How does a client's suicide affect their T?

I remember when I first wrote a letter to my T. I hadn’t done it before because I for some reason hadn’t ever thought of doing it. But I wrote her this letter and in it, I expressed my feelings about my life and situation at the time. I remember when she read it, her eyes got starry and I could tell that she was trying really hard not to cry. I couldn’t understand why she was so affected by it, so I asked her what she found was so moving about it. She told me that it was beautiful. She said that it was beautifully written and it was beautiful that I managed to actually express my feelings. That surprised me because I didn’t find what I wrote to be particularly beautiful and I didn’t realize that I wasn’t opening up to other people at all previously. I guess somewhere along the road, I lost my ability to communicate my feelings to others and I didn’t manage to refind that ability until I started writing again.

When you said “this is beautiful” in your post, you reminded me of something good about this summer: I never lost my ability to express myself. I was worried that being here and not having anyone I felt safe talking to would make me bottle up my feelings again and crawl back inside the shell I made to protect myself from the outside world. But I didn’t. I kept writing and I somehow managed to open up on an online forum which facilitated me to be even more open. I would never have been able to do that last summer. I guess despite all of the bad things I did to myself and the deterioration of my mental state throughout the summer, I still made progress. Well, maybe I didn’t make progress, but I didn’t lose everything I gained. Maybe my T won’t be as disappointed in me as I’m afraid she will be when I see her again.

So thank you.

Eta: but it's a good crying!

I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry.

Really it's a good thing! I really connected to what you were saying about your parents, and the idea that my way of expressing that just happened to connect to something for you was pretty sweet. I designed a homecoming float my sophomore or junior year and it won first prize (just a giganto football in our school colors). I never even went to the parade, I never took an art class, so there was like no acknowledgement. Just some girls yelling at me later because the seniors were "supposed" to win or stg. So I am just really happy that you have that merit scholarship and are able to pursue your art. It's wonderful to read about and it helps me if I can support you in any small encouraging way.

And it helps me to feel a little bit less alone when I have someone to talk to. It's really hard to be an extravert in near total isolation. I'm going completely insane.

growlithing, I've been really happy to hear you say positive things about your music and your progress. I love to hear the spirit in your voice!

Do you write music too growlithing?

Nope. Not my thing. I've tried but I'm really a performer.

I'm just trying to hold it together. 20 days now. It's really hard though because it feels like time is not moving and I'm falling with nothing to hold on to.

I can only imagine how difficult it is. Do not minimize what you are in the process of doing. I know that it is hard to hold it together. You can do it!

Remember though not to think (much) about 20 days. Just think about today. You need to hold it together for today. You can worry about another day...on another day!

Hang in there!

Anything we can do to help pass the time?

I'm trying really hard. It's just so easy to get so frustrated and upset with being trapped that I start hurting myself and think about sui.

Days are too long. I have to go by the hour to make it more manageable for me considering that every second feels like a year.

Thanks for wanting to help. Talking helps.

I haven't seen my T in months. I'm worried that in thinking about her and missing her that I forgot what she was really like. I'm scared that I have this image of my T in my mind that I've added to throughout the summer and when I see her again in a few weeks, she'll disappoint me.

Hang in there, growlithing! Your passion for music is something to keep you going when you've got nothing else, isn't it?

About your T. Yes, seeing her after an absence of months may be challenging. I would suggest not basing your feelings on one session, and trying not to think in terms of disappointment. It takes time to re-establish a relationship, therapy or otherwise. I hope it goes well!!

I'm glad this thread has helped you feel less alone!

Yes. Music has saved my life so many times. I don't think I would have made it to age 18 without it. It gives my life purpose and it makes me feel valued. Maybe someday I'll develop a sense of purpose and self worth outside of music, but for now I'll take it.

I had a dream last night that I saw her and she was completely dismissive of me. I don't normally dream about her but every time I do, it's distressing.

Could it be that your dream is a projection of your fear that you'll disappoint her? I think that would be a pretty common feeling to have.

I don't know. It was not so cut and dry that I was disappointing her. Maybe I was. The dream session started with me forgetting something and getting nervous about that so I ran out to grab it. Then I couldn't tell her what happened over the summer and she just started telling me about the check out process that my school has at the end of the year if you live in the dorms. I remember feeling angry with myself that I forgot to bring things and that I couldn't tell her about anything that happened over the summer or how I feel about her. And she was frustrated and dismissive of what I did say. I don't know. Maybe it was a projection of that fear.

How might you find T disappointing?

What do you make of the dream?

I guess I'm worried that maybe she doesn't like me or care about me as much as I thought she did at the end of the year.

It sounds like you fear that she will let you down, betray your trust, just like others have. That she will dismiss you and not even listen to you.

Yeah. I guess that is the problem.

I hate being here so much. They just love my siblings and I'm the one that never should have been born. I grew up feeling like a mistake and reliving that makes me upset every morning that I woke up again.

You are not a mistake. My family's craziness was similar--someone had to be the scapegoat, why not me?? Fight the urge to believe their crazy construction of reality.

real reality is out there for you just waiting.

I am a mistake in this context. My parents wanted a kid but they didn't want me. I know that for a fact. My mom told me that I'm such a burden she wishes I wasn't born. That's why she likes my sister so much better. She's the daughter she wanted as opposed to what I turned out to be.

Others seem to feel that you were a mistake but i for one am glad to know you and feel fortunate for that chance.