[tinyrabbit]

My T recently gave out his holiday dates for the year and he mentioned that he's also going to be away on six Tuesdays, one every other month, so Tuesday clients will have to rearrange some sessions. I think it's to do with being on some committee. I had no problem with that because he was telling me in advance.

Last week, he reminded me that the first Tuesday to be affected is the 1st of October. I asked when we should book an alternative session and he said the week before, as then he'll know what he has free. Seemed fine at the time, as I'm self-employed and arrange my schedule on the fly.

But it kind of percolated in my head and now it's boiled over and I'm really cross and upset. I'm probably being ridiculous. But we have to book the week before, when he knows what he has free - because that's when he'll know what cancellation slots he has. Well, what if not enough people cancel, or all the slots are at times that aren't convenient? I feel like I have to wait and then just get whatever's left over, and I don't like it. I'm being ridiculous, right?

[Perna]

No way to tell if you are being ridiculous or not unless you discuss with him how you feel about the setup; it may be about knowing cancellation slots and it may just be that the week will be more firm and not moving around as much for him with this new holiday dates info. I just made a table calendar for my school course, when each section starts and when papers are due, etc. and it took me several hours and 2-3 tries to get right.

Do you know how many Tuesday clients he has? Don't let your imagination get in there and picture 8 people when he may only have you and 1 other or something. It might not necessarily be about cancellation, again, he may only have 1 or 2 people on Wednesday so will make more time that day or work an hour later on Thursday or something but he isn't accustomed to doing that? He hasn't quite decided what days and times to add "extra" hours to to make up for this day he won't be there, only looks at what he needs, himself, a week in advance?

[tinyrabbit]

I think he's just waiting so there's a maximum amount of choice. In theory, it seems fine. But there is something really bugging me, some transference thing I haven't quite got to yet.

I don't know how many Tuesday clients he has. It makes perfect sense either way, it's just pulling at something in my stuff and I don't know what.

[Favorite Jeans]

I don't think you're being ridiculous. You're working through some very intense stuff right now so I can see why leaving that appointment up in the air would make you anxious. What if you email him and just say you need something firm to hold onto and you'd feel so much better if he could give you a specific appointment for that week now? (How would you feel if he gave you an appt for that week now and then changed the time the week before? Just as bad or okay because you know now something is already booked?)

Re: the transference aspect, maybe it's hard to trust that he'll continue to be there for you and honour his word. Maybe you don't like the feeling that you have to be fit in somehow, you need to feel like you're a priority?

[Tarra]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

But it kind of percolated in my head and now it's boiled over and I'm really cross and upset. I'm probably being ridiculous. But we have to book the week before, when he knows what he has free - because that's when he'll know what cancellation slots he has. Well, what if not enough people cancel, or all the slots are at times that aren't convenient? I feel like I have to wait and then just get whatever's left over, and I don't like it. I'm being ridiculous, right?

You're not being ridiculous. You may be applying feelings from a totally different situation onto this one, but that's what therapy's all about

Sounds like maybe you feel like you're being left till last, that by not booking you in already he's showing that he doesn't prioritize you, that your session isn't important to him?

I think he's just waiting so there's a maximum amount of choice.

Yeah that could be it. Or he just hasn't got his head round his schedule so far in advance.

Or maybe it's a reliability thing? Do you prefer to think of him as someone who's in control of their life and has everything neatly structured, and him being last minute ruins that image?

[A Red Panda]

I don't think you're being ridiculous.

I need consistency. I need to know what's coming and when, and I need a lot of time to adjust to changes if I'm not wanting them. It probably goes back to the fact that there was TOTAL consistency in my life as a kid - mom was in control completely. And I think now, it upsets me somewhat when I'm not the person in control of my life, because it was a hard-won battle to have ownership and control of myself.

