Guilt, Trauma work, feeling betrayed

I've recently started working on my CSA. It's slow and going okay, but something last week triggered a major breakdown. It was pretty bad. I go back and forth on guilt over the CSA, as if I'm betraying those I love.

In addition, I confided in a friend (lets call her friend 1) and she completely broke my trust. The ONE person I completely trusted. I trusted her more than anyone else. Then I found out some more stuff this morning and feel completely betrayed and alone. I feel beaten down and like a complete idiot for trusting her. This has always been an issue with me. I have seen my T for 3yrs now and just now am at the point that I can trust her to not leave me.

Yesterday, I had a very personal discussion with a "friend" (use quotes because I never know who my friends are anymore, lets call her friend 2) and after discussing her addiction and treatment, she asked about my (vague) issue I had mentioned before. I told her I use to hurt myself. This is the first time outside of T (and the friend above that betrayed me) that I have told anyone this. I am so scared it is going to blow up in my face. Especially after this past weekend. I will see friend 2 in a couple hours and I am going to ask her to keep this just between us.

I see T tomorrow and want to talk to her about some of this as it plays into my CSA with my trust issues, but that would also be admitting what I did this weekend that was triggered from last weeks session. I know the answer to this and what I SHOULD and NEED to do. I wish it was that easy.

This is so jumbled. I can't form a single thought without tearing up. The walls the were being taken down one brick at a time are being built back up. I feel like I need to stop T, stopped associating with anyone outside my H and kids, and just live in my little bubble. At least it will feel safer.

I'm sorry your friend betrayed your trust. I hope that does not happen with friend 2. (Hugs) hope talking to your t is also helpful tomorrow. I know I go back and forth between wanting to tell my t stuff, and wanting never to see him again. I think csa can really mess a person up... shoot me a message if you ever want to chat. I can relate in a few things (the self harm, the csa, the lack of trust, and new-found focus on dealing with the csa)... Good luck with it all.

It is hard. Remember that a lot of our worries of the future are based on our perceptions; past, present, and future. I always try to comfort myself with reminding myself it may not be as bad as it seems, it may be the seeming that is the biggest problem; you know how when you are sick you sometimes think you'll never feel well again? Then when you are well, you can't quite remember how bad it was to be sick, you can "remember" but not feel it the same.

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's really hard when you have trust issues and people let you down. It's okay to feel wounded about this. Do try to talk to your T - you don't need to be alone with it.