlers have no filter. When they need something, they WILL find a way to tell you. I was laughing bc there is this one girl who was trying to talk to me, but i was talking to another child. She got louder and louder, but that wasn't working--so she went "HEY!" and turned my face towards her. That got my attention!  My T pointed out that because of my work with toddlers, I have to acknowledge that ALL children have needs. They are not "needy." They want and need to be seen as their own individual selves. I am forced to believe this, because I have yet run into an un-needy 2 year old. And if I did, they would be in serious trouble. The good thing about 2 year olds is that they ARE filterless. They haven't learned how to shut down their feelings, or are shamed by them. Some toddlers probably do this, but those are in very abusive situations that I have yet to come across in my work. My T said that those same needs are in adults as well. They DO NOT GO AWAY despite all the ways we can not feel them, or wish them away. They are still there, buried. So your needs are unearthing themselves a bit, and all of your training from your awful mother is fighting back tooth and nail. This is very foreign. Your mind doesn't know how to deal, so it defaults to what you learned as a kid. I would recognize your fear, and allow it. It does help take hte power out of it. You aren't running away from it. which is super amazing and healthy. Ok I gotta run to work....keep it up Granite!! |
| granite1
|
|
#11
May 29, 2013, 01:13 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Granite, I swear I just had this conversation with my T yesterday and I've been battling with these same thoughts forever. I am terrified of being seen as needy. It repulses me to feel like I am. T and I have been working for years on getting me to be okay with needing her or anyone else and I'm still fighting it. She told me yesterday that I need to make a choice...am I going to work on it with her or not. I always assume that since I am repulsed by my needs or by feeling needy, then she must be too...so when you said that you know she would be repulsed by you if she knew how you felt, I've been there. It's easy to assume that others will feel the same way about us that we feel about us...but it's not always, and I would say not usually, the case. I hid what I perceived as my "neediness" from my T for years thinking she would feel repulsed, kick me out, etc. I had so much shame around those feelings that I couldn't see anything but "they are bad". I eventually told my T. Hardest session ever!!! I was sure she'd run for the hills. But guess what, she wasn't repulsed at all. She said it was okay for me to feel needy with her, and though she can't meet all my needs, she could meet some and was happy to do that for me. I was like WTF?? That's not how you are supposed to react! So it is still hard for me to trust her, but she has never waivered in how she feels about my "neediness". She is totally accepting of it. She is fine with being seen as a kind and caring mother figure for me. She doesn't care if I need her...she tries to be there when she can. It has been so healing for me, and what I've learned is that the voice screaming in my head that I am needy and that is a bad thing belongs to my mother. Not everyone thinks that way! From what you have said about your T, I bet she would be totally accepting of you "needing" her. That is okay! As someone else said, it's attachment, and that happens no matter how old you are. I so relate to all the feelings you have about your T...the shame, the wanting to run and hide and pull in and not talk to her. The feeling like she's angry with you, and thinking she will react to you the same way as your mother. I've done all that with my T too. When I finally started to tell her all these feelings instead of keeping them all in my head, I started to see her react differently than I expected. I could tell her I was obsessed with needing her and she was ok with that. I could tell her I was sure she was angry with me, and she could start to say no, I'm not at all. It's called projection...how you feel about yourself, or how others have reacted to you, you "project" that reaction onto other people. You see anger from them when there isn't. You assume they feel the same way that your mom did. Granite, I don't know if any of this rambling is helpful. I just see so much of myself in you. Nothing you are doing with your T is bad...needing her is not bad, emailing and calling is not bad, missing her is not bad. You learned all this from your mother and you are just playing it out with your T, assuming she will think and react the same way your mother did. The more you can open up and share with your T, the more you will see she will react differently. So keep up the good work. You are talking and sharing more, and even though that feels bad, it will be the most helpful thing. Hugs to you
|
| granite1
|
| pbutton, shelbykay
|
|
#12
May 29, 2013, 03:41 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
mt T says the same thing about young kids. thanks for your responce.i think it is brave and cool that you were able to talk to your T about this kind of thing.i wish i could find a way to talk to her from under the chair .
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
| Anonymous200320
|
|
#13
May 29, 2013, 03:50 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
i so am terrified to talk with my T about this.she has said to me in the last few weeks that it would be easier for me to ask her these things. like when i think she is angry at me. i am terrified of the answers .she knows this i have told her this. at the same time she is telling me that i should check out my feelings with her my head is screaming yup like she would tell you the truth and in a few months it would be...i am not going to answer that because you should know the answer. totally frustrated with me . i don't want to be that person at all either . i want to just try not to be that person who doesn't do things to get her angry. i know it is stupid and impossible but i keep trying to no avail. then i do stupid stuff like how i acted that day
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
|
#14
May 29, 2013, 03:55 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
|
| granite1
|
| granite1
|
|
#15
May 29, 2013, 04:22 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Granite I told my T that I didn't want to want anything from him. He told me that feeling that way totally makes sense, coming from the situation that I did. He also said that his truth is that he wants to help me, and he can only do that if I let him in.
Eek, right?
|
| Anonymous200320, granite1
|
| granite1
|
|
#16
May 29, 2013, 05:07 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
for sure !!!my T has said things like she is trying really hard to get through to me and all but that the more she does the more i shut down. it is because i am scared .i don't want to be that way
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
| Anonymous58205, pbutton, rainbow8, unaluna
|
|
#17
May 29, 2013, 07:04 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
ok...
ONE - your T is not the mother TWO - She was an idiot for blasting music when you came in for a session. (Seriously....if anyone's T plays loud music when they come in for a session tell me) THREE - you aren't being needy and clingy FOUR - you've done nothing TO your T. You haven't hurt her, you are not wrong for walking out. FIVE - She is not the mother SIX - You shouldn't be scared of your T, that's just not right. SEVEN - She is not your mother EIGHT - because I have to go to 8. OH....and 
__________________
never mind... |
| granite1
|
|
#18
May 29, 2013, 09:55 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Idk granite. It seems like the more I whine and cry and complain, the happier my t is. The more frustrated I am. He's not happy-happy, but he's more present with me. It's like you think your t is always judging you for not being perfect - but she wouldn't be seeing you if you were perfect. You wouldn't be interesting to her, for one thing.
It sounds like you're on the cusp of something big, a big change of direction. |
|
#19
May 30, 2013, 09:46 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
| unaluna
|
|
#20
May 30, 2013, 09:52 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
|
|
#21
May 30, 2013, 10:06 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
i have not really shared much icky stuff YET, maybe some.i think the most icky was about how the mother locked me in my room at night . but that was all i said my T seemed to fill in the icky stuff like it must have been hard to not be able to go to the bathroom and stuff. and it was at the end of the session and i got to run out
. lately it has all been about this public humiliation and school and so on .and it is causing me to freak out way too much. i think a lot of what is going on. anyway she does seem to react to icky. and whining. i remember a silly conversation we had when i told her i was having a huge pitty party for myself and being totally whiney. she said WHAT and you didnt invite me .i want to be part of your party whine away. ummmmm nope. lol
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
