Ending it with my T.

slbest · Jul 26, 2013, 05:51 PM

Hi there. So on july 11th I stopped going to see my T. After that session I emailed her and said I wanted to cancel the next session, she emailed back and asked why and then when I said I needed more continuity she said ok and that was it. Its been a little over 2 weeks with no contact and I am still sad. I stopped seeing her because we weren't on the same wave length and she wasn't helping me anymore and I'd been seeing her for 6 years! She also goes on vacation a lot and I couldn't handle not seeing her for 1 to 2 weeks at a time. I just feel like I had no closure and really want some closure, but not sure what I want from that, but I do really miss her, especially after seeing her for 6 years!! Help....any advice would be great!

Syra · Jul 26, 2013, 06:10 PM

Ouch. That sounds so painful. I'm sorry this has happened.

Have you given thought to what options you might consider? (and as I ask that, I want to convey that I'm sorry you have think, or not think, about htis, and that she didn't make efforts to have some kind of closure. I think she should have.

wotchermuggle · Jul 26, 2013, 06:28 PM

Did you actually tell your T that you were terminating? There's no harm in going back for some closure or continued discussion about your needs in therapy.

If she can't meet your needs, she will tell you.

TheRealFDeal · Jul 26, 2013, 06:41 PM

She just said, "OK"? She should have suggested that you have a few termination sessions to provide that "closure."

iGottaBme · Jul 26, 2013, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slbest

Hi there. So on july 11th I stopped going to see my T. After that session I emailed her and said I wanted to cancel the next session, she emailed back and asked why and then when I said I needed more continuity she said ok and that was it. Its been a little over 2 weeks with no contact and I am still sad. I stopped seeing her because we weren't on the same wave length and she wasn't helping me anymore and I'd been seeing her for 6 years! She also goes on vacation a lot and I couldn't handle not seeing her for 1 to 2 weeks at a time. I just feel like I had no closure and really want some closure, but not sure what I want from that, but I do really miss her, especially after seeing her for 6 years!! Help....any advice would be great!

It is normal to miss someone that you have been seeing for 6 years and may be especially difficult if there is no real termination process. Have you given any thought over the years how you would like to terminate with your T and how that process would go? If so, you may want to call and ask for a session or two to wrap things up and incorporate some of those things. Since I do not believe that closure is possible in most situations, I think the most that we can hope for is a meaningful good-bye.

slbest · Jul 26, 2013, 06:59 PM

Thanks for the replies! She didn't mention any closure sessions or anything. I did not tell her I wanted to terminate, I just said I didn't want to see her anymore because of inconsistency and that was it. I left it really open ended which I don't like and it makes it feel like there is unfinished business. Its been a little over 2 weeks since our "last" session. Do you think its worth it to give her a call or go and have a few more sessions for an official end? I am currently seeing a therapist that I have seen in the past and liked her so I went back to her and its going great so would going back to the one i "ended" with just make it harder for myself? Or would it provide the closure I need? Thoughts please!

CantExplain · Jul 26, 2013, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slbest

Hi there. So on july 11th I stopped going to see my T. After that session I emailed her and said I wanted to cancel the next session, she emailed back and asked why and then when I said I needed more continuity she said ok and that was it. Its been a little over 2 weeks with no contact and I am still sad. I stopped seeing her because we weren't on the same wave length and she wasn't helping me anymore and I'd been seeing her for 6 years! She also goes on vacation a lot and I couldn't handle not seeing her for 1 to 2 weeks at a time. I just feel like I had no closure and really want some closure, but not sure what I want from that, but I do really miss her, especially after seeing her for 6 years!! Help....any advice would be great!

One of the things I detest about therapy is the way therapists won't fight to keep the relationship alive. That just sucks, and no matter how rational it might be I refuse to accept it.

slbest · Jul 26, 2013, 08:17 PM

Yeah! It makes me feel like she didn't care about me! I mean come on...eve after 6 years?

purplemystery · Jul 26, 2013, 08:40 PM

My T has personally said that she wouldn't contact me to ask me to come back if I ever decided not to (though I had only been seeing her for 6 weeks). It is a policy through her clinic. Though I definitely agree that Ts should reach out to clients (especially since you've had such a long relationship!), it may be frowned upon. Or maybe she misunderstood your e-mail and thinks that you want a break for the time being, but will be coming back. Another possibility I see is that goodbyes are hard for T's too, and maybe yours is avoiding the emotional work of termination. There are a variety of possibilities, and I think it is worth it to get closure and end your relationship on a good note if you can muster up the courage to go back.

Jul 26, 2013, 08:53 PM

My T said his policy is to touch base a few weeks to a few months after a client terminates unexpectedly. He feels it is unethical not to at least cal and make sure the person is okay. He doesn't put any pressure on the person to return, he just checks in to be sure they are doing well. My friend stopped seeing him, and she said his call was really sweet and thoughtful and she didn't feel pressured at all.

We also discussed what he would do if I suddenly announced I was quitting, because I have that impulse sometimes when things get too hard. I told him that I was a bit concerned that as we got closer and deeper into really sensitive areas for me, I would lose my nerve and flee. He told me that, knowing that, he would urge me to stay in therapy and promise to take things slower. He said that obviously he would respect my decision, but that he would try to talk me out of leaving..

CantExplain · Jul 26, 2013, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

My T said his policy is to touch base a few weeks to a few months after a client terminates unexpectedly. He feels it is unethical not to at least cal and make sure the person is okay. He doesn't put any pressure on the person to return, he just checks in to be sure they are doing well. My friend stopped seeing him, and she said his call was really sweet and thoughtful and she didn't feel pressured at all.

