[growlycat]

I am struggling in therapy with being pushed to try things outside my comfort zone. I know this is supposed to be part of the deal, but I am getting to the point where the things T is asking me to try are just too overwhelming.

I'm afraid of not only stalling out my progress, but in disappointing T also.

I'm just able to barely do this week's homework (re: reaching out socially to people at work) but next week, maybe I won't be able to do it at all.

Not only that but I feel a lot of despair about not being able to fix this part of myself. I've felt a twinge of suicidality that hasn't been there in a long time.

How did or or have you pushed through the seemingly impossible tasks set out by your T??

Sometimes their timing can be off too.... If T is pushing too hard, slam on the breaks. Celebrate the victories and relish in the glory, then you live to try and try again another day after you build up some more strength. Slow and steady wins the race.

[learning1]

Is pushing inherently part of the deal with therapy? I told my t last week that I don't really believe in being pushed in therapy anymore, and she complied with not pushing me about the topic I told her I felt pushed about. I expected she would go along with that because she's very gentle and nice.

I believed in pushing being part of therapy before my last therapist was nasty to me and pushed me to quit, but now I realize I was foolish to let him push me all along. I pushed myself to trust that he was trying to help when he got pushy, just because I thought that's what you're supposed to do in therapy, even though the way he acted was sometimes directly contradictory to anything that I would consider helpful in a normal relationship. Now I realize he was pushing because he had no real connection with me, didn't really respect the issues I wanted to work on, and was willing to hurt me rather than try to listen when he lost patience with his lack of understanding or interest in my issues. So I think if it feels like a therapist is pushing, it is a good sign to be careful and tell them to back off. Most of them are probably not likely to be as explicitly nasty as my former t, but you have to watch out.

I know some clients believe getting pushed helps you make progress and they want to be pushed. I think for those clients, the pushing must be different, less harsh, or less real, more like a game where the client believes the therapist would never seriously push them or give up on them. Maybe your therapist will be supportive of any effort you make as far as socializing at work, but not all therapists will be supportive like that, some will be critical or impatient. So I'd say make sure your therapist respects you and your issues enough before taking his or her suggestions about what you should do too seriously. The therapist isn't the one who has to live with it if his or her suggestions are wrong.

Push back. Tell him no. Set your boundaries.

My T pushes at times. Usually I have no problem with it, but every now and then I just have to tell him now is not the time. He completely respects that and will hear me out.
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I think for many years I was a pleaser. I believed I had to do whatever was asked in order to be accepted, but one of the things I've learned, in great part because of my T who insists I hold my ground when I need to, is that I can be an independent thinker. I can stand up for what I need at a given time. And you know what? The world has yet to end. In fact, in every single case, taking care of myself and voicing what I need has worked out well for me.

Take care of you. Voice when this isn't working for you. You aren't powerless.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I am struggling in therapy with being pushed to try things outside my comfort zone. I know this is supposed to be part of the deal, but I am getting to the point where the things T is asking me to try are just too overwhelming.

I'm afraid of not only stalling out my progress, but in disappointing T also.

I'm just able to barely do this week's homework (re: reaching out socially to people at work) but next week, maybe I won't be able to do it at all.

Not only that but I feel a lot of despair about not being able to fix this part of myself. I've felt a twinge of suicidality that hasn't been there in a long time.

How did or or have you pushed through the seemingly impossible tasks set out by your T??

I had a homework assignment of giving out thank you cards to people at work. I hated everyone and would never do anything social with them, but was asked to find something good they done and leave them a thank you note. I gave one person a card(she was kind of new) thanking her for always finding me and saying good morning, I gave another a card thanking him for always being nice to me even under pressure.

[Perna]

How are you being asked to reach out socially? There are degrees to everything, steps, like in goal setting? I would not start with the hardest activity or more than one person, etc. Make a batch of cookies and take them into the kitchen/break room at work and make sure people know they were made by you. That's "social" and gives you a little bit of easy opportunity to have people thank you and/or trade recipes/talk about favorite desserts, but would be pretty time limited to that day. You would not have to look forward with dread or analyze much (why did that person not want to come; I don't think they like me? :-)

Your T is not doing it for herself, you cannot let her down, it is for you! Make the project yours, define it yourself. Do you not want to be socially more comfortable around people? You have to practice, just doing stuff in your head won't work? Try to think of it as an experiment instead of taking it "personally", pretend you are reading about the activity and are a bit removed from it. Read some novels and pay attention to the social niceties; when someone shakes another person's hand, next time you shake hands with someone, remember that story you have read It's like us taking people from here at PC in our pockets to therapy; we know we're not alone. Tell us about what you plan to try in a Social or Self-Help thread and then when you do it you will have a bunch of us "with" you

[feralkittymom]

Generally, if you have reason to trust your T up till now, and if your T is demonstrating support, being pushed a bit outside your comfort zone can be a good thing. But only you can really determine how much is too much. If you share those thoughts with your T, it would help refine the process.

