Unintentionally testing T

Wren_ · 07:10 AM

Does anyone else find it hard not to unintentionally test their therapist? I was thinking about something we talked about the other day and had a sense of that he had somehow failed although at the time I hadn't been aware he was being tested. It wasn't something deliberate more a later recognition that I really wanted and needed him to respond in a way that he didn't. I think that this was reinforced because someone else also failed to react in the same way making the lack even more obvious and I started thinking of the idea of unintentional testing.

critterlady · Jul 05, 2013 at 08:25 AM

I think I do. Like when I had surgery recently and I thought he might call to see how I was. He didn't, of course, but I was disappointed. In retrospect, that seems like a test - if you really care about me like you say you do, you'll want to see how I'm doing. It was pretty passive-aggressive of me. If I wanted him to check on me, I should have asked him if he would.

Perna · Jul 05, 2013 at 08:46 AM

It's not really a test of the therapist, it's your feelings and they show you what you are thinking, feeling, doing; my T had me think about "disappointment" for a week for homework and, of course, within an hour of leaving the session my husband was disappointing me

It's good to see if you can catch yourself and discuss it with T (or whoever) right then. I had excellent breakthroughs both the week I had to think about "humiliation" and the next week with "disappointment". My stepmother's training growing up had done a job on me with the disappointment thing.

stopdog · Jul 05, 2013 at 09:49 AM

I don't try not to test the therapist. I think there is nothing wrong with testing a therapist.

Asiablue · Jul 05, 2013 at 09:53 AM

I set people up for tests they're not even aware of, and i am almost always disappointed. It's a bad habit. I do this with my t's too, especially with my T's actually. And sometimes i deliberately test or push a boundary just to see.... lol

content30 · Jul 05, 2013 at 10:22 AM

I guess I would not say that I test or tested my T, but I would say that I had her constantly on trial. Each of her reactions and actions affected my trust for her and the strengthening of our therapeutic relationship. The better she handled the little things, the more I was able to trust her with the big things.

scorpiosis37 · Jul 05, 2013 at 12:46 PM

I agree with Perna. I don't necessarily think it is "testing" the therapist, but it is wishing that they would react a certain way and then becoming disappointed when they don't. And yes, this has happened in my therapy as well. But, like others have said, when I notice that this is happening, I always try to bring it up in the moment so that I can stop myself and work through it with my T.

unaluna · Jul 05, 2013 at 12:56 PM

I hate these kinds of emotional tests. I usually fail them because the person giving them is conflicted - they are giving off mixed signals; they think they want one response but they sre also thinking of another response, and I'm picking up both, at least!

I think another problem of doing it in therapy is that you're expecting just a single reaction from your t, like from a friend listening to you, but a t is listening in a more complicated way -they have like at least 5 things say going on at once - they're not likely to just blurt out, gee that's awful! Or whatever, because they're paying attention to all these other things at the same time - what they're feeling, body language, idk what else!

tinyrabbit · Jul 05, 2013 at 03:07 PM

I find myself wanting to test my T a lot. I try to just be upfront about it rather than expecting him to telepathically know what I want. He says my acting out is rather more on my sleeve than most clients - it's because I'd rather just get to the point where I get what I want than mess about waiting for him to realise.

But then I'm constantly setting little tests as well, like little traps. And often he'll fail those, but then do something else, something better.

Wren_ · Jul 05, 2013 at 06:58 PM

If I'm aware there is some level of need or test then I'm learning to be more upfront and talk about it when its identified. Like the example critterlady gave with surgery - I've done that before and wished my T had asked and been hurt when he didn't. Now I ask before hand, let him clearly know what I expect, realise that he will probably let me down because my needs don't meet the reality of who he is as a person, and then sometimes I've been pleasantly surprised instead. It's the times I don't know that I'm wanting a reaction until later when I find it wasn't there and I wanted it! then I start thinking well ... was it a test; if it was he will probably fail all tests and remembering the many times I've read here things along the line of don't test your T's because they will fail

Hankster that's really interesting about the idea of T following along with 5 things at once; makes a lot of sense

Thanks for everyones input

Also planning to mention this with my T

unaluna · Jul 05, 2013 at 08:47 PM

I should add - my first h used to "test" me, and it was pretty awful. My mother also, so I may be a little oversensitive about it. I've also yelled at my t for trying it on me.