We also discussed what he would do if I suddenly announced I was quitting, because I have that impulse sometimes when things get too hard. I told him that I was a bit concerned that as we got closer and deeper into really sensitive areas for me, I would lose my nerve and flee. He told me that, knowing that, he would urge me to stay in therapy and promise to take things slower. He said that obviously he would respect my decision, but that he would try to talk me out of leaving..

I approve of this.

growlycat · Jul 26, 2013, 09:04 PM

All I can say is I am so sorry. You were owed a termination session!!!

slbest · Jul 26, 2013, 09:32 PM

Just to make it clear, I terminated.

feralkittymom · Jul 27, 2013, 08:46 AM

Well, you may believe you terminated, but that wasn't clearly communicated to your T.

Whether you want some sort of official closure is up to you, but I don't think you can fault your T for not contacting you.

stopdog · Jul 27, 2013, 09:11 AM

When I quit or stop making appointments with any particular therapist, I do not want them contacting/hunting me down anytime in the future. I know that some of those people will contact a client and some will not. I don't think it is particularly odd if you called the therapist to make a final appointment.

Perna · Jul 27, 2013, 09:20 AM

I think since you terminated for your reasons and felt the therapist was not giving you what you wanted, that you are not more likely to get what you want from her by seeing her again? I would work on the issue of what you want with your new therapist who you feel is better for you and discuss your difficulties with your previous therapy with her.

slbest · Jul 28, 2013, 11:21 AM

That's true, I just miss her at the same time. I had no closure. Just ended it and it's like she didn't even care.

Perna · Jul 28, 2013, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slbest

I had no closure. Just ended it and it's like she didn't even care.

Some of that could be projection? You can't know what she feels because you did not go back; you ended it like you did not care? She may feel she did not get any closure either. You have to ask for and get what you want, other people cannot know what that is or give it to you.

Sabra · Jul 28, 2013, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slbest

Hi there. So on july 11th I stopped going to see my T. After that session I emailed her and said I wanted to cancel the next session, she emailed back and asked why and then when I said I needed more continuity she said ok and that was it. Its been a little over 2 weeks with no contact and I am still sad. I stopped seeing her because we weren't on the same wave length and she wasn't helping me anymore and I'd been seeing her for 6 years! She also goes on vacation a lot and I couldn't handle not seeing her for 1 to 2 weeks at a time. I just feel like I had no closure and really want some closure, but not sure what I want from that, but I do really miss her, especially after seeing her for 6 years!! Help....any advice would be great!

Good morning,

I saw my first therapist for over a year. When she announced she was taking a sabbatical to go to Tibet for 6 weeks, I was upset. After I left therapy that day, I counted up her time away during the first year, 3 months. I called her and told her I was done and I couldn't start/stop therapy anymore. She wanted to set up 2 sessions to discuss termination. I politely refused bkz I had already closed the door.

I couldn't stay attached to her in order to participate in trauma therapy. Her spiritual growth was important to her. However, it was not conducive to my therapy. It was relatively easy to walk away.

If I had been seeing a therapist for 6 years and impulsively decided to walk, I would feel upset if they just said "okay". After that length of time, there is obviously something else going on. I wouldn't expect a therapist to chase and beg me to come back, but I think a call to talk about the real issue would be in order.

Regards, Sabra

unaluna · Jul 28, 2013, 12:03 PM

We're using the word "termination" as if it doesn't have a special meaning in t, but it does. It doesn't mean the same as just stopping, or even taking x number of sessions to stop. It's a process that takes like a year. Okay, that's just words but I just wanted to mention it.

But closure is another word that's debatable if it means anything. I never understood it, it's a very 1980's kind of term, and finally people are speaking out against it - I dont feel like such an oddball!

I think this post is interesting because it highlights the concept of agency - it's what WE do and feel that is important in t. A t is more like a talking mirror. If THEY take agency, if they initiate action, they usurp OUR agency - and that is being a bad t.

So no, the point is, it's not important how your t feels - or rather, it's MORE important, for once, how YOU feel, and for you to take action based on those feelings.

Syra · Jul 28, 2013, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slbest
I had no closure. Just ended it and it's like she didn't even care.

That sounds very painful. She just let it happen. She didn't do anything but watch. And after being with her for a while, it seems like she didn't even care. Is it like that? Is there more?

I've been there. And it hurts A LOT. To feel like the person you've told so much too doesn't care. I'm so sorry.

Syra · Jul 28, 2013, 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perna

Some of that could be projection? You can't know what she feels because you did not go back; you ended it like you did not care? She may feel she did not get any closure either. You have to ask for and get what you want, other people cannot know what that is or give it to you.

The situation is probably a lot more complicated than has been put on the board. The T may have a lots of feelings. T may have done lots of subtle things that slbest hasn't articulated that go in to her interpretation of T. What I heard is that slbest feels very awful about it, and it FEELS like T doesn't care (although that may not be totally true) and is very hurt, and I'm guessing confused and sad and maybe a lot of other things.

If I were in slbest's situation (and I have been) it's not the easy to know what I want, and then not that easy to ask for it. And that makes the whole thing harder. Maybe slbest is ready for this now.

slbest · Jul 28, 2013, 02:36 PM

My T didn't do anything. She just sat back and let me walk away. I mean I know its up to me to decide what I want but its just really hard to let go. I know she wasnt effective for me anymore but i still really miss being comfortable in her office

slbest · Jul 28, 2013, 02:55 PM

Would it be appropriate for me to email her and tell her what im feeling?

BonnieJean · Jul 28, 2013, 03:28 PM

I think it is a good idea to clarify what you are feeling with her to clear up any possible misunderstandings. A good place to do that would be in person because email easily leads to misunderstandings.

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