It could also be that maybe you feel like his Mon, Wed-Fri clients matter more to him than Tues clients, since they aren't having their lives messed around and can continue their appointments like normal.. and that you might feel like you've gone to the bottom of the care-pile and feel rejected a bit? You could still feel that way even if you know logically that it's not actually how your T feels.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'd imagine feeling a bit slighted as well, figuring that the clients that are not affected by the schedule change would have "dibs" on their regular day/time. From his perspective, I'd think it was much easier to deal with it this way rather than have a bunch more people affected because their slot was taken by someone else. It seems like a practical approach, but it may also leave the Tuesday clients feeling 'less than'.

What matters here are your feelings - because each client reacts to things differently, and there's a reason for your reaction that could be good material for discovery.

[Aloneandafraid]

I don't think you are being ridiculous at all. I totally understand how you are feeling about this & I think I would feel the same. I have had my last three sessions changed by my T. I didn't ask why she had to cancel them but I feel as if she is changing my appointments because I am the least needy/the easiest to change (even though I work/have children to collect from school and so time is limited as to when I can see her). I think I need to tell her how this has made me feel so thank you for raising this - I thought I was being too sensitive about it but I don't think I am. As "mixedup emotions" said - there's a reason for your reaction that could be good material for discovery.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks everyone. Realistically I think he's just waiting to see how much choice there is. I'm going to talk to him about this tomorrow as I'm seeing him then, so I guess I'll see if he can figure it out and give me something provisional.

He's always been quite careful with me when he's had to rearrange sessions and has told me why, e.g. when he had a funeral to go to, and one time because he had something work-related - he said he didn't want me to think he was seeing another client.

He probably wants me to trust that he'll find me an appointment. I do, I think, but it's still bugging me. Thinking about it, when he had the funeral he managed to reschedule everyone onto the other days and he found me a slot I was happy with, but this is bothering me more.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Maybe you don't like the feeling that you have to be fit in somehow, you need to feel like you're a priority?

Yes, I think this might be part of it. I have a history of having to do this, of never being the one who people fit round, if that doesn't sound too pathetic.

Originally Posted by Tarra

Sounds like maybe you feel like you're being left till last, that by not booking you in already he's showing that he doesn't prioritize you, that your session isn't important to him?

Yeah that could be it. Or he just hasn't got his head round his schedule so far in advance.

This too - which ties into what Favorite Jeans said as well. I know he doesn't have his schedule sorted so far in advance as people cancel appointments so there'll be more choice nearer the time. And I'd like to have more choice, in theory, as I have more chance of getting a slot I'm happy with.

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

It could also be that maybe you feel like his Mon, Wed-Fri clients matter more to him than Tues clients, since they aren't having their lives messed around and can continue their appointments like normal.. and that you might feel like you've gone to the bottom of the care-pile and feel rejected a bit? You could still feel that way even if you know logically that it's not actually how your T feels.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I'd imagine feeling a bit slighted as well, figuring that the clients that are not affected by the schedule change would have "dibs" on their regular day/time.

See, this is why I put it out here - this stuff was just out of my reach and you're all grasping at the things I needed to get hold of. Thank you!

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

I think I need to tell her how this has made me feel so thank you for raising this - I thought I was being too sensitive about it but I don't think I am.

You're not. Messing with a client's timeslot is a big deal - and bam, I've just realised something else. A while ago I said something that made my T think I didn't like my timeslot. He asked if I wanted him to try and change it. I said no, no, absolutely not, I love my timeslot. I panicked for ages and fantasised that I came in to find he'd actually gone and changed it and he said sorry, it was too late now, he couldn't move it back.

I told him that and he asked if I really thought he'd mess with a client's timeslot like that. Now, obviously warning me in advance that six sessions over the year need to move isn't the same as just giving my timeslot away, but it's made me worry he was lying. I think it's not just that, but all the other stuff too. I guess I just feel... unsettled.

Try to remember that this is only 6 slots in an entire year; 46 of your sessions will not be affected.