0w6c379 · Jul 05, 2013 at 10:18 PM

I don't see that hoping the T will respond in a certain way is a "test". I think sometimes you just want him (or anyone for that matter) to care. For example, say you call your T and cancel because you have the flu. The next week, let's say you are so sick with a fever you forgot to cancel your appointment altogether with T. Wouldn't it be somewhat natural to hope that your T would think enough of you to call and see how you are? Some people might say, oh well I guess Doris is sick again. Let me see if I can get in some paperwork during her hour. No thought of calling Doris at all because she is just a filler between 2 - 3 pm. I don't see any "test" in that scenario, neither intentional or unintentional. It's just someone wanting their T to care. Maybe that is too much to ask for? IDK.

unaluna · Jul 05, 2013 at 11:02 PM

Hmm. Yes, that might be normal. So I wonder if the t-cl relationship isn't 50-50, but the t waits until the client has approached him 90% of the way. YKWIM? Do we have to put ourselves out there that much more? They don't make it easy for us. Plus if it were easy for us, would we be in t?

Wren_ · Jul 06, 2013 at 02:09 AM

Quote:

I don't see that hoping the T will respond in a certain way is a "test". I think sometimes you just want him (or anyone for that matter) to care. For example, say you call your T and cancel because you have the flu. The next week, let's say you are so sick with a fever you forgot to cancel your appointment altogether with T. Wouldn't it be somewhat natural to hope that your T would think enough of you to call and see how you are? Some people might say, oh well I guess Doris is sick again. Let me see if I can get in some paperwork during her hour. No thought of calling Doris at all because she is just a filler between 2 - 3 pm. I don't see any "test" in that scenario, neither intentional or unintentional. It's just someone wanting their T to care. Maybe that is too much to ask for? IDK.

it's more that I caught myself thinking he failed that test; without having realised there was one. I know my T does care; even though I struggle with remembering and believing it at times

Quote:

Hmm. Yes, that might be normal. So I wonder if the t-cl relationship isn't 50-50, but the t waits until the client has approached him 90% of the way. YKWIM? Do we have to put ourselves out there that much more? They don't make it easy for us. Plus if it were easy for us, would we be in t?

Not sure hankster; then we have our T's own peculiarities to account for eg. mine responds to certain things differently to most people I know which compounds the confusion at times

purplemystery · Jul 06, 2013 at 07:21 AM

I unintentionally test my T a lot too. I'll act a certain way just to see if she will still accept me. I might act very unconfident or be very quiet and I'll try to fight with myself to say more or look at her, but I can't convince myself. It feels like I'm waiting to see how she will react... pretty fruitless. Thanks for this topic- maybe I'll bring it up with my T.

unaluna · Jul 06, 2013 at 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tigergirl

it's more that I caught myself thinking he failed that test; without having realised there was one.

It's pretty awesome that you "caught" yourself in that step. Sorry I missed this before! That kinda demonstrates the point. We can't change if we can't "slice" our behavior into these separate steps. In a similar situation for example I might just think, he failed then I'm lost, it's hopeless - and dissociate or get depressed or become self destructive without being able to pinpoint why.

mixedup_emotions · Jul 06, 2013 at 11:30 AM

One of the biggest tasks in my therapy is to learn how to get my needs met, be more direct and proactive in getting needs met, and taking the risk to ask. I believe my T intentionally does not "offer" so that I can learn.

I totally get the idea of not knowing that we have a need until we feel a certain way after the need is or isn't met. I try to see that as a learning opportunity.

unaluna · 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

One of the biggest tasks in my therapy is to learn how to get my needs met, be more direct and proactive in getting needs met, and taking the risk to ask. I believe my T intentionally does not "offer" so that I can learn.

I totally get the idea of not knowing that we have a need until we feel a certain way after the need is or isn't met. I try to see that as a learning opportunity.

Well put. That's what I was trying to say in the other thread about the t rs not being 50-50, more like 10-90.

I am constantly amazed at how well people write here!! I see the seed of thought in my mind, but I have no way of growing it. I dont know how y'all do it, honestly. Either it comes flying straight out of my mouth, or it doesnt!