I think it's great to be aware of your reactions--feeling SUI twinges is definitely something that needs to be shared. Don't let those thoughts go around in your head unanswered.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Push back. Tell him no. Set your boundaries.

My T pushes at times. Usually I have no problem with it, but every now and then I just have to tell him now is not the time. He completely respects that and will hear me out.
.
I think for many years I was a pleaser. I believed I had to do whatever was asked in order to be accepted, but one of the things I've learned, in great part because of my T who insists I hold my ground when I need to, is that I can be an independent thinker. I can stand up for what I need at a given time. And you know what? The world has yet to end. In fact, in every single case, taking care of myself and voicing what I need has worked out well for me.

Take care of you. Voice when this isn't working for you. You aren't powerless.

Yes. That's it I think.

[stopdog]

I just tell the woman to back off or simply "no, I 'm not doing that."
It seems to work.

[growlycat]

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts. T has been good to me, so I don't think there is anything but goodwill behind the homework. It may be too big of a step and I need to take a smaller one?

I'm trying to "be mindful" of what these exercises stir up for me--the hard part will be letting T know!!!!!

[growlithing]

Yeah if you are feeling a little bit sui, you need to tell her and that's probably a good indicator that she's pushing too hard.

My T was really pushing me to open up about my feelings for her to her, and when she was doing it I felt really REALLY overwhelmed by that. I eventually just COMPLETELY shut her down. She said "do you want me to stop bringing this up?" And I told her "well, how about you just keep trying and see how far it gets you". Luckily, she wasn't offended by my rudeness (she found it amusing) but I feel a little bit more ready to talk about it now than 6-7 months ago. So I guess it sometimes takes more time. You should tell her about this.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by growlycat

... I know this is supposed to be part of the deal, but I am getting to the point where the things T is asking me to try are just too overwhelming...

I know some poeple, and some Ts, think it is part of the deal, but the therapists I have don't push me. Sometimes they encourage me to consider something, or try something, but they'll also listen to my reluctance and support me where I am.

I did have one T who did push me. It totally didn't work. I felt invalidated and invisible and it didn't help. I've gotten farther with support and gentle nudging and encouragement, and acceptance of where I am.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts. T has been good to me, so I don't think there is anything but goodwill behind the homework. It may be too big of a step and I need to take a smaller one?

Goodwill doesn't make it right for you. It's okay to tell your T no. Especially if it's making you feel sui.

[shadowrock]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I am struggling in therapy with being pushed to try things outside my comfort zone. I know this is supposed to be part of the deal, but I am getting to the point where the things T is asking me to try are just too overwhelming.

I'm afraid of not only stalling out my progress, but in disappointing T also.

I do understand and have sympathy for you. But I think that disappointing T is the last thing you need to worry about. A well-trained T is supposed to know how much she can push and how to push, really depending on each individual case.

I have been on a trauma T for two years. At the beginning, there was not much going on due to my strong sense of self-protection. I was assigned to keep journaling for memories and nightmares when I woke up at night. Still anything I put down was rationalized. T usually just took a look and gave back to me. One day he asked me to readout a journal entry in front of him. I was very reluctant but took it as a therapeutic order. I was sweating and short of breath when it’s done. He then asked me to repeat it. I was almost furious but still tolerated. Half way through, I burst into tears.

It truly pushed my limits, but to my surprise, it also served as a breakthrough, penetrated the rational wall of my self-protection, and opened up some necessary space for the therapeutic work.

Of course, this is just my experience.

[growlycat]

Thanks everyone! I will bring up the sui feelings with him when I see him Mon.

The sad thing is, I did do the homework (invite one or two coworkers to lunch.)

I ended up inviting 3, and all 3 had to cancel. Two seemed to have legit reasons, but coworker 3 had a lame reason to say no. So I'm left feeling really weird, like I was right in resisting the homework. I should be happy that I did it.

I'm going to have to let him know how this affected me. I think I want T to like me too much so maybe I come across healthier than I really am?

I suppose the word "push" is my own; he may only gently prodding me in reality, but it feels like too much.

You invited them... I call that a successful completion!

[learning1]

I think your t is pushing. It doesn't matter if he just thinks it's gentle, he doesn't know what it's really like, you do.