I lost the trust in T

Hi everyone!

I am a very 'closed' person and it's hard for me to really trust someone.

I have been doing therapy for about 8 months. When i started it, i had the feeling that T saw me as a stupid person that shouldn't even be in therapy, and i struggled with the urge to stop going because i felt really ridiculous to go there. After about 2 months, i decided to stop going and i told my T i wasn't going anymore, at the end of a session. She said that she would respect my decision but liked me going there and if i ever needed to talk i knew where she was.

After a month i became feeling even more suicidal than i was before and decided to give it another try. I tried harder to open myself and talk about really difficult topics, and the feeling of ridiculousness i felt before almost never showed.

Now, after 6 consecutive months, i'm feeling more than ever that i was wasting our time. I was talking about my parents and hinted at the topic of physical abuse between them and she acted very surprised as if it was the first time i ever talked about it. How could she forget something like this? This is not an insignificant detail... The fact is that i feel that i am not allowed to talk about this, i always get the feeling that when she asks questions about this topic she uses a judgemental tone and i feel ashamed for feeling bad for what happened.

I feel like after all this time she has no idea what my issues are, and feel ridiculous, stupid and ashamed for thinking that she would listen to me. The first feelings she triggered in me in the beginning now came back super strong. It's so stupid, but i feel hurt. My first thought was to never go back. However, i will go to the next session and try to explain her what i wrote here. It's going to be hell, since it's very difficult for me to talk about feelings at all, let alone when the trust was broken.

Has this ever happened to any of you? Did you 'recover' from it? Or was the trust so damaged that you decided that was time to move on and try another professional?

I'm sorry for the long post... (and forgive me any language error, i am not a native english speaker)

I had a lot of trouble over 9 years with my therapist's questions because my stepmother's questions were always judgmental and trying to prove I was "wrong". Your T is asking questions because she does not know, needs clarification and to check her own assumptions about your words, make sure she is on the same page as you!

Assuming we know the meaning of perceived emotions from another is stretching it. First, it's our perceptions and we could be reading emotions into it from our own issues and second, putting a "why" they are feeling what we think they are feeling without knowing them or asking them is not a good idea either.

Your T seemed to ask surprised to you and you attributed it to the topic of physical abuse between them but I bet that segment of interaction between you and T was larger than that and what exactly surprised her may be unknown to you. But you then go right into assuming some of the meaning of her surprise means that she has forgotten previous discussions.

You probably should start noting, "You look surprised? Don't you remember our discussing this before" or, better yet, "It feels to me like you are surprised, what is surprising to you?" and check out your perceptions and assumptions.

I think it would be helpful to think about what you know, and what you just think you know. You evidently perceive yourself negatively, so you assume your T thinks the same - you had the feeling that your T saw you as a stupid person, which I very much doubt was actually the case.

It's possible you are hearing a judgemental tone that isn't there. I know that happens to me a lot. I think it would really help you to tell your T all of this and find out her side of things.

I have found it really helpful to check out my perceptions of what my T is thinking about me. I usually find I was wildly wrong. You feel what you feel for a reason, and all of this can help your T understand you better, which in turn can help build trust again.

Thank you for your answers

Perna: yes, questions are very important. But is it necessary to ask the same questions about the same topic? I mean, either she is testing me to see if my answers are consistent or she forgot them (or maybe there is another explanation, i just can think of these 2)... I'm not talking about questions about perceptions of a certain event, obviously that can change, but questions about facts.
As for the judgemental tone, i hear it when i try to pull this particular topic, so i never say what i feel, i just shut myself emotionally and change subject. I don't think i should feel what i feel, like i am not allowed to, and probably i assume she must think the same (again, as you noted, i assume that i know what she thinks).

tinyrabbit: yes, you're right, it would be helpful to know if my perceptions are right, as you do. The problem is that i get afraid that what she thinks will be worse than i think, so i avoid this at all costs... and sometimes i think that if i asked her she would ask me to don't come back.

I really need to say these things to her, but after 8 months it is still a struggle to talk about these stuff (related to the therapy itself), or even say to her that trying to talk to her is a struggle... I get really frustrated because i prepare all week to say something and then nothing of that will come out of my mouth. Does this happen to you?

