[purplejell]

I'm going through a really rough patch with my therapist. I haven't been feeling like I had a chance to close down at the end of the session and we've been going overtime. At the time, she said "it happens" when I apologized for being over time, but now she's really making it an issue and I feel like it's inconsistent on her part.
Last week she did the ending really differently and it felt pretty abrupt. This week I just shut down right on the hour and walked out, barely saying good-bye, which kind of sucked for me as well. She's going away in two weeks, which makes all this harder too.
I find it so hard to change things without going to the other extreme. Like now I think I shouldn't need her or leave messages for her. I just try and rip myself away from her. Does anyone have a similar experience when you're dealing with boundary issues?
This whole thing is incredibly painful and I'm doing some self-destructive kind of behavior trying to be independent from her. It feels overwhelming combined with her going away soon. How do you tear yourself away from someone you feel like you need SO much?

[Perna]

Instead of making it about the relationship between you and your T, you might want to think about what you are talking about and try to watch the clock and be aware of the time so you can start arranging your time with T while you are there and not have to be so abrupt. We have to learn that in therapy, how to manage our own head and material.

Feeling like we need T does not mean we have to act on it? We have to learn to feel our feelings and think about them and what they mean, etc. at the same time and then decide how to act, rather than just acting "out" on our feelings. Think about what it is like when you leave messages for T, how you have felt in the past and how T has responded, etc. and then decide if you want to leave a message "this" time.

I found for me, the more individual and "right now" I could get in my thinking, the more comfortable I felt. If doing self-destructive kinds of behavior doesn't help you in the long run, if you then are unhappy with what you do (like drinking and then having to deal with the hangover the next day) then you can decide not to do that this time, can try something different.

[Lamplighter]

Commiserations Purplejell with your T showing inconsistent with session endings. It sounds like she's not very good at keeping time, and it must feel now like she's punishing you for the sessions running over as if it's somehow your fault .

Can I say that it is not, absolutely not, the client's responsibility to time keep! You could if you wanted to, but it's T who determines the length of the sessions and therefore ending the sessions is entirely T's responsibility.

I also get why you're feeling like pulling away - what with the ending session abruptly, and with her going away on vacation soon - perhaps you could bring up how you're feeling next session? Better to discuss it openly with T than flip yourself out feeling like you have no right to contact her or to deserve her time

I would be the same, if T puts some sort of boundary in place (whether in my best interests or not) I immediately resent and shut down and go all withdrawn and want to quit, run away, have nothing more to do with T or therapy. I don't though, I tend to go in and pick a fight about it, which is the best I can manage at the moment in terms of being open and honest about my feelings in therapy . But it does resolve things usually.

I just wonder though, why do you feel the need to be independent? That sounds like a reaction both to having experienced closeness with her, and her leaving soon. Maybe you can let yourself feel a bit dependent, that might help you ease up on your self destructive urges?

[precious things]

The only way to work through this is to tackle it head on; tell your therapist exactly how you feel...if she is a good T she will change her behavior so that you don't have to leave feeling shut- down.

[MoxieDoxie]

I would be the same, if T puts some sort of boundary in place (whether in my best interests or not) I immediately resent and shut down and go all withdrawn and want to quit, run away, have nothing more to do with T or therapy. I don't though, I tend to go in and pick a fight about it, which is the best I can manage at the moment in terms of being open and honest about my feelings in therapy . But it does resolve things usually.

Oh yeah I do that too. If I feel like T is "holding back" or placing boundries I immediately want to punish him by pretending he does not exists, being difficult in session and giving him sharp one word answers, I won't look at him, I have pissy face, I block him. I have this need to win all though I am not in any competition with him. I want to emotionally hurt him. This has not worked and has caused him to pull way back away from me. I think I trigger his parts.

[purplejell]

Thanks everyone. Good to know I'm not alone in my reaction to boundaries being set. I am super-sensitive to thinking I did something wrong or broke the rules. We did talk about it yesterday (the ending part), but clearly we still need to talk about it more and maybe I need to point out that she sent me some mixed messages. It's hard when multiple things trigger you at once (the ending thing, her going away soon, and she just recently told me she's 58 and will retire at some point).

[purplejell]

Can I say that it is not, absolutely not, the client's responsibility to time keep! You could if you wanted to, but it's T who determines the length of the sessions and therefore ending the sessions is entirely T's responsibility.

I think sometimes I like to keep time because it makes me feel rejected when she has to tell me it's time to go. Usually I'm always watching the clock.

I just wonder though, why do you feel the need to be independent? That sounds like a reaction both to having experienced closeness with her, and her leaving soon. Maybe you can let yourself feel a bit dependent, that might help you ease up on your self destructive urges?

I think you are really right Lamplighter. Sometimes trying to make myself pull away too much backfires and intensifies everything.