[granite1]

when i try to write a letter to my T about what is going on with me it always seems so sincere and from the heart. but then when it comes closer to the time of giving it to her i reread it and it just sound like a pile of bull crap. nothing i would ever want to give her nothing she would ever want to waste her time reading. it goes away never to be shared . so so frustrating because at one point it felt genuine and something i truly wanted her to know. will i ever get it right .just venting . i want my T to just simply be able to know and fix things that is all. i swear i am never going to feel OK about communicating anything in my head to her or anyone IRL

[pbutton]

I so totally get this. This is what I've been working on the past few months. I will write something down and then decide it is stupid. T has been telling me that it is how I protect myself from the pain. I shut everything off and minimize, which is a great protection system for a child, but totally not helpful as an adult.

I have no advice. Right now I am trying to write it down and share it anyway, even though it always seems like a pile of shi t once I get in the room.

[Perna]

Thoughts and feelings do change. I totally get how "sappy" something that once seemed sincere and from the heart can sound later. Part of that is perception though, what meaning what you have written has to you in the first place. I think you are trying too hard? If you try to write something sincere, that's not the same as writing something sincere. Trying to write something sincere, you end up with a Hallmark Card

[granite1]

one of these days i'm going to take this huge pile of letters and just slam them down on her desk as i leave and say good luck with trying to figure all this out . i have 3 years worth of them

[rainbow8]

I understand this, granite. I've got to go to DBT right now, but will post later.

Granite...maybe you could just start by taking this one letter... see how it goes...

Sometimes we have to do something different...even though its scary... to get a different result...

[EllieBear]

I do this all the time, so I started either emailing the letters right away so I couldn't change my mind, or writing them and not letting myself reread them and just taking them in. It's very vulnerable to write down your feelings to share with someone else, so I think it's natural to "change your mind" after. My experience is that those feelings I wrote, that I later think are stupid, are really still there. They didn't change just because you wrote them. Sometimes the thoughts that they are stupid is just a cover and a defense and a way to protect yourself from feeling vulnerable and exposed. The feelings you write are sincere, and even if they later sound stupid, if you can give them to your T, I bet you can reconnect to those feelings and the thoughts that they are stupid will pass. I know I tell myself my real feelings are stupid or bad or whatever, but when I get passed those thoughts, the feelings are very real. I think you totally should walk in and dump the whole pile of letters on your T's desk. My T would love that! She may not read them all, but it would tell her a lot about the real you that you've had a hard time communicating to her. It would be a huge insight into how you have really felt! Very vulnerable, though, I know, but that'd be awesome

[1stepatatime]

Hey,Granite
What I have been doing is emailing my T after my session...usually later in the evening...just works for me. Maybe if you send her an email you won't be tempted to change it or not bring with you because it is already a done deal. Sometimes I feel stupid after emailing her but I am learning these are my true feelings, nothing fluffed over...authentic. Maybe you could try it that way? Best wishes to you:-)

[granite1]

no e-mails allowed. she has told me that she does not like e-mail at all but if it came between me e-mailing or not ever saying anything she would rather i e-mail .but i know she hates it so i will never do it .

[Perna]

I mailed my letters to her office. Then I could picture her reading them, whether she did or not. I only got a hint that she did many many years later when she was moving and said I took up an entire file drawer in her office

[karebear1]

Sometimes you just have to take that hard step granite. No matter how scarey or stupid it may feel.

[stopdog]

What if, and this is just a suggestion that I think could put a different spin on it, you tried to not write from the heart? (remember this post is from someone who probably has a grinch heart before the unfortunate incident when it grew three sizes that day) - but perhaps try another approach - like dragnet or something? I am serious - perhaps approach it from another voice - 3rd person or second person = it might put less pressure on you. Or perhaps substitute serious rather than from the heart (I admit I don't know what I would tell the therapist that I would describe as coming from the heart. I do tell her I am serious all the time).

[pbutton]

I'd recommend going as crazy as possible. I wrote something that went from past tense to present tense with first, second, AND third person all on the same page. It was an messy crock of absolute insane crap.

I printed it out and deleted the copy on the computer because it was too awful to re-read. Somehow I managed to toss the paper copy at him. It took him 900 years to read through it because it's such a hot freaking mess.

T loves it. I swear. It's his favorite thing in my folder. He gets it out and talks about part of it in every session.

T's are weird.

[granite1]

for real ??? my T has only pulled out drawings once out of my folder. how long has he been refering to it . i think that is funny . i guess it must have been important

Granite,
I totally get this. I always write up emails from the heart that make me cry like a baby and in some way they are therapeutic in themselves and I don't need to send them later. Just a thought, but how about writing down everything that you long to say, every thought you have around these feelings and don't re read it. seal the letter up so you can't read it and if you still want to show it to t bring it with you to the next session so you can read it to her.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by granite1

for real ??? my T has only pulled out drawings once out of my folder. how long has he been refering to it . i think that is funny . i guess it must have been important

It feels like an eternity to me, but I think we're only on the second or third session. I haven't mentioned anything about it, but he's pulled it out several times and said things like "Oh, what you're saying is like this... blah blah" and he reads some crazy thing that I can barely believe was me. Um, yeah T, sure, I suppose so, you big dork.

[unaluna]

Seriously granite? You write the most meaningful articulate letters. I am majorly jealous of your abilities in this regard.

[rainbow8]

granite, I'm like 1stepatatime. I write my uncensored feelings and thoughts about the session when I get home or that night, and then I email before I change my mind. When I read the email later or the next day, I am often embarrassed at what I wrote! I know a lot is transference, but it still seems like it's not true anymore. It sounds stupid, like you posted. I wonder where in the world I got those dumb thoughts and/or feelings!!!

But I realize they come from inside of me, and they are my truth, at least at the time I wrote them, so the words must be telling me something! I'm not making them up; they're from my subconscious maybe.

I know you can't email, but I wish that you could show your T some of these uncensored thoughts that you think are stupid. That's how your T can help you. She won't think anything you write is stupid!!

I've written some things in the 2nd person instead of using "I". What comes to mind is my "story" about a little girl with selective mutism. I could write it because it was about someone else, not me. I read it to my T at our very first session. Her empathetic reaction was what made me realize that I wanted her for my T. When we do IFS, I talk about the part in 2nd person also. "She" wants or needs something. So maybe you can write like that and it would be easier to show your T? Or, maybe you just need to grit your teeth and "give the letters to her" even if it's terribly hard for you to do.