[RockMaterial]

I have a problem. I just started seeing my first therapist and while it's nice to talk to someone close to my own age (young adult), she is being mentored by a head therapist and she's rather unexperienced at field work. I don't want to move to another therapist because I hear it's hard to find someone you 'click' with and I went through a lot of trouble/stress to find my current one. I've always been very good at putting on a face or act to appease the people around me, and I think it's starting to affect my sessions. She sees and has commented on how quick-witted and friendly I am, but having never shown anyone how I really feel on the inside, it's hard for me to let her in. I've literally spent most of my life perfecting this mental wall and I feel so 'naked' when I share the most trivial of situations or emotions with her. Is it just the newness of therapy to me that is causing me to have trouble telling deep emotions or do I need to seek a different therapist?

[CantExplain]

Probably just newness.

It takes a lot of getting used to, and for me it never felt entirely right. Maybe it's not supposed to feel right. Maybe the whole point is to keep you slightly off balance.

[Victoria'smom]

actually tell her that you use humor in situations that yo. Are un comfortable with and as a way to deflect anything that you don't want to talk about. its best if you're upfront about that so that she can help you. the fast she knows this the better for your therapy.

[tinyrabbit]

This sounds like it's about you, not your T, so I suspect the issue would still be there whoever you actually went to. I think a lot of us feel this way.

[FeelTheBurn]

It took me many months to fully trust my therapist. Some people take years. Give it time; the resistance and fear is normal, and not at all a reflection of you or your T. It's very likely that she knows full well that you're not all happy and shiny on the inside; it sounds like she's giving you the space to get comfortable and have control over your level of vulnerability. That's a good thing.

Pay attention to those little moments of openness you allow yourself, and note her responses. Self-revelation is difficult, especially for those of us who have built strong walls against it. It often will feel painful and awkward, especially at first. I trust my T now to the point that I would let her lead me blindfolded into a burning building, but that's after many, many sessions of experiencing her trustworthiness. And it's STILL painful and awkward to reveal myself to her, even with all that trust. But it is so, so worth it.

So, give yourself time and space to build trust, and to experience how she reacts when you share difficult feelings or thoughts. Odds are, if your first few tries leave you feeling heard (which is an AMAZING feeling, don't cheat yourself out of it, it's great), then you're probably on the right track.

Good for you for your brave step into finding help for yourself. I always felt that self-preservation and self-revelation were opposites; my T helped me realize that self-revelation and self-preservation can often be closely entwined. Good luck, and keep posting!

ETA: part of effective therapy is finding the "good enough" therapist. The other part is the client's willingness to stretch and challenge himself to do the very hard work of healing. The quality of your therapy very much depends on you; it's your life and your heart and your mind.