[lastyearisblank]

By age 24, I had experienced so much personal destruction from people claiming to love me, that I was bitter, worn out, and exhausted. The only comfort from the constant emotional pain, which I felt all the time in my my heart, was drugs and alcohol. It seemed to me that drugs gave me a relief that nothing could. I never had to feel the emptiness of being close enough to love to feel it, but never have it firsthand.

So I abused drugs and alcohol; they were a darkness, a refuge from my inner being, filled with endless unsatisfied need. The emptiness and aloneness were all encompassing. I knew I had to expect never to be cared for or wanted.

I knew how to simulate a relationship. Caring for others filled my heart, because I knew that nobody would refuse my love. Getting love was more complicated. I didn't even know what that would look like. The numbness and the safety of giving without expecting anything in return became a habit.

Wanting love, admitting it, was a battlefield strewn with landmines. I didn't know how to cross it. At times of acute need, I felt the vulnerability in my heart drive people away. I needed to be strong. I needed to be mute, resolute, and active, but I was in need of care. Then everything exploded.

Now, I'm in therapy again. And I'm terrified to trust. Terrified the anger and disappointment will come through and affect someone whose fault it definitely isn't. Afraid of losing all my defenses. Not sure, never sure, but still going.

[CantExplain]

((Blank))

If you do well in therapy, your defenses will be lowered. That's the point.
It is your defenses that make it so hard for you to feel loved.

[Freewilled]

I can really relate to your post...the neglect is painful and trying to always be the strong one - to keep it all together. Never letting anyone see your needs but having absolutely no problem at all tending to others. Sometimes even before they have to verbalize their needs, I will anticipate them.

I struggle to let down my guard as sometimes it feels like a permanent fixture in my life. It is especially hard in t, but I'm getting there (I hope!). I'm holding onto the hope that somehow and in someway my T can help me if I stick with it. After 13 weeks, I'm just now starting to trust. At least I feel that way today, but I'm finding its not a linear process. More like 2 steps forward, 10 steps back lol but I like how it feels when I take those couple steps forward. So tonight, I'm just going to hang onto that feeling. Hope you get your two steps forward soon

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Now, I'm in therapy again. And I'm terrified to trust.

Of course you are. How could you not be? But you're doing the right thing by just turning up. The rest will come in time.