Eta: oops I guess it was this thread after all! Doh! Im amazed at how well people can READ here!!

ultramar · Jul 06, 2013 at 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Michelle25

I don't see that hoping the T will respond in a certain way is a "test". I think sometimes you just want him (or anyone for that matter) to care. For example, say you call your T and cancel because you have the flu. The next week, let's say you are so sick with a fever you forgot to cancel your appointment altogether with T. Wouldn't it be somewhat natural to hope that your T would think enough of you to call and see how you are? Some people might say, oh well I guess Doris is sick again. Let me see if I can get in some paperwork during her hour. No thought of calling Doris at all because she is just a filler between 2 - 3 pm. I don't see any "test" in that scenario, neither intentional or unintentional. It's just someone wanting their T to care. Maybe that is too much to ask for? IDK.

I don't think it's a matter of a dichotomy between being either just a 'filler' on the one hand and someone who's cared about as evidenced by a therapist calling to see how you're doing with the flu on the other --there's a lot in between. A therapist can most certainly care about you and not call you to see how your fever and chills are going; this really isn't therapy-related and is something more that a friend or family-member would do.

I think it would be very unusual for a therapist to call a patient under these circumstances and when such (I think unrealistic) expectations are held, one is bound to end up disappointed, which can lead some people to spiral quite a bit and/or accusing the therapist of abandoning in a time of need. Of course, if a therapist has already set up a pattern of calling when the patient is sick, and then doesn't this one time, that would be different, but I would think this is unusual nonetheless.

I'm not sure where 'testing' and unrealistic expectations meet, but I suspect they intersect somewhere in some cases.

QuietCat · Jul 06, 2013 at 09:52 PM

Yes, I do this too.
I've had big fall-outs with T over it, because he didn't react the way I wanted, or he'd somehow foresee the test coming and block me from doing it, which frustrates me a LOT.

I still do these tests though. For example, I'm currently on a healthy eating kick, but I don't want to tell T because I want to see if he notices me lose weight.

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Unintentionally testing T

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stopdog underdog is here Member Since Sep 2011 Location: blank Posts: 34,832 (SuperPoster!) 12 1 hugs given	Jul 05, 2013 at 09:49 AM #4 I don't try not to test the therapist. I think there is nothing wrong with testing a therapist.
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Asiablue Grand Magnate Member Since Apr 2011 Location: in her own dark fairytale Posts: 3,086 13 435 hugs given	Jul 05, 2013 at 09:53 AM #5 I set people up for tests they're not even aware of, and i am almost always disappointed. It's a bad habit. I do this with my t's too, especially with my T's actually. And sometimes i deliberately test or push a boundary just to see.... lol __________________ INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)%
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content30 Veteran Member Member Since Jan 2013 Posts: 607 11 92 hugs given	Jul 05, 2013 at 10:22 AM #6 I guess I would not say that I test or tested my T, but I would say that I had her constantly on trial. Each of her reactions and actions affected my trust for her and the strengthening of our therapeutic relationship. The better she handled the little things, the more I was able to trust her with the big things.
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,186 (SuperPoster!) 13 67.2k hugs given	Jul 05, 2013 at 08:47 PM #11 I should add - my first h used to "test" me, and it was pretty awful. My mother also, so I may be a little oversensitive about it. I've also yelled at my t for trying it on me.
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,186 (SuperPoster!) 13 67.2k hugs given	Jul 05, 2013 at 11:02 PM #13 Hmm. Yes, that might be normal. So I wonder if the t-cl relationship isn't 50-50, but the t waits until the client has approached him 90% of the way. YKWIM? Do we have to put ourselves out there that much more? They don't make it easy for us. Plus if it were easy for us, would we be in t?
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QuietCat Member Member Since Sep 2012 Posts: 334 11 148 hugs given	Jul 06, 2013 at 09:52 PM #20 Yes, I do this too. I've had big fall-outs with T over it, because he didn't react the way I wanted, or he'd somehow foresee the test coming and block me from doing it, which frustrates me a LOT. I still do these tests though. For example, I'm currently on a healthy eating kick, but I don't want to tell T because I want to see if he notices me lose weight.
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