Couch 58 A place to sit and......

I have just spent all yesterday and last night at ex's place looking after the girls while he had some stomach bug (personally i blame Lola ) Now I'm feeling a bit poorly.

Still no word on what I need to do for the subjects. I may have to ring. EEK!

Thanks all.. I am glad that there are people out there that understand.

Hmmm I guess so, I'm just scared she'll say 'well nothing works so might as well talk about something until I get rid of you' I know, paranoia speaking but I'm really scared to rock the boat. Also if she says 'well what do *you* want to talk about?' I have no idea :/

Don't know why that put two quotes

Evening couch.

I just spent the last hour trying to remember the password for my journal file. I went through all the combos it could possibly be until it finally worked. It was just so long since the last time I needed to journal (almost 2 months) that it was not in the front of my mind anymore.

What caused me to write in my journal? My freaking mother. She texted last night when I tried calling her that she couldn't talk but could "tomorrow" (meaning today). I call her today, no answer. I leave a message. No return phone call. I call 2 hours later...voicemail again. No return phone call again. I call after another hour, still no answer. Left another message. A few minutes later I get a text that she "forgot" and is "at a conference" and "can't talk". I ask when she will be home. She texts back "Saturday". WTF?!? How could you forget you had a weeklong conference/convention to attend? I asked what it was for...of course it is for her stupid ministry. Here she goes again putting the ministry before her own kids. I wanted somone IRL to talk to about what happened today. But of course she "failed" me once again. I don't know whether to be hurt or angry. I am kind of a mix between the two...if that is possible.

Just email T my frustration over the mother incident and the day's activities. Don't know that I will get a response before I go to work tomorrrow, but hopefully I will have one when I get home tomorrow.

Well...I am off to relax, then go to bed. Have a good night everyone. Sleep well.

Sorry Squirrel that you feel like she blew you off...

I saw this on FB today

My session with xT went well. We talked about me feeling like an empty mirror, a shell of a person and how I don't feel like I can be me around H... and about my desire to get rid of H... I asked if I'm repeating a pattern of pushing everyone away...

xT said he thinks its always best to figure yourself out before making major changes... He asked me what keeps me from being who I want to be... He let me sit in silence for a while figuring it out...I'm afraid. I don't know what I'm truly afraid of other than maybe being a failure...being ridiculed... not sure what it is...

He said he would help me in anyway I want him to when I'm ready but that he really thinks group T would help because I could learn to trust people and be in "relationship"

It doesn't solve my H dilemma...sometimes when I look at H I feel nothing but disgust ... but that doesn't mean I have to throw him out... I didn't talk to T about it but I've decided to be true to my feelings... I'm not just pretending that I have feelings that I don't have anymore.

ETA: Lola how fitting...

It's been a rough day for me. Court and then physical therapy for D, then dinner with MIL and both kids, which was the bright spot for the day. Then, I took D to the new therapist's office. She gave me a bunch of paperwork to fill out while she talked to D. I was immediately pissed off at the paperwork because she REQUIRES her patients to consent to her getting in touch with medical providers or she will refuse to treat the person. Not really relevant for our situation because the doctors have requested that we have the psychologist coordinate with them and get input from them about what they want D to focus on in terms of relaxation techniques, pain coping skills, etc. But if it were a therapist for me, I would have walked out at that point. Later, I was reading about the office policies and she states in those that she reserves the right to refuse to allow you to see your own records. In ALL cases, she will only allow you to see a SUMMARY of the records, and even then ONLY IF she decides that it is in your best interest to do so. If she does not think you should see even a summary of the records, she reserves the right to refuse to let you see the summary and will only release the summary to a qualified mental health professional. By signing the policy statement and continuing treatment, you agree to these conditions and cannot later state that you were unaware, and cannot protest her failure to provide the records. I did mention that if this was treatment for me, there were several things I would refuse to sign. D said she thought they were a good fit and asked me to sign anyway. The therapist was all, oh what would be a problem for you? I started with the medical consent thing, and she says, oh, if I ever needed to do that, I would have you sign an additional release. I started to point out that is NOT what the form says, but D gave me a look, so I just said ummmmm and handed her the documents. D likes her and that's all that counts, I suppose. I met with her briefly and discovered I have not made as much progress in interacting comfortably with other women in emotional matters as I thought - especially in a situation where I have no time to build trust.

