So I still struggle talking to T about myself in relation to her. I think my smoke-screen memory attached to this is when I was around 5, I have an image that repeats itself over & over where I am sitting in the living room with mum & dad. I can even recall the rays of sun coming through the window, so much of this moment is burned into memory.
I ask my mum "when you adopted me & first brought me home, did you have to take me into each room to tell me what they were called?" Mum replied (still feel shame thinking about this) "no don't be stupid".
Why that feels so sgmeful I'm not sure. T said I was really asking if I was really wanted by every part of her. Her calling me stupid was how I already felt about myself learned earlier on from her non verbal responses. Her actually saying the words just confirmed it. I felt never more rejected then in that moment.
So I'm afraid to talk to T about my wanting to feel I belong incase I ask it in the wrong way & she rejects me.
She's already told me I do have a 'claim' on a part of her. My 10yr long regular mon & fri slot are mine. I'm entitled to be there with her then. That is our time.
I keep trying to make it more in my mind. And I'm even afraid to tell T that. That I want to make my claim on her more.
Sitting here just now I asked that question to T in my head & it was like a wall broke down. I saw T sitting there, I felt suddenly everything was enough and alongside that vision came one of my mother sitting there all those years ago and me desperately wanting her to really claim me. She never did. Ive grown up with that unclaimed feeling. I think today I will tell T.

[tinyrabbit]

I think telling your T is a good idea. I don't see how you could ask that in the 'wrong' way, btw.

[CantExplain]

((Mouse))

[unaluna]

I had a day off from t on monday to go see my GP, and I've been realizing that I miss him and I want to see him. That doesn't sound like much, but I wasn't allowed to miss my mother. She would come home from work after 2 in the morning and I would either be awake or wake up and ask her to come in my bedroom, and she would tell me no. It didn't make any sense, I was already awake.

So this is what our ts do for us. It's kind of like, we bring them our cars and they fix them. Only they say yes where we were told no before, and that fixes us. Maybe not all ts, maybe not all of us.