How about printing out your post, bringing it in, and having her read it? That way, the only courage you need is to walk in the door and hand it to her. Your post is clear, expresses your fears and feelings very well and with an admirable level of "owning" your part in the process. If I was a T and read that from my client, I would be glad to get such a brave and clear expression, and would be happy to discuss and clarify.

This has the potential to be a turning point in your therapy. Believe me, if your T greets it as a competent T should, you'll feel heard and it will feel great, and it will lead to a deeper sense of trust in her. And if she totally botches it, you'll know you're leaving for the "right" reasons.

Go for it! And know that there will be people here pulling for you, and eager to hear the results and cheer you on.

Thank you, FeelTheBurn, that is a great idea

I will try to do that, i hope i can do it (i already tried to take a paper with stuff i wanted to say, but i was never able to take it out of the pocket )

Because they're human and no one's work is ever fully done, sometimes a T will be triggered or have trouble staying present for you at certain times (say because of their own stress or personal issues) or on certain topics (because of their own experiences or unexamined biases for example.) Maybe this is going on for your T.
My T recently told me that she perhaps hadn't understood the depth of my distress about something we'd discussed a few months ago. I was telling her how alone I'd been feeling with all this stuff that was coming up in therapy. I said it felt like she'd dropped me off in a bad neighbourhood to fend for myself. I asked her why she thought she had missed that (because I thought I had been pretty open about how I was feeling.) She said that there was maybe stuff going on in her life that hadn't allowed her to really stay with me the way I'd needed her to. So I pressed her a little about it because "stuff" seemed so obscure and I was really curious (she doesn't disclose a whole lot in general.) Anyway she told me a bit about what she thought may have been interfering with her focus. And she apologized and said that this was her stuff to work on in her own time (ie not on mine.) I felt very grateful for her willingness to own her part of what goes in therapy and felt more trusting because I now know she cares enough to work on it.
All this is a long winded way of saying... Tell your T about feeling judged or not heard or whatever you're feeling. If she's really good she'll be able to think hard about what she's bringing to it. She could also clarify and say "I was surprised because ___" or "I wasn't surprised, I was thinking/feeling____."

That does happen to me, yes. I sometimes email things to my T to read at the start of the session as I won't get them out otherwise.

My hability to boycott a session is astonishing...

I entered and handed her the paper and she told me to read it so we could discuss it together. I refused to do it because it was written in english, so she said I could translate it, but I said I wouldn't do that either and just put the paper back inside my pocket.

I basically stood there quiet looking down and refused to talk about anything... We agreed that I was to give her the paper right before leaving the room, and we would discuss the subject next week.

I was so mad at myself that, in a second, I decided I was done with that, left without giving her the paper, paid at the reception, didn't schedule the next session and left. I was driving home and then it hit me that if I didn't go next week it would be even harder to go a next time, and that I was doing what I always do: running away and avoiding.

I came back, scheduled the appointment for next week, and then I waited until she was about to leave (I was there almost an hour) and gave her the paper. Ugh, talk about being ridiculous

Crises and ruptures seem to be a part of the process.
Or put it another way, Ts are stubborn and inflexible.

Ah, lunipip, don't be too hard on yourself. You traveled a winding road, but you eventually got where you needed to be!

I felt a twinge of disappointment that your T wouldn't just read the paper herself--I wouldn't count that as bad, just a bit more rigid than seems necessary. And yes, your reaction was over the top, but completely understandable: you had maxed out your courage and strength with bringing the paper in. If that had been my T, I probably would have expressed very strongly how hard it was just to get that far, and that I needed her to meet me halfway and read the damn thing herself.

But, baby steps! Again, you have shown great self-discipline and commitment to yourself by turning around and making the appointment, and giving her the letter. Congratulations ten times over! And put the stick down, you did fine.

This is an AWESOME accomplishment! Way to do something different!!

Yes! Don't be so hard on yourself. You did something really difficult. So what if it took a little extra time? The important thing is you didn't run away, and went back even though you felt embarrassed. That all takes courage!

My favorite slogan: Therapy ain't easy ....