[AnnaBegins]

I have a therapy session scheduled today, and, like every time I have a session scheduled, my stomach is in knots and I'm starting to hyperventilate; the closer I get to actually leaving the house, the worse it gets. My anxiety level is sky high and the voice in my head is screaming at me to cancel, to not show up, to stay home wrapped up in blankets where it's safe.

I can't help but think that having this reaction every time I have a session scheduled is a sign that I need to terminate. I've been seeing this therapist since February and I don't think having this extreme a reaction to seeing him is normal after this long. I also don't think we can have productive sessions if I go into them this jacked up - any natural reaction that might come up is going to be amplified 1000x.

Problem is, I spend all week in between sessions thinking that I absolutely need therapy and hold it up in my mind as a safe place when I am feeling unsafe at work or am out with people where it's not OK for me to be not OK. So, is the answer to the problem that I need to terminate with this therapist but not stop therapy altogether or would I have this same reaction no matter which therapist I went to? And how do I force myself to calm down enough to get something out of these sessions?

Stopping my stupid ramblings now...thanks for listening if you read the whole thing...

[ThisWayOut]

Doh! I had something all written out and my phone lost it. I was saying that you could address the fear with your t. He should be open to that even if it leads to finding Another t. I would suggest sticking with therapy in general because you voices feeling like you need it. Sometimes it's just not a good for with that particular therapist. It could also be that you are afraid to address something, and know it may come up in therapy? I get anxious and want to cancel when there's something I am terrified of addressing. Maybe your t could help you figure that out? (Hugs) good luck. (I often a stress toy with me and my ipod when I'm really freaking out about going. This was especially true when I first started seeing my male therapist. I had/have huge trust issues with men in power when I need to be vulnerable...)

[wotchermuggle]

I think you're going through an experience that is completely normal.

During the week, I'm looking forward to my session, I'm organizing things for discussion and what I want to work on. But come the day before and the day of the session, I'm in knots and don't want to go.

My T is very helpful. I think my anxiety just goes on superdrive. This is after several years of therapy! I usually feel a LOT better once we're in the room and seated. It's mostly the build up for me. Of course, some of it does seep into the session but we address it.

[Asiablue]

I'm the same after years of therapy too. I have no advice really other than it's a perfectly common feeling. I suppose maybe the nerves are about being centre of attention for a whole hour, being vulnerable, fear of feeling, fear of being judged, fear of being sad, fear of the unknown... i mean who knows what's going to come up in that hour?

What could minimise the feeling slightly so that you get the most out your sessions is perhaps get there early, give yourself time to settle, listen to classical music or meditative music, control your breathing. Lavender is supposed to be relaxing maybe put some scent into a tissue or something?

[AnnaBegins]

I'm actually here a little bit early and he is late - office is dark and locked up. Anxiety just went into overdrive...can't stop shaking. The voice is yelling that I screwed up, messed up the dates, etc.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

I'm actually here a little bit early and he is late - office is dark and locked up. Anxiety just went into overdrive...can't stop shaking. The voice is yelling that I screwed up, messed up the dates, etc.

Ugh, that feeling is terrible. Is there any way to double check your appointment time? Like did your T write it down for you?

[critterlady]

I often get very anxious before my sessions and I'm coming up on two years. In fact, it got worse just a few months ago. We talked about it and tried to identify the cause. For me, it's related to the subject I think we might be covering.

Things often get more difficult and scarier before they get better. Working through it can be very rewarding.

[stopdog]

I throw up almost every week before the appointment. This has been going on for almost 3 years. I did not find talking to the therapist about it useful. She called it resistance and changed the subject.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I throw up almost every week before the appointment. This has been going on for almost 3 years. I did not find talking to the therapist about it useful. She called it resistance and changed the subject.

Wow...I thought you were so stoic with the process. I would have had no idea.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Ugh, that feeling is terrible. Is there any way to double check your appointment time? Like did your T write it down for you?

I had the date and time right, he was just late. He just got back from vacation and I was his first appointment after his break (lucky him).