(This kind of thing is why I rather schedule as fits my schedule which is how my T handles it for his clients. I keep seeing people affected by holidays and meetings, etc. I never worry about that kind of thing. I schedule a few weeks in advance and it always works around both of our schedules, etc.)

[sunrise]

That would be hard for me too because my schedule is super busy and I need to get things booked or advance or they won't happen. I like what 1914Sierra wrote about it only being 6 sessions a year that will be affected. If it were me, I would probably try to think of it as this is the schedule--I will not be having these 6 sessions--,and then it would be a bonus if I were able to reschedule one (or more). Then I would feel good if I did get one rescheduled instead of bad that I was having one less (because that is the plan).

If you don't like the "I have 46 sessions" approach, could you try to change your regular appointment to another day? Could be there might be something similar you'd come up against with another day too, though. Hope you can get it worked out.

[unaluna]

I would see it as, why isn't he scheduling me NOW? Are other clients more important? Just because I set my own schedule but they have to be at work, he's saving prime times for them. I'm last. I totally get the "I'm last" feeling. My mother will cook the birthday person's favorite meal. But my SIL doesn't like m y favorite meal, so my mother tells me she's cooking hers on my birthday and do I still want mine?

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Try to remember that this is only 6 slots in an entire year; 46 of your sessions will not be affected.

(This kind of thing is why I rather schedule as fits my schedule which is how my T handles it for his clients. I keep seeing people affected by holidays and meetings, etc. I never worry about that kind of thing. I schedule a few weeks in advance and it always works around both of our schedules, etc.)

That's a good point thank you although it's less than 46 due to vacations - but I realise the number isn't the point.

I could never ever schedule on an ad hoc basis. No way. I like knowing MY timeslot is MINE and knowing I'm booked in at a time that suits me.

Originally Posted by sunrise

If you don't like the "I have 46 sessions" approach, could you try to change your regular appointment to another day? Could be there might be something similar you'd come up against with another day too, though. Hope you can get it worked out.

To be honest Tuesday works so well for me the rest of the time that I'd be reluctant, and I don't think my T actually has another standing slot on another day free anyway.

Originally Posted by hankster

My mother will cook the birthday person's favorite meal. But my SIL doesn't like m y favorite meal, so my mother tells me she's cooking hers on my birthday and do I still want mine?

on your behalf.

Thanks everyone. I think I'm just feeling a bit displaced, more than anything. Will talk to him tomorrow.

[tinyrabbit]

So my T said this comes down to the fact that I don't expect other people to have much, or any, concern for me. He said that, because I see him at the beginning of the week (I get the impression he doesn't see clients on Mondays) I'll pretty much have first pick of the available slots, and because he's got to take that day out he'll be more flexible and have more available on the other days. Really it seems to come down to me feeling I'm being displaced or disregarded.

[A Red Panda]

I knew he'd reassure you

I have that same belief. Silly us, right? I hope you'll like the new time slots!

[skeksi]

I hate getting cancelled. Usually T doesn't reschedule, which I understand because it's hard to reschedule 7 or 8 people, but it always makes me feel--as you say--disregarded.

I think you can understand that he's made efforts to be flexible in rescheduling, AND still feel hurt. You are allowed to be both.

It hurts when things don't go as we planned--especially when we are not necessarily the first priority to someone who (at least in my case) is one of ours. I know my T values our work together and makes big efforts to be consistent and not cancel. I also go to extraordinary lengths to make sure I don't cancel, either. So when he has to, I feel hurt, like--well, I skip things to come...shouldn't he? Most of me knows that he cares tremendously--but getting canceled sets of the small part of me that fears he doesn't value me as much as I want/need him to.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by skeksi

I hate getting cancelled. Usually T doesn't reschedule, which I understand because it's hard to reschedule 7 or 8 people, but it always makes me feel--as you say--disregarded.

Which is completely understandable. I'm glad my T is able to work longer hours and reschedule.

I suppose all this stuff brings up information that's important to the work.