[Miswimmy1]

Ok sorry its kind of long.

So a little background... I'm in the transition between switching from an old t to a new t. Old t was accused of having issues with blurring boundaries. I am having a super hard time. I had a last family session scheduled with old t for saturday and a then i have a last individual session scheduled with old t for the week after.

I had a session with new t yesterday. I brought up my concerns regarding a last family session with old t. I was worried because most of past family sessions have been my parents hashing out all of their negative feelings and these sessions are usually more upsetting than productive. I was wanted my last individual session to be a good session, where we say our goodbyes, etc. I was afraid that it would be used to process what happened in the family session and I didn't think that was a good last meeting. New t agreed with me. But she went farther than agreed. Here a couple quotes:

"As you know, I am angry at old t. It sounds like she just wants this meeting as closure for herself. She wants your parents to forgive her. We know she has issues with boundaries."

At this point, I said, "I don't think my parents are very angry with her. Or if they are, they don't show it." my parents tend to be very open minded people, who like to look at all the perspectives. i have a hard time believing that they are full out angry. That's not their style. New t replied, "They sat in here while you were in residential and vented for a good 45 minutes about how pissed off they were at old t". I had nothing to say in reply. After a while of silence, I said, "well what do you think I should do?" Her quick response: "cancel the meeting. She wants this as a way to make herself feel better, and when a therapist puts themself first, thats bad therapy" That's what we agreed on and she told my parents that at the end of the session.

Now it doesn't just stop there. I began to have doubts about the cancelation as soon as i got out of the meeting. I began to feel like i was too easily pursuaded by what new t was saying to think about why we were having the meeting in the first place. I feel like we assumed that old t was doing it with bad intentions. As soon as i got home, I emailed old t and explained the situation, why I had thought it was a good idea to cancel, and what her thoughts on it were.

Now you have to keep in mind, we used to talk all the time- email, text, call. I expressed to her that i know that this was an issue that she probably wouldn't want to talk about over email (its not confidential enough) and I asked her to call me when she got a chance. I got a very cold reply from old t, basically saying that I screwed everything up by canceling the meeting, that I shouldn't have, blah blah blah. This is COMPLETELY out of the ordinary for her.

I was very upset, and i emailed new t about it, expressing that I was confused and worried about the situation. Then i emailed old t back. I said, "It seems like you have strong feelings on this, maybe we should talk about it." Again, I asked for a phone call. I got no response.

At this point, I was freaking out. new t called me then, and said that she would give old t a call, to check out the situation, and that she would call me back once she knew more. So thats where we stand now. im super anxious waiting, and I am super afraid to check my email in case she did write back this morning (all of this was yesterday).

I feel like I took to heart too much of what new t was saying, that I should have dealt with it on my own instead of just canceling. I feel like new t is going to be mean to old t during the phone call (because she openly expresses to me how much she dislikes old t). I feel like old t is mad at me. I feel like i ruined everything. I am tired of having to navigate the world of therapy. It shouldn't be this hard. Any thoughts?

[kaliope]

i feel you are trying to take care of old t, which isnt your job. old t should not have got upset with you or said that you messed things up. this was very unprofessional of her to do. goes along with her blurred boundaries and would make sense that she would do this if she needed the last session for herself as new t says. punishing you by not contacting you is very immature and unprofessional. i know you are very attached to her, but it is good that you are getting out of this relationship. it is best that new t is handling the phone call to her. i doubt she will be mean, she will handle it professionally. you dont need to be in the middle or need to protect her. she is a big girl.

[Miswimmy1]

OMG she wrote back. I'm so scared to open the email!!!!!! i just want to cry

[wotchermuggle]

I don't think either therapist is being professional or particularly helpful.

[Miswimmy1]

I psyched myself up and read it. She sounded just as mean and cold as she had before. She basically said she is setting boundaries. What those boundaries are was not specified. I guess boundaries means getting the cold shoulder. WTF

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

I psyched myself up and read it. She sounded just as mean and cold as she had before. She basically said she is setting boundaries. What those boundaries are was not specified. I guess boundaries means getting the cold shoulder. WTF

Who? Former or new T? The whole situation is so ridiculous all around.

[Miswimmy1]

old t...

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Who? Former or new T? The whole situation is so ridiculous all around.

This is the problem I am having, trying to figure out who is who. It sounds majorly overwhelming, and that maybe all of the details and whether to trust someone or who is confusing.

[~EnlightenMe~]

It sounds like sensory overload? Yes?

[Miswimmy1]

yeah, i'm just confused and scared and worried that everything was ruined.

[TheFrenchCount]

In England I have had just 3 Counsellors (talking therapists) but I was never in touch with them, I thought this was a standard thing. Is it like a school therapist? Anyway I do sometimes feel the same sort of way, not wanting to upset people even therapists (who are there to help you) but it's usually at these moments when I'm feeling so sensitive I don't want other people to potentially go through any pain as I am, when I could easily try to stop it. I'm not entirely clear on what it is old t wants your parents to forgive her for?

Anyway you should try not to worry too much about it because you shouldn't be stuck in the middle of this and definitely not to blame. I guess all three of you aren't happy about the situation so you should just try to be assertive about it, you might as well right? Although I know it can be difficult, I struggle with assertiveness myself. I've just started to realize that what do I have to lose you know but still. Life is difficult for everyone at times of course but if they can't handle it then it's bad therapy, and you should get someone else.

I hope that made sense ah anyway at least you are trying to get help so that's a positive, never blame yourself Try to take your mind off it for now.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

.... I am tired of having to navigate the world of therapy. It shouldn't be this hard. Any thoughts?

I TOTALLY agree with you. It shouldn't be this hard. All you've done is be a client, and the adults and professionals are mucking around in the background of your life. I think I would be ready to curl up and space out watching some mindless TV program - maybe Cagney & Lacey - something that doesnt' take a lot of thinking but I enjoy it anyway (I have Sharon Gless AND Tyne Daly). I think I might do this for a very long time.

I hope things work out for you. We'll be here for you.

[Favorite Jeans]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This sounds really, really hard, full of rejection and manipulation. I really think that both new and old T are seriously lacking in skills and are behaving immaturely and unprofessionally. It sounds like old T needs you to validate her and new T needs you to see things her way and be right. I'm appalled that new T told you something that your parents probably told her in confidence just to prove that she's right and you're wrong about your parents' feelings about old T.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

yeah, i'm just confused and scared and worried that everything was ruined.

What is "ruined"? It feels to me like you are trying or feel you need to be the adult here?

[Syra]

Originally Posted by hankster

What is "ruined"? It feels to me like you are trying or feel you need to be the adult here?

It sounds to me like the old T will not relate to her as happened previously. A T she is attached to. The new T is angry at her just as they get started, and further is willing to trash the old T quickly and easily - someone the client is fond of.

Perhaps all is not ruined, but I think I would be feeling afraid that too much had been ruined if I was going through this.

[hinzc7711]

It is difficult I'm sure, as you were comfortable with old t. Having to move on to a new t can be beneficial for both the t and the patients. I would take a break from new t and give both t time to get over the situation or work it out. If the end of the "professional" relationship with old t happens, then so be it. You need to be a little selfish and insist on new t focus on you as a patient instead of "their" relationships as professionals. Hope it works out for you.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

old t...

Her 'boundary' is making you feel guilty for cancelling? This isn't a 'boundary' not even in the ballpark. Maybe she is using that word as a message/a way to prove that she is a therapist who institutes boundaries, with all the accusations that she's not, but she's completely misusing the word. Maybe she feels she is losing you and is trying, therefore, desperately to control the situation (this does sound controlling).

I'm very sorry this is happening. You do have the option to ask to reinstate the appointment. Maybe you would get some closure (and you are what is important, not anyone else). Especially since, I have a feeling that -through e-mail- this isn't going to work out well.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by ultramar

...(and you are what is important, not anyone else).,,

I smiled when I read this. Beautifully said.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by Syra

It sounds to me like the old T will not relate to her as happened previously. A T she is attached to. The new T is angry at her just as they get started, and further is willing to trash the old T quickly and easily - someone the client is fond of.

Perhaps all is not ruined, but I think I would be feeling afraid that too much had been ruined if I was going through this.

Exactly how I feel...

.
Triangling = A process in which two family members lower the tension level between them by drawing in a third member.

Please read about this... because your situation is screaming it.

Triangling does not have to happen just between family member, it can happen between friends, multiple therapists... etc.

[iGottaBme]

[quote=Miswimmy1;3163796]Ok sorry its kind of long.

"As you know, I am angry at old t. It sounds like she just wants this meeting as closure for herself. She wants your parents to forgive her. We know she has issues with boundaries."

quote]

I believe that your parents did vent to your new T about your old T. They may have expressed some frustration over the fact that you were receiving outpatient treatment only to end up in residential. Perhaps they were upset that you were so attached to your old t and hoped that you would have looked more to them for your needs and your old T did not do enough to facilitate it. Neither of these possibilities have anything to do with what you have done but are just some normal feelings that parents have. We get upset when we see that too little, or too much is being done for our children.

With her behavior on this final visit, your old T is reinforcing to your new T that she will choose her interest over your own. If your old T can see that she failed you in certain ways, she may want your parents (or your) forgiveness. But your new T should keep opinions about old T to herself because it is only hurtful to you and does not paint the entire picture.

Your old T has boundary issues and needs supervision. However, the constant criticism aimed at old T is not helping anyone. If someone was constantly taking shots at me, I would do everything possible to make it stop which is why she may be acting so cold towards you. She just wants it to end. She doesn't want you to go away, just those people taking shots at her. Her reaction isn't aimed at you.

Your new T needs to lighten up. At this point, I wonder what new T is getting out of being angry at old T.

My heart aches for you. I wish that you could start with a new T. Under the circumstances, is it something that your parents would consider?

[WikidPissah]

((((missy))))

This totally sux. You should not be in this very awkward situation at all. Both t's are ruining it, NOT YOU. It is really hard for a professional (old T) to accept that they messed up, or didn't help, or were less than fabulous. BUT, remember email and text are a limited form of communication. She should have phoned you, but for whatever reasons (and it may just be because she is swamped right now) she didn't. You cannot hear her voice or inflection in her email. It may not be meant as cold or mean. It could have been just a brief quick email.

If she did tell you that "you messed it all up" she is outright wrong.
I don't like new T trashing old T either.

All of the adults in your life are scrambling, and I honestly think that all of them (including new and old t) want what's best for you. They all care for you and want you to be okay. They may all be stepping on one another while trying to do that, but please focus on the thought that they all care. Is there one person (maybe your mom?) who you can share this grave weight with? Someone who can stand up for you and get everyone to calm the ef down and help you sort thru all this? It's a lot for anyone to manage, let alone a teenager.

My heart goes out to you.

[Perna]

Sounds like they got you going in a three-way and that's bad therapy management on their parts if you ask me. I would not worry about the two of them, let them hash it out however they do that, you can't control that. Just concentrate on you and what you are starting with new T.

[mixedup_emotions]

Ugh. This sounds SO hard and most definitely not something you need to be enduring. This transition is difficult enough!

((( HUGS )))

[phaset]

Miswimmy, I've been reading your posts over the last few months and what you've been through has been heartbreaking. I'm sure this is terribly distruptive to working on what brought you into therapy in the first place. Do you think you will be able to trust New T after all this is over?