[boredporcupine]

I saw my T today for the first time in two weeks. During my session I remarked that the longer it's been since I've seen her, the less I feel like being there. I also said I felt like I was stuck on fast forward. I couldn't slow down enough in the session to really consider anything deeply. I was a little all over the place. Not like I was in crisis, just that there were 50 things on my mind. I notice I tend to go into this space when it's been a while since I've seen my T. I'm speeding along in hyperfunctional mode, crossing all kinds of things off my to-do list, and then I hit a speed bump which is my T and suddenly I have to slow down, and I *hate* it, but it's also kind of a relief, because if I'd just kept on speeding I know I would've crashed eventually.

Sometimes I think I don't need my T to help me with anything in particular. I am smart and capable. If I need to learn skills I can look them up and learn them. If I need to figure out what's going on with me, or resolve some internal conflict, I can do it myself just as easily. Sometimes I think I just need her in my life because she's one person who is never impressed with me. I'm not saying she doesn't care about my accomplishments, but she's been totally unaffected in her stance towards me whether I was achieving all kinds of stuff or whether I was telling her I didn't feel like living. For some reason she always manages to knock my off my own pedestal, and it pisses me off, but really I kind of need that.

I have been doing really well lately. It's been months since I've done any of my unhealthy coping things. This is why part of me is like "I should just leave therapy" but that would be taking away the only anchor that keeps me from being swept away by myself. Sometimes I wish T would just tell me to stay. Like, "OK BP, come in every other week, but do come in. Yes I know you're amazing at everything except you are terrible at being realistic about how much help you need to hold yourself steady." That would really, really annoy me if she said it but I still kind of wish she would because it would take off the struggle of trying to keep persuading myself I'm not Wonder Woman.

Did any of that make any sense?

[Wren_]

Did any of that make any sense?

yes it does ... have you told your T what you are really wanting her to say to you?

it's great you are also realising that for you - what you hate about therapy is why you need it

[learning1]

Yes, what you said makes sense. I sometimes wish my t would encourage me to keep coming in too. I'm probably not as self confident as you but I also get stuck believing I shouldn't go to therapy because I'm capable to teach myself skills or figure things out myself, etc. As far as I can tell, my therapists have thought so too.

And then when I'm in the "I don't want to live" phase, I don't think I should go because I don't think there's anything anyone could do to help.

[purplejell]

That makes a lot of sense. I can often function really well in the world, but sometimes therapy is more about the process, the internal, the relationship, and I just want someone to ask me how I'm REALLY doing and make me slow down and check in with myself. So I think that is definitely a valid reason to go to therapy. It's not always just about "putting out the fires" when you're in crisis.