MKAC I think the attorney in you kinda T blocked you on this one.

MKAC - the paperwork would have pissed me off too. But for me, I would have been more pissed if the therapist was a man.

Hello...

Three non-gender specific entities walk into a bar. You'd have thought one of them saw it.

Don't worry i won't give up my day job, if I had one.

How was T?

Haven't been yet, another hour. Let you know after that. Hows your day, mast?

I'm betting SD will be repeating that joke to all her friend this weekend! - and it'll be a question on the final!!

superfluous comment

Still in bed - it's just after 8am. I didn't sleep very well. Going home today, and the trains are still not running normally so I will probably have to switch between buses and different trains again. I'll make sure to bring food this time!

Good luck in T!

((( Healed ))) - UGH. What your MIL did was indeed overstepping....I would feel quite violated as well. And the shame of it, ack! I know the feeling. I've never shown anyone my scars, ever.

Wow, MKAC, those requirements sound wayyy out of line to me. Yikes! I hope things work out for your daughter, though.

Sorry, I'm not able to catch up on the rest of the couch posts tonight....just got in at 2:45 AM. Yep, I stayed at my friend's house way longer than I intended to.

She always finds ways to get me to stay longer. I KNOW this about her, yet I fall for it anyway and don't have the guts to be firm in my position. First it's "oh I gotta show you something"....then it's "but I have food cooking - you have to stay to eat some!"....then it's "oh, but I have cake too"....then right when I'm about to walk out the door because it's after midnight, it's "I've been so depressed about this situation and have wanted to talk to you about it all night, here goes"....

...and, of course, there's the "oh there's so much food leftover, you're gonna come over tomorrow to eat with me, right? I can't eat all this myself!"....



*sigh*.....Anyhoo....it was nice to get out, but I'm going to regret it because there is strong possibility that I will get an emergency assignment in the morning. I got an emergency call earlier tonight and they said they would need someone to be there for a psych eval tomorrow but would call the agency in the morning when they knew what time. I knew better than to be out so dang late.

Goodnight, couch peeps!

Almost 4:30 and I have no slept at all.. this is not good!

ok ok ok did you really just uummm and sign . awesome, I know that must have been hard. seriously I know how much you need to stand up and fight for things that you feel are wrong or make no sense. the old bite the tongue hard and carry on. I am glad your daughter likes her . I hope she turns out to be a great additional support for her. sounds like a tough day but you handled it so well (((hugs)))

hey guys cant sleep either.

Morning couch.

I am just popping in before getting ready to head to work. It'll be an interesting day getting to know the teacher I am going to help. I am not the best at being social. I actually don't like to be social. Hopefully I won't come off as cold or weird.

MKAC, wow...that seems like weird things for a T to have in her initial paperwork. I would have had a problem with it too.

Lola, great picture...it is so true, but it's hard to do sometimes.

MUE, I hope you get enough sleep in case you get an emergency assignment call.

Mast, Healed, BPA, SD, Granite, RTS, Hank, and anyone else I forgot...hi.

I'll pop back in later today. I hope everyone has a decent day.

This ^. Perfect. I keep telling you no one thinks you are mean...Granite, I hope you read this and it sunk in!! I also hope your dad gets better quickly.

Hugs to all...sorry I was MIA, I am having a hard time, and I honestly have no words.

I read things...and I know I am going to forget peeps...but here goes:

Lola - so glad the closing is over and you're back at your place. Peace girlfriend. hang in there.
Apt - it's getting closer!
Jersey - sorry about the job, hope an even better opportunity arises. Good to "see" you.
Squirrel - I hope you stay in that school. Sorry you can't rely on your mother.
MKAC - it's so hard to put your daughter's "head" in another woman's hands, especially when you yourself don't trust women. It was awesome that you swallowed your pride and signed the papers.
MUE - hopefully the friend has some good qualities which come thru when you visit her?
Stopdog - Wazzup.
Hankstah - How's it hanging?
Critterlady - thinking of you. I hope you have answers to all the medical stuff soon.
BPA - love the bar joke. Good luck with T.
Ready - I am glad things went well with XT, maybe group is a cost effective alternative for now?
Healed - Did you go to MC?
Ike - thanks for the music. I love it.
Can'tExplain -

Who'd I miss?