We talked about the anxiety at the very end of the session - had to catch him up on things that happened while he was away. He's going to look for a regular appointment time for me that happens right after I get out of work - the thought is that if I already have my game face on for work and I go straight from there to therapy, I won't have time to obsess about the visit and switch into panic mode. I'm willing to give it a try - still don't think the sessions are going to be as useful as I need them to be if I spend more than half of them trying to calm down and/or fighting the urge to cry and flee.

[Lamplighter]

Anna I'm glad he showed up in the end, that sounded pretty anxiety making being there and the place was all dark and locked up, can't have helped your state of mind one little bit.

It's a pity you didn't get the chance to talk in depth about this with him, to me it doesn't sound like he's not helpful, but that you have a lot of things going on that it scares you to think about in therapy itself. Perhaps what you need is to take it easy, not expect miracles from yourself and let yourself feel the anxiety without having to DO anything about it (except maybe bring it into the session where it could be worked on) and without having to beat yourself up for feeling that way or finding a reason (eg T isn't a good fit.)

I'm sorry though you have to go through this every session. I would advise talking to him before you make any decisions though. Your T's suggestion might work, or at least help, see how it goes.

Hugs to you (((((( AnnaBegins )))))))

LL

[Freewilled]

I have the same problem and started therapy in Feb. as well. I told my T about it and a few sessions back, I came right out and said I didn't understand why I still feel anxious and kinda questioned whether T was really helping me. I mean, if I show up early to T, I am a flipping mess!!! I have to be *just* on time or my anxiety goes into hyperdrive. It's bad enough if I'm there in the nick of time...

Anyway, I digress. I don't know what causes such extreme anxiety that doesn't lessen with time. All I can figure is that therapy is hard. Really hard. I have been seeing some positives lately so I'm still holding on. But it's been very painful and just a difficult experience. I would recommend talking about it with your T as it seems to have helped me a little bit.

[tinyrabbit]

I think this is a sign that you do need to be in therapy. My T said things can get pretty uncomfortable so a certain amount of nervousness makes sense. It's scary having to deal with stuff - it would be easier to stay away and not face any of it.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I have the same problem and started therapy in Feb. as well. I told my T about it and a few sessions back, I came right out and said I didn't understand why I still feel anxious and kinda questioned whether T was really helping me. I mean, if I show up early to T, I am a flipping mess!!! I have to be *just* on time or my anxiety goes into hyperdrive. It's bad enough if I'm there in the nick of time...

Anyway, I digress. I don't know what causes such extreme anxiety that doesn't lessen with time. All I can figure is that therapy is hard. Really hard. I have been seeing some positives lately so I'm still holding on. But it's been very painful and just a difficult experience. I would recommend talking about it with your T as it seems to have helped me a little bit.

What did your T have to say on the subject? Did they come up with anything that helped you feel less anxious about coming to sessions?

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I think this is a sign that you do need to be in therapy. My T said things can get pretty uncomfortable so a certain amount of nervousness makes sense. It's scary having to deal with stuff - it would be easier to stay away and not face any of it.

I definitely have a history of not facing any of this stuff. Lately I've been slipping back into the habit of sleeping all the time - when I'm asleep I don't have anxiety, I don't hear the bad voices in my head, and I don't have overwhelming urges to engage in negative behaviors towards myself.

I know dealing with stuff in session is going to be scary and cause anxiety...I guess I just wish I didn't spend half the session already so anxious that we can't get to the really scary stuff because I'm wasting so much time trying to calm down.

[tinyrabbit]

What if you stopped trying to get to the scary stuff and worked on just going to therapy and being there for now?

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

What if you stopped trying to get to the scary stuff and worked on just going to therapy and being there for now?

I never thought of that...it's an interesting (and good) idea...

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

What did your T have to say on the subject? Did they come up with anything that helped you feel less anxious about coming to sessions?

He didn't really come up with anything specific that would help - but I think just talking about it with him is always good. It makes it so I don't feel so alone and if it seems like he truly empathizes with me, that helps a great deal. I told my T I dont think my anxiety is going to *ever* go away. I meant that! But sometimes it is better than other times.... I just need him to feel how serious and desperate I am....Most of the time